Swimming with Mads

Over labor day weekend we got Maddie to go swimming with us for one of our outings!  They have been wanting to check out the pool with the "obstacle course" that they see in the blog books.  It was a hit.  They loved it.  

 

"It's me, hi, I am the problem, it's me"

Welp, the posting (mostly) everyday about our daily happenings didn't pan out I may still do that every so often.  When I remember, have time, and have something to say that isn't just complaining.  Because, while I really love my life and don't have much to complain about, when given an opportunity to talk these days... I end up sharing all of my frustrations.  I don't love it about myself because it doesn't represent my true heart.  But it does reflect my needs right now, which is just to be seen, not to complain or have my problems fixed (but by all means.... fix my problems. )

Anyways... here is a post I wrote at midnight one night about 2 weeks ago that I never posted because i used voice to text but never found time to proof read/edit and then I felt like I couldn't blog at all (daily or catch up) until I did that.  So nothing happened.  So here it is, so I can just move on, it is unfinished.  There are notes at the bottom that I wanted to elaborate on.  Maybe I will one day soon.  But for now - you can try and guess what my problems are!  Ha  

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I am equally mortified that I entitled this post by quoting Taylor Swift.  I have actually spent most of my time either not knowing/caring about her or hating her (or at least her songs).  I don't like the message of most of them, as I feel like they play to the baser emotions of most women.  However I took Megan and Madison to the movie (of her concert) over fall break and really enjoyed it.  Like everyone else, I have heard her "Anti-Hero" song a million times but have never liked it or related to it.  Until the movie/concert.  I realized THAT is what I am feeling.  Really for the first time in my life.  I have never struggled with low worth, self esteem, confidence, comparisons, jealousy, being left out or anything like that.  About 18 months ago these feelings started to creep in and, as I sit here now, they are my number 1 emotion most days.  I see the silver lining, that finally experiencing these emotions allows me to relate to the women around me, especially those I serve and my daughters.  I said to Krista once "is this how normal women feel all the time?!"  "Yes" she said.  

I don't understand completely what brought all of this on.  There are a myriad of factors, some based on mortality, some by my own choosing, some by sin, and some as test/trials from God.  I am comfortable with all of those categories.  It may have been a combination of many of those coming at once that proved to be my ultimate downfall, although I disagree with that premise because I have faced worse trial, all at once, and handled them much better than I am right now.  This time lesser trials proved to be too much for my emotional and spiritual resilience.  This post sounds like I am giving up or leaving the church or something - both of which couldn't be further from the truth.  Although for, honestly, the first time in my life I have gone to bed dreading "tomorrow".  So that is new.    

The things I have identified that have brought this sudden sense of awareness.  

• My age (possibly).  While I don't cognitively think of this as a real factor I can not dismiss the cultural stereotypes of women (and men) who approach  their forties.  For sure I am not having a typical "mid life crisis", however I have become increasingly aware of myself and who I am in the world and to the people around me.  I am noticing patterns and behaviors that I have engaged with all my life and noticing they are not serving me well, and when I tried to just "change them" I realized I do not have as much self control as I thought I did.  My struggle to change the things that are no longer serving me has really hurt.  I have been able to easily do this in the past.  Why the lesser capacity?  
• Time management.  I am not sure where this one lands either.  It might be age also.  I have heard from several sources that time ACTUALLY moves faster the older we get.  Or at least the way our brains process time, and you will not be able to accomplish as much in an hour as you used to.  I thought this was just becasue you were old, and moved slower.  But that doesn't seem to be the case.  But something in the way time works has shifted for me.  I thought it was my problem, I wasn't managing my time right, or prioritizing correctly, my schedule needed tweaking, or not having the right balance or efficiency.  But I have checked and ran experiments for all of those factors and the results are the same across the board.  I simply can not do what I used to be able to do, and I can not do all that needs to be done.  This has lead to a feeling of hopelessness as I feel I am "past my prime" and things I have put off for "another season of my life" will, in reality, never come to fruition as I will never be as productive as I was in my 20's and 30's.  This has lead to deep feelings of loss and sadness.
• Teenagers - missed opportunities, not matching vision, they don't like me, hate that I care that they don't like me, unable to actually act the way I want to act with them.  
• toddlers - no friends, no big activities this fall, dopamine hits, babysitter, being their primary care giver
• knee surgery and broken foot - fun activities, dopamine hits, clean and organized house, being able to choose how to spend my time, feelings of failure how I actually spent my time, even when what I did WAS HELPFUL.
• house