Growing up

Megan is entering my FAVORITE stage of childhood (so far) - ages 14 - 24 months, they are the best! Their little personality is coming out, they are so silly, and just love you. I always feel like these little toddlers are my best friend at this stage. The sad part is that they are growing up - bitter-sweet, of course. Yesterday I took a look at Megan's hair and thought - "I wonder if it could fit pig tails yet" - surprisingly it did. Not very cutely yet - but they did fit. Later on I put in a pony tail thing on one side, and it looked much better (you will see that in the next post).

She also now knows what the camera is - and is such a ham. When ever it gets out she just sits and smiles at it. I also love this stage because they seem to get smarter and smarter everyday. This girl hair thing is new to me - its kind of stressing me out. Previously I have just put a bow clip in her hair - no struggle, no pain, no tears. But these pig tails and pony tails are hard - and I am not totally sure what I am doing - so we both struggle and fight - she crys and yells - and I feel terrible. I think that is why maybe moms and daughters have a different relationship than moms and sons. We cause our daughters great pain and anguish everyday just so they "look cute". We don't do that to our boys. We just think they are cute after easily running a comb through their hair.

Megan loves to read books. She actually loves it the most by herself. She will read with you for about 5 minutes - then she just wants to read by herself. She turns the pages (which my boys did) but she also "play reads" (which my boys didn't) - it is the cutest thing Jason and I have ever seen. She is starting to talk a lot - no one but her parents would understand her - actually Jason understands her better than me - he is just in tune with the kids at this stage better than I am. She says, water, cracker, dad, Brock. (wa-wa, cra-ka, daddy, Brockie)

And this girl can EAT. I know this stage well - each of my boys went through this stage at this exact age, I am sure it is common across the board. If I let her sit in her high chair all day and just kept giving her food - she would happily eat ALL DAY LONG. She is funny though because she has to have variety. If she ate it for lunch - she will not eat it for dinner or for lunch the next day. If she had animal crackers already that day, and you give them to her again - she will actually throw them back at you. Coming up with meals and snacks have proven to be a challenge, since she is a bottomless pit that wants a ton of variety - not good for a budget. The funniest part is she will not be happy with her meal until she gets something green. She will yell at you until we put peas, green beans, asparagus, or lima beans on her plate - and then she downs them first.

Revelations on Motherhood: part two

My biggest battle in my mothering for the past 2 years (since Noah was born) has been the tv. How much is too much? The funny thing is this isn't a battle between me and my kids - it is a battle within myself.

When I had Noah, Brock was just 15 months old. Noah would not nurse with Brock around (didn't like the noise) - so I always had to nurse in my room with the door shut. I knew Brock would sit and watch Super Why or Elmo's World - and not get into trouble. So I would pop one of those on. I felt guilty everytime. But everyone I talked to would assure me that it was ok and I have to do what I have to do to get through.

Well - same thing when Megan was born. Brock was just 2 and Noah was 18 months. And this time we were in a house and I would be up stairs with Megan - much further away from the boys. They were so young I felt that everytime I was away from them they had to be "distracted" so I knew that they were safe. This was all the foundation to my skewed perspective on my mothering.

Take two: I like to be a really involved mother. I have never been the mom to sit on the park bench and watch my kids play. I run our days like I would a preschool. Art time, singing time, dance time, reading time, etc. Our days are very scheduled and on a pretty strict routine. We go on outings almost daily to parks, the aquarium, discovery gateway, the library, McDonald's (or an equivalent play place), pet stores, jump houses, wheeler farm, the mountains, duck ponds, etc. I love this stage in our family. I really enjoy putting a lot of time and effort into our days - especially preparing for them the night before. I like to have my house "set-up" for them when they wake up in the mornings or from their naps. The train table is set up with the trains on them, every thing is cleaned up and put back away. I like to work in 'units" on things. For example birds. We would read books about birds, watch shows about birds, do coloring about birds, sing songs about birds, go to the Aviary to see a bird show, go bird watching, make a bird feeder, make a birds nest, collect chicken eggs - you get the picture. For those of you wondering... my degree is in early childhood education - so I love it and it all comes naturally. I often have to talk myself out of starting a preschool. One day I am sure that I will - but I have to remind my self that with 4 kids 4 and under I basically have my own preschool. If any of you are thinking this is all wonderful... well wait... this will all work together for my demise.

