Provo

I am leaving Provo in two days. About 2 years ago I wrote this post in my head and it was full of snooty comments, untamed excitement, and a lot of exclamation points containing promises of "never to return". But I have found myself overly emotional this past week, quite sad I am leaving, and actually more in denial than I even thought possible.

On Wednesday morning I will wake up with the boys, have a normal morning in my completely functional/NOTHING packed apartment. I will take the diaper bag and the boys and leave my apartment and drive up to my parents house in Salt Lake - just like I have done millions of times. Only this time I will never come back. Jason will come home from work Wednesday night and spend the rest of the weekend packing, moving, and cleaning. (Full disclosure: I actually just teared up thinking about it.) To think that I will close the door on my fully furnished normal apartment is... sad. I do get terribly sentimental about stuff like this. To know that this is the apartment where we brought our first two children home from the hospital to; all of the time spent here learning how to be a mom, and a wife for that matter -and now that part is over. Provo is where we were engaged, our first home, our first... everything - we have been here for 5 years - longer than we thought. But I think that has made it better.

To be honest most of what I am most sentimental about is the last year or so. The first 3 and a half years were expected and welcomed. We had a lot of friends, support, and a plan. We knew we would be here for a while and we made the best of it. If we were to have moved when all of our friends did and when we had expected I don't think it would have been as hard. But the last year and a half has been hard. I have been completely alone with my 2 very young boys. And despite my efforts to complain and be negative - I was forced to make the best of it - for my boys sake. Almost everyday this past summer was spent just the 3 of us wondering around Provo/BYU campus. We played in the parking lot, went to the duckpond, the library, the park, the pool, the temple, Provo Canyon, watched tennis matches, etc. It was just the three of us, and while at the time I was aching for another mom to be with us so I had someone to talk to - looking back I realize that those moments are some of my most precious mothering memories. I think sometimes with all of the distractions of playgroups and other moms (while definitely needed) - the sweet tender moments of your young children gets hurried by.

"They" say these years will pass quickly (being a young mother with young children), and I attest that they do, but I am glad to say that I have soaked up every single moment. This is a new chapter in our life - and although I have been DYING to start it for what seems like forever, now that it is here - a part of me wants to hold onto our simple little apartment and would be quite happy to spend another summer with my 2 favorite people at the duck pond and Exchange Park.

Then I think about that blasted Fourth of July crap and know I would scream if I had to spend one more summer here. Yes I am a little bi-polar right now... and pregnant :)

Traditional Roles

Jason does so much for me and the family. He really helps keep things running around here. I often like to call him my "stage crew" or "the behind the scenes manager". Pretty self explanatory - he just does a lot of the little jobs that help keep the house/family running smooth. ex: Refills (laundry detergent, flour, diapers, wipes, sippy cups, diaper bag, my water bottle - all these things have "bulk" packages and then containers for everyday use), if he notices the laundry needs to be changed or folded he does it without me saying a word, he cleans up dinner every night, whenever we are going somewhere he makes sure everything is packed in the diaper bag and loads everything into the car and when we get home he unpacks everything and puts it away, he makes the bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and cleans up the living room every night after we put the kids down to bed. And now that we are moving he says that he wants me and the boys to go to my parents house for a few days while he packs up the WHOLE apartment and cleans it - I don't have to do anything! However the reason for this post is not to brag about what an awesome husband I have, although I definitely could!! It is to talk about why this extra help makes me very uncomfortable.

I mostly contribute Jason's helpfulness to the example his father gave. Randy (Jason's dad) and Debbie (Jason's mom) do a lot of things out of "team work", I have never really noticed much of "women's work" or "a man's work" around their house or from stories of them growing up. Debbie tells stories of how everytime a baby woke up in the night Randy would get the baby, change the diaper (or pj's and sheets if needed) and then bring the baby to Debbie to feed and then he would put the baby back to bed. Almost all of the dinners they make they both make together and when building a new house or landscaping a yard - Debbie is right along side Randy putting up dry-wall or hauling dirt around the backyard, and on the other side I usually see Randy being the one to vacuum or do the dishes after dinner. Everything is pretty much done together. While my parents are still a "team" things were done very traditionally in my family. My mom did everything around the house: the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, decorating, taking care of the kids. While my dad was in charge of the "man stuff": work (making money), all car repair and needs, yard work, fixing up the house, "honey-do" list, etc. They both played their roles almost flawlessly, in my opinion, and without any conflict, they just seemed to know what was expected of them. Oh, sure -they would ALWAYS help one another if it was asked of them, I have seen my mom mow lawns and my dad can cook us dinner, and often did Sunday morning breakfast - and they were both very involved with our lives - but even that was divided - my dad did all the outdoors stuff with us - coached our sport teams, taught us to ride bikes, took us hiking and camping, and also helped us with our homework and big school projects, while my mom did all the carpooling, fun things with our friends, and was more in charge of our day-to-day upbringing.

So, my point is, after this introspective look into our upbringing I have figured out why, when tonight I was doing a load of laundry and saw that my container had been refilled (after I had been putting it off the last 3 loads), my first reaction was to fill so guilty that he felt like he HAD to do that for me. To be honest, that whole first paragraph of the post, was really hard for me to write and admit that he actually does all that stuff for me- because it makes me feel like I am not an adequate housewife - if my mom didn't need help with all that stuff - neither do I...right?? I recognize how silly that is and how blessed I am that Jason does all that stuff around that house - why would I ever complain??? I know he doesn't do it because HE thinks I am inadequate and that I OBVIOUSLY need the help, he does it because he sees that it needs to be done, and so he does it - it doesn't occur to him, that it is "my job" - and even if it does - he is just doing it to be nice.

Despite all his help, our goal is the same - and we do like to stay within our "traditional" roles - because that is what makes each of us happy and fulfilled. But sometimes when I think I have my whole day together - I have been the "perfect mother" and "perfect wife" and doing all my "duties" flawlessly and then Jason comes home from work and does something really "mean" like change Noah's diaper or or clean out a pan that I had left to soak - I naturally think to myself "did he do that because he thinks that I wasn't going to or that my life is so crazy and unorganized that I really needed the help." I know that is an INSANE way to think and I know that is NOT what he is thinking - but still that is my initial reaction. And the truth is, I do need that help, and even if I don't NEED it, I definitely WANT it. So why the embarrassment? Why the guilt? When I know that he was happy to do it and I am happy to receive it?

Despite knowing this - still I cringe - I cringe every time Jason goes to work with a shirt that is not ironed (FYI: they are wrinkle free shirts - but still...), I cringe when I go into get the laundry and it is already folded and put away, and I cringe every time he is the one who puts my keys on the key ring and my shoes in the shoe basket. But immediately following that cringe - is the overwhelming sense of gratitude - and how happy I am that we have found a balance that works for US - despite our different upbringings.

Funny story: Jason and I started dating when we were 16 - most people thought we were silly for falling in love so young. Anyways... about a year after we were married I was throwing a wedding shower for a friend at my mom's house. Coincidentally, my mom was also throwing a shower for a girl in her ward that same night- but using a friends house. It was about an hour before both of our showers started and we were both running around, a little stressed, trying to get everything done. Jason was doing a bunch of things to help me out - each time he was done with one of his "jobs" - he would come back and say, "what can I do now". At the end of the night I over hear my mom say to my older sister, "We all thought Jamie was crazy for dating Jason so young and no one else, but she did it right, she got him young and trained him to be exactly what she wanted... he was running around helping her while my husband was watching tv." (To be fair, my mom never asked for help) I did feel a sense of pride hearing her say that... but to be honest I think his parents had more to do with it than me... I just keep expecting it and he keeps doing it.

What does this look like to you?

If you answered, "Like a family out celebrating something" - you are absolutely right! (Look...we even got an appetizer - we have NEVER gotten an appetizer).

That is right - Jason got and accepted a job offer in South Jordan. When it came down to it he actually had 2 companies bidding for him. This new development also came with a decision to move to Salt Lake and buy a house - asap! So I have spent the last 2 weeks with a realtor trying to find our 'dream home' - at a good price of coarse. The current plan is to work and be in the house for about 2 years and then Jason will go get his Masters (hopefully out of state). We are thrilled and nervous about all of these recent new decisions. Life seemed a lot easier when we had no decisions - as we fret over all these changes we have to remind ourselves that we prayed for this. I am so proud of Jason - he has worked so hard and we are grateful for this wonderful opportunity we have been given.

RANDOMNESS:
I have some random things I have wanted to blog about for the last few weeks, but never got around to it - so here you go.

• Provo is practically pleasant during the Christmas break.
• Noah talks a bunch - it is funny because you will miss it unless you REALLY take the time to listen to him - it all just sounds like babble. But he is talking in FULL sentences - you just have to stop and listen. (EX: "I want to go to Chuck-E Cheese", "I need more milk." "Time to go outside", and "Put on my shoes") Of coarse each word is really just a vowel sound and a consonant here or there - but if you listen you will hear it.
• From my previous "Mothering Style" post I have done some soul searching and discovered that I have stifled Brock's independence in an effort to keep my day smooth, productive, and organized. I have repented and am trying desperately to calm down a little and be the type of mom I REALLY want to be. My degree is in Early Childhood Education for crying out loud - I know better! I just lost my footing for a while. But with number 3 on the way I am really going to need Brock to put on his own shoes, get in and out of his car seat, and wash his own hands.
• Special K with Red Berries has become a new staple in my day. It has always been one of my favorites - and indulgence only enjoyed at my mom's house because it is so dang expensive. But Macey's had it on sale for $1.50 and I bought 5. I have gone through a box almost every other day. I am on my last box and I am in mourning.
• Ever since Noah stopped taking his morning nap (about a month ago) I have had a lot of trouble getting my mornings together. I was having a hard time just "plowing through", all the getting ready, cleaning, eating, etc with 2 toddlers and no break. By 10:30 I was flustered and frustrated - and so were the boys. But this week I think we have figured it out. I have to shower before Noah wakes up and I have to use their breakfast time more efficiently.
• When your baby goes from two naps a day to one nap a day - it is a sad time. And although it is sad - it has been welcomed around here. It is nice being able to just get up and go and not have to worry about being home until lunch time. Our outings are a lot more fun and productive.
• I realized that I just have 8 more weeks of church until Noah is in nursery. I haven't not had a baby with me in church for 3 years. I got really excited. Then I realized that I would only be alone for about 7 weeks (and one of those is General Conference) before our little girl came. Oh well... there will be a season in my life for perfect church attendance, thoughtfully partaking of the sacrament, and attentively listening and participating in gospel lessons, but this is not it.
• The next season of The Biggest Loser just started and I am having a hard time getting into it - which is making me sad. I really love the show - but for some reason none of the contestants are really standing out to me. It is all kind of just - Blah.
• I am really wondering if anyone is still reading this these are my thoughts and I am pretty bored.
• I am still kind of in shock that we are having a girl - but am getting really excited - I have embraced the idea. But a whole separate post on that is coming.

New Years Day

Since Jason was home from work on New Years day - we decided to take a trip to Chuck-E Cheese. It was a really fun trip, the boys loved having Jason there.

Mothering style

If you care much about my parenting choices go ahead and read - if not skip to the last paragraph for the real purpose of the post.

I have been wanting to do a post for about a year now on my mothering style. I wanted to document how I have chosen to mother and how some of those choices are different than what I thought they would be. Sometimes as moms (parents) we make very purposeful, logical, intentional decisions about how we want to raise our children - and are willing to accept the consequences either way.

One example for me is the way I feed my children. I breast feed exclusively for (about) a year (give or take a week or so). Neither of my children ever had formula. At 6 months I make all my own baby food and don't give my children anything artificial for a long time. I am really crazy when it comes to candy, desserts, and "empty" calories - I feel that if I am feeding it to my child, it should count for something. As they get to be 2 or so I am forced to "let go" - but I cringe on the inside everytime Brock has an ice cream cone or eats some chocolate. To be honest - I am not totally sure why I have chosen this eating habit, it does not depict my eating style AT ALL - I am not health conscious or anything like that, it just seemed natural and logical. I am not sure what this is going to do to my children, so far it has worked wonderfully. Both my boys eat great and LOVE all vegetables and have very "grown-up" palates. They prefer wheat bread over white and while, of coarse, they like candy and treats, they are not overly crazy for it and for the most part can take it or leave it. However, I am totally aware I could get another child where this could TOTALLY backfire and they will be sugar crazy and hate all things healthy. But I am willing to accept that consequence if it turns out that way and will not regret my choices in feeding my children.

Another choice is letting my children act like children and trusting them to make good decisions, even at young ages. When I go to the store I rarely put my boys in a shopping cart. I let them walk with me. I don't mind if they wander a little or run in front of me (granted this is only if the store is not too busy). I don't get embarrassed when Brock runs down the isle and then slides when he gets to the bottom - and I usually let them go to they toy isle and play with the balls for about 10 minutes. I figure that if they have to run errands with me during their "outings" time, they should probably be able to get their energy out. I trust and expect that they will be obedient and make good decisions, and for the most part they do, and if they don't there are clear and immediate consequences, I am not a push over or let me kids do "what ever they want", but as long as they are not
-hurting anyone or
-damaging property
I try to let it go.

But sometimes as moms (parents), we have NO CLUE what we are doing and are just flying by the seat of our pants. One example was potty training. While I was potty training Brock, several people asked, "What is your philosophy?" or "how are you doing it?" My response was always, "I have no idea what I am doing, and there is a good chance I am screwing him up for life." I still feel that way. He is totally potty trained and has been for almost 8 months, but I still have no idea what I am doing.

One example I thought I had under control, and now I am not so sure is discipline. With Brock my philosophy is 100% consistency, NO MATTER WHAT. I believed that if I was always consistent about the rules and the consequences and I as immediate and precise with them, then the good behavior would follow. Almost any parenting technique will tell you the best behaved kids are those who can predict the consequences to their actions, whether good or bad. And it totally worked with Brock - I thought I was the best mom. And Noah... not so much. He appears to really thrive on negative attention. EVERYTHING is a fun game for him. Luckily he is pretty well behaved and not too mischievous, but I will tell you, he could care less about consistency. The best way to get Noah to stop doing something he is not supposed to do (playing with the toilet, turning off the TV, taking ornaments off the Christmas tree) is to ignore him. That is totally opposite from my parenting philosophy and I am struggling with what the right decision is on how to discipline him. I am learning every kid is different and my parent style needs to adjust.

But for the real reason for the post. My friend just did a post on her blog about a parent style test she took. I took it. I am not totally satisfied with the results. Unfortunately I find that I have a hard time being honest when I take quizzes like this, I always give the answer I WANT to be. For example it will say, "I enjoy spending time with my children." Then I respond with true or false. I will of coarse say true, because I want it to be true - I could never put false, even if it was false. (it is not false by the way). So my type of Mothering Style is The "Happy Together" Mother. Boo - doesn't that seem a little to perfect to be true - I mean, come on... who REALLY is that... all of the time? To be honest, reading it, it does sound a lot like the mom I WANT to be, and every day I TRY to be - but I am not comfortable saying that is the mom I am. It was interesting though and if you are better at being a little more honest with your self and knowing the difference between what you ARE and what you WANT TO BE - then you should take it - because I still don't know the difference.