Finding joy in motherhood

I have always found a lot of joy in mothering my two young boys. Even when Noah was a newborn and Brock was just 16 months - I found my "monotonous" days of diapers, naps, feeding and book reading full of fun and fulfillment.

About 2 months ago I lost a lot of that joy I had been feeling. I am sure it was based mostly on circumstances and our situation. We were looking for a house, living with my parents, and doing about a million other things. I was stressed about how I was stressed. I was being impatient with my boys and my level of frustration was only heightened by knowing that soon I would have a third. I KNEW I had to find a way to fix my attitude.


We are in our house now and life has totally slowed down, that has fixed a lot of it. I am finding joy in the little things and have gotten back to my normal routine. But I have found my one and only saving grace: scripture reading. For full disclosure - I have not been great at it since Noah was born. I will go a few weeks on and then a few weeks off - but even during my "on" weeks it was something I forced and didn't really enjoy. I had to remind myself to do it - it was never a habit and never something I "feasted" on, until now.

About 3 weeks ago I realized it was the one thing missing in my life, and the only thing that would bring the spirit into my life, and improve my relationship with my Saviour, and in turn help me feel joy. I was half way through the Book of Mormon at the time but I felt prompted to start another book. I decided on the New Testament, it had been about 2 years since I had read it, and I knew it would be great to just study Jesus' teachings, since I was really trying to invite Him into my daitly life. When I was in Matthew Chapter 3 I had the idea to relate EVERY reading to my life, specifically my life as a mother. I feel as though I have found the key to a locked treasure, my whole life has changed. I yearn for those 5 minutes in the morning when I get to pray and read - I haven't felt that in years, it is so refreshing. Those moments are sacred to me and I am learning so much - and the best part is - my whole day is effected. I can tell a drastic difference when I read. The joy just flows into my heart when I would normally be frustrated or bored. I don't stress about how much I read or for how long, I am not marking or journaling, I wish I were and hope to add that in soon, but I just don't want to make it too overwhelming. I just read what I can read and try to gleen somesort of insight. This has worked well for me.

Another thing that has made a difference is reading with my boys. Every morning during breakfast we read a few versus from the Book of Mormon, I don't try to make it too intense, I just read until they want me to stop. (Tip: I have found that they are more interested if I say "Jesus" for every reference to Him - they recognize His name and get really excited.) When both of these readings take place, our day just seems to go better.

I wish I posted everyday

I write a blog post in my head everyday and plan on writing it once the kids go to bed... but I never do and am always sad that my life is not documented the way I would like. When I do have time to post I am torn between "catching-up" on our outings and "new-happenings" and a journal-type entry.

The main reason I haven't posted lately is because I want to to a GRAND post about our latest news. But have not gotten around to taking a picture. So I am just going to do the post - with out a picture.

We bought and are living in our house!! I had planned on documenting every process, thoughts and emotions that come along with this wonderful event - but as with my previous paragraph - I failed. It turns out when you move you don't have a lot of free time - and you don't have access to the Internet.

We are so excited about the house - it is wonderful - we are so happy. I am a little stressed with my "to-do" list. It also turns out that it is not easy to move, unpack, clean, and get ready for your third child (a girl this time) while being 8 months pregnant. I start each day with a million things I need to do to get things cleaned, unpacked, or organized and find that all my energy goes towards just keeping the house clean and then I am just too tired or too sore to touch the boxes. I told Jason that if I just weren't pregnant for 12 hours I could get my to-do list done, but it is probably going to take me all 6 weeks to get ready for our little girl. I have a ten-step plan. I pray she doesn't come early.

Step one - unpack everything
step two - clean and wash everything
step three - organize everything
step four - unpack, organize and buy clothes for the boys for spring
step five - buy, borrow, and find everything I need for a girl
step six - wash and organize all girl stuff
step seven - have baby
step eight - adjust to new baby and and three childrn
(coincide with step seven and eight Jason will be working on the yard)
step nine - decorate house with the the things I have
step ten - buy new things the house needs
I plan on reaching step ten by the end of the summer.

I promise as soon as I unpack our camera I will take a picture and do a "proper" post about our home.

Coming with an empty cup

I feel like dry desert ground just waiting - crying out - for rain to fall so I can drink up - soak up - every last bit.

I have found myself actually day dreaming about General Conference and counting down the days until it is here. I find myself wondering things like: What will the topics be? What will be the theme of the conference? What will Elder Holland speak about? (He has picked some powerful topics the last 3 or 4 conferences) I have never anticipated conference so much. I am just waiting for the down-pour and hope I am spiritually prepared to receive what I need.

Just a fun photo

Last weekend at my cousin's wedding.

It may be the closest thing to a belly shot your gonna get.

Our first snowman

Yes, I feel incredibly guilty that Brock has been obsessed with Frosty the Snowman for 2 winters now and this was our first snowman, I could give you a list of excuses as to why we haven't made one before, but let's be honest... it was laziness. Brock went and "checked" on his snowman about every 10 minutes for 2 days, then he melted. Brock actually thought it was more cool than sad that he melted.

"My Noah"

I have long referred to Noah as "My Noah". While Brock was my first and I was/am completely in love with him, from the moment he was born he had a special connection with his dad that I could just not compete with. But with Noah, I felt like he was mine. This feeling, however, has not helped me know how to parent him. It has been a struggle.

I don't mean to give Noah a bad rap - he is a good baby - still pretty mild mannered and he could be FAR worse, and it is not fair to him, but compared to Brock... any child would seem more difficult. Despite this little attitude of rebellion in his eye and a tint of craziness in his behavior, it is not the "misbehavior" that exhausts me - I actually find it endearing. I get frustrated because I honestly don't know what this kid wants or needs. I feel like we have been "at odds" since he was about 15 months old. I was constantly just trying to keep him happy, rather than teaching him to be patient, obedient, or calm (which was always my first priority with Brock), and anytime I would stop trying to "pacify" him and try to teach him, it was just more frustrating than rewarding. I felt like a complete failure with him.

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany, I was not allowing Noah to grow up the way he wanted to. I was still treating him like a baby. I believe the more independence you give your child and the more you trust them, the better they will behave. I was not treating Noah like a capable child that was able to obey. The epiphany came when I was thinking about Brock at Noah's age.

When Brock was 14 months old I went on bed rest with Noah's pregnancy, despite a 1 week stay at my mom's house I was alone with him all day. A 14 month old boy, in the middle of summer, in a third story apartment - we still had to get out everyday. He had to be very independent and very obedient. I taught him to walk up and down our 3 story cement steps by himself, climb in and out of his high chair and car seat, and run and get his own balls after he had hit/kicked/thrown them. When he was 16 months Noah was born and he took on a lot more responsibility with his own independence and helping out with Noah. By the time he was 18 months, I could trust him to do most things by himself.

Because Noah did not have a younger sibling, I had not taken the time to give him the independence that he so desperately wanted. I would just pick him up and take him where I wanted him to go, or take something from him I did not want him to have. Speed and cleanliness were more important to me than teaching. I changed my attitude and started to treat him like he was his own man who got to make his own decisions - and what a difference it has made!! Some days I forget, and still treat him like a baby, and we have hard days. But when I remember to stop, and let HIM figure it out and let HIM decide to obey or let HIM learn the consequences, our days our good.

I love Noah so much and he brings so much joy to my life, he makes me work harder as a parent and for that I am grateful. I have always felt like I have had these children to teach ME how to be a parent rather than me teaching THEM. He really is "my Noah".