Because I have these "high standards" for myself about the type of mother I want to be (and when I follow the above routine I find absolute joy in motherhood) - I have a very hard time feeling comfortable with less.

So one day (about 2 months ago) I admitted to my friend while our kids were playing at a bounce house that my kids watch more tv than I wanted - and it was getting out of control. Just admitting this was the first break through - it was my dirty little secret. We talked about how much and what they were watching, and when and why etc. And I had a revelation.

I realized that I felt that unless I could be with my kids 100% and doing a "great fun activity that I had planned and prepared" they had to be distracted or they would get into trouble. I had mixed my two problems. I was still treating Brock like he was 15 months old and not allowing him to grow up. I felt that if I couldn't give my kids me - then they at least deserved the attention of the tv. Weird. I had no idea I was doing this. But I realized that if Brock came to me and said he wanted to do (blank) and I couldn't because I was taking care of Megan, Noah, making dinner, getting ready, or cleaning something, I felt SO GUILTY saying the words "no, just go play". I hated the thought of seeing my kids play by themselves. SO BACKWARDS.

And to even add to it. Because of my education I should KNOW that children learn best through play - and even more than that - they learn best through play that adults are not involved in. So why on earth I could not bring myself to allow my children to play by themselves is beyond me.

Back to the revelation at the bounce house - now that I had realized what I was doing - I had to find a solution. But as my friend and I talked - I realized how deep set my convictions were about the role I wanted to play as their mom. When I tried to defend myself by saying how involved I wanted to be and that I felt my children deserved 100% of me - my friend, Jess, said, "but is that really what they need now? Now that they are getting older? Maybe you need to adjust your parenting style now that you have older kids. Having to distract a 1 and 2 year old when you are not in the room and running around with them at the park is important - in that stage of childhood. But for a 3 and 4 year old (which is what I almost have) you might need to take a step back and let them play by themselves."

Light bulb.

You mean to tell me that while I have been off having babies every year Brock has been growing up? I think that I thought (subconsciously of course) that when I was done having my kids I would be able to THEN go back to my 15 month old little Brock and kick soccer balls with him in the parking lot - because that is all he wanted to do in his whole life - was kick soccer balls with his mom in the parking lot. (umm... I am crying right now - just thought you should all know).

So I wanted to keep him there. So when I had the time and energy I could come right back to him at that stage. (All this goes for Noah as well - just didn't want to write everything twice.) I had to let go.

So I did. And things are W O N D E R F U L. I have seen my children's imagination take off. It is beautiful and so rewarding to watch. They play together so well and love each other and love all their toys. In the past I always put on a movie while I made dinner - but now when they wake up from their naps they play together and with their toys for hours with out a word to me.

Funny though - that even writing that, makes my heart ache. Why don't they want me to play with them? But I have to stay strong and remember that they are growing up. And this really is what is BEST for them - and parenting is about doing what is best for them and not what is best for me. Playing with them all day turned into what was best for me - it became selfish. I am still very involved and do all the things that are in my above paragraph about how I like my days. I just had to find a balance and not use tv as a crutch when I didn't have time to play with my boys. Realizing that they CAN play together or by themselves (heaven forbid).

Anyways, I hope this made some sort of sense. If not - here is the cliff notes: I am basically a crazy controlling mom at heart - who has to force herself to let her children play by themselves. I attribute this craziness to having children so close together (although I am glad I did and wouldn't change it for the world) and my background in early childhood education and deciding early on what kind of mom I wanted to be.

The end.

Another Elder Hanna

My youngest Brother, Daniel, left on his mission a few weeks ago. He will be serving in the Ft. Lauderdale, Florida Spanish Speaking mission. My camera was being way lame - I only had 2 pictures turn out - and they are a little bit blurry and weird.

Daniel is so cute. He really is the "best one" out of all of us. He is so prepared for his mission - I am so proud of him. I know he will do a great job. My kids will miss him. For most of my kids' life Michael (my other brother) was on his mission - so Daniel was the only Hanna Uncle they knew. They lived with him last year and just think he is so cool. We went to eat at my mom's last Sunday and the house was a little empty with out him.

A few fun things about Daniel:

• He is his four older siblings wrapped into one.
• He has the funnies sense of humor. You have to know him to get it. At his farewell he was telling jokes and our family was the only ones laughing because we "got them".
• He is really smart, he knows it - and he wants everyone to know it. When he was in the sixth grade he had to take a math placement test for which math to take for seventh grade. He only missed 7 - he talked about that test for several years.
• For Christmas this year the number one thing he asked for (and got) was Boy Meets World on DVD. It is is favorite show. My mom's DVR is full of Boy Meets World, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Aurthur (know know that cartoon on PBS), Cake Boss, and several other highly inappropriate shows for a 19 year old boy to be watching. I love that he is so innocent.
• He is a hard hard worker. Especially outside. My dad will very much be missing him this summer.

My dad, Daniel, My mom, and my little sister, Ashley.

Jason good husband

Strange as it sounds - that is what I call him.

This post is about my dear dear husband. I warn you this is going to be a horribly mushy post that will make my marriage and husband appear perfect. You know that fake blog seriously, so blessed where she makes fun of people who only post about how wonderful their life is. This post will be one she could make fun of.

As a short disclaimer I will say that one of my side effects of pregnancy is that I think everything Jason does is just wonderful and perfect. I can rarely get mad at him. And I am not exaggerating, when I am pregnant I become this giddy school girl who is blinded to all faults of her boyfriend. So this is the perfect time to write this post.

My husband is wonderful. He seriously is. I knew it when I first fell in love with him when I was 16 - and each day he proves it more and more.

Reason number one (not in order): He is my right hand - sometimes both my hands. He is such a help around the house. That statement almost makes me uncomfortable because it sounds like he "helps" me. When really he is just doing things - does that make sense?? Like when dads say they are "babysitting the kids tonight" - but mom doesn't babysit the kids that is just her job - but with dad it is "babysitting". That is not how Jason is at all. One of the biggest things Jason does is keep the house cleaned up. He just follows after me and that kids cleaning up our messes. He cleans up after every meal. He picks up the whole house when the kids go down for a nap and every night after they go to bed. He cleans up the kitchen after dinner. When we get home from an outing (whether he goes or not) he brings in everything from the car, puts everything away, and repacks the diaper bag for the next time we go out. He is always hanging jackets back on the hook, putting shoes back in the shoe basket, and ALWAYS throwing away the diapers that I just leave laying around the house. If I EVER get frustrated with him about something I just think about the above list and I realize that I could not survive the way that I survive with out him - so I should just let what ever it is I am mad about slide.

Reason two: The kids. He is .... amazing. He is the best dad. He cares so much. He wants a deep meaningful relationship with all of his kids. It always makes him sad when a child prefers me to him because it makes him feel like he is not doing his job. He cares so much - did I say that already? Well he does. I am ALWAYS able to leave kids with him to go do what I need to do and he never (rarely) complains. He is always willing to take a few kids with him when ever he has stuff to do. The hours from when he gets home from work until bedtime are sacred for him... that is HIS time with the kids. And he gets very annoyed when there are too many activities during the week that take that time away from him. From the moment Brock was born he felt a profound responsibility. He was going to take care of these children. Not anyone else. Not family, not a babysitter, not even me, HE was going to be the one to make sure that they got everything they needed. It is amazing to watch your husband become a father... truly amazing.

Reason three: Our communication. We have excellent communication. He is so not the typical man that doesn't want to talk about the relationship or our feelings or our problems or our kids. He is always up for a good conversation. I can come to him and say "we need to talk" and he will drop what he is doing and talk to me. We used to spend hours and hours talking in high school and college - and sometimes not much has changed. We don't only talk about our relationship (phew) we love to talk religion (probably our favorite), politics, current and world events, our children and parenting philosophies, sports (I mostly listen), Stock Market (Still listening), my woes of laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, my calling, etc (he mostly listens). I can't imagine being in a marriage where I had to keep most my thoughts and feelings to myself. I LOVE that he loves to talk. Especially with all the hardship with jobs and money we have gone through in the past year (well really... years) - if we just (especially he) kept all that to ourselves I think we would get further and further away from each other and resent each other for choices made. When in reality with each lay off and financial struggle we have gotten closer and closer and are always on the same page with our future and what needs to happen. It is such a blessing. (Although - Heavenly Father, if you are reading this. We are plenty close - so those hardships and layoffs... we could take a brake. I am sure a trip to Hawaii would bring us just a close!)

Reason four: He would do anything for us/me. He tries so hard. So hard that it breaks my heart. Confession - I used to be really judgemental of other peoples circumstances and marriages - especially when it came to jobs and money. (I am guessing all of our challenges have been to teach me a lesson - shoot!) But now coming from the other side - there is nothing harder than seeing your husband having to go through work struggles. But through all of it I have never ever once been frustrated or disappointed in him (my former self (ages 16-20) would have thought that I would be let down and disappointed) because I have seen how hard he works. I have a memory of him back in the summer of 2007. We had just had Brock and his summer campus job had come to an end (until fall). It had been 2 weeks and he still hadn't found another job. He was calling every job listing he could find, with no luck. I remember sitting in the living room and hearing him make phone calls in our bed room. I remember him calling a man about a framing position (construction) - he had never framed before. And Jason basically convinced the man to give him the job. He said things like, "I am a fast learner, just show me once and I can do it." "I will work when ever you need me too" "I know I can do this job" - I felt so much pride - it actually brought tears to my eyes to hear my husband so desperate for a job and so willing to do anything for us. I have had similar experiences over the last few years. He has never once let me down or made me questions his work ethic or motives. You know those horrific stories about people stranded in the wilderness or in the ocean and they have to survive? I watched one one time about a husband, a wife, and their infant son. The wife said, "I knew my husband would save us or he would die trying". I remember thinking about us in that position, how I would feel, what Jason would do. And I thought, "I knew Jason would save us." There would be no, "or he would die trying" because that would not be an option for him. There is no "or" with him. He would just save us... end of story. I know that is an unrealistic expectation to put on another human being. But that is the level of confidence I have in Jason's ability to take care of our family. He just will... end of story.

Reason five: He thinks I am great. I figure I am performing between 60 and 75% of my optimal capacity (if that makes sense). I don't do all I could do. But I do the best I can in the moment. But if I really gave it my all - I could do about 25 - 30% better (in all areas of my life). But he makes me feel like I perform at 110% everyday. Even when I know that he knows it is not true - he has never ever made me feel that way. He makes me feel like a wonderful mother, and wonderful wife, and wonderful woman. How can you not love somebody like that?

I could go on until about reason number 100 (spirituality, passion, honesty, intelligence etc). But what would I have left to post about on birthdays, anniversaries, and fathers days? These are just the main things I have been thinking about the past month or so as he has been out of work. And I wanted to share them all with you.

So thank you Jason good husband.

It's amazing what two years can do

March 2009

March 2011

Revelations on Motherhood: part one

So I have a million things that I always want to blog about, but never get around to it. So I put pressure on myself by mentioning it in my blog (ex. I will blog about (blank) soon). You may notice that almost 100% of those posts never come to fruition (my hair, revelations on motherhood, 10 things I love about Noah, birthday thanks to Jason etc). These posts are all written in my head - but when it comes to writing them I never do. Mostly for 2 reasons. 1) Most of these posts are deep and require a lot of thought - I don't want to leave anything out, so I have to mull it over for a few days and then organize my thoughts and then think about it some more - I really don't want to leave anything out. This is obviously overwhelming - so it rarely gets done. Reason 2) I want certain pictures to go with the posts. Pictures that don't exist yet. I have to take them. I never remember to do this - until I am blogging - at night - when my kids are in bed. So the pictures never get taken, so I put off the post. Well, no more. I have a goal for this week to catch up on all my "deep, difficult, journal type posts" with or without pictures. I am just going to write. Even though my thoughts are not organized. That is why I put part one at the top. Because if I forget something and remember about it in a few days, you will get a "Revelations on Motherhood: part two". So enjoy.


I totally get that my life is comical. Crazy even. In fact.... I judge myself. I remember sitting in my stake presidents office waiting room down in Provo, about 6 years ago. I was waiting with another woman who was pregnant and due any day. We started talking and I asked if it was her first (almost always is for Provo people), she smiled and said, "no, it is my fifth." (Unheard of in a BYU ward). I asked how old her other ones were, she said, "5, 4, 3, 2, and then the one she was about to have." I have retold this story a million times in mockery towards this woman - how could she do that? Who thinks that is a good idea? Does she not know how to use birth control? Well, I have been sufficiently humbled. I am now that woman. And happy to be her. (Well, I don't have 5)

Today I was at a baby shower with some friends and acquaintances that I haven't seen in several years. We were talking about being pregnant and one girl, I guess I should say woman, I hadn't seen in several years asked me if it was my second (she knew about Brock). I laughed and said, "no this is my fourth". The whole room started laughing. She totally thought I was joking. I had to convince her that I was serious. Hard to do while I am laughing. She asked how old my oldest was, everyone started laughing harder, including me, and I said, "3". She was shocked. She made some comment (I don't remember exactly) that hinted towards, "was this planned?" or "You must have been surprised", or "Do you not know how to use birth control?" and I laughed even harder and said, "no we planned this". We were all laughing pretty hard at this point. It sounds crazy. I hear myself say it and it sounds crazy. I totally get that. But I love it and it does not offend me AT ALL when we all get a little comical relief from my life. Jason and I do every day.

I knew with this pregnancy would come a lot of judgement. But to be honest I haven't felt like I have received much judgement or ridicule (at least to my face...). That has been nice. But I think partly because I don't care - I have been 100% confident in our decision to have another one so quick and I think people feel that - so they leave me alone. The only exception is strangers - I don't feel the need to tell them. Example: I had to take Noah in to get an X-ray on his ankle (couch jumping accident - just twisted), anyways, it was just me and Noah - and I told the X-ray technician that I couldn't go in with him because I was pregnant. She said that I was brave having another one so soon. She thought Noah was my baby! I almost corrected her, but then I thought, "why?" She doesn't need to know that I have a 10 month old at home too, oh, and a 3 year old. I just smiled and said we were ready. That has happened several more times when I just have Noah with me or the boys. The bigger I get, the more obvious it is that I am pregnant the more comments I get from strangers - especially when I have all 3 kids with me. I think when Megan starts to walk it won't look SO crazy. She will look a little older. But it really doesn't bother me at all. I have yet to be offended or have my feelings hurt.

I really love my little family. It is not for everyone. I didn't think it would be for me. (After we had Brock we seriously considered not having any more). But this SO works for us. Jason and I have our roles pretty well defined and our routine down pat. Plus we have good kids. That is our saving grace. We have yet to have a real fussy baby or a crazy busy toddler. Our kids are mild and calm and generally very obedient. That helps, heck, who am I kidding... that is why we are able to do what we are doing. I do have some parenting philosophy's that I have developed, or realized, and it helps me manage that chaos. That is actually what I wanted to blog about, I want to document, for myself, what my philosophy's of motherhood are. I have been thinking about them a lot lately. What kind of mother I am. Why I make some of the choices I make. What is intentional, what is not. Things like that. But this post has gone on long enough. So I guess that will come along in part two. So stay tuned. :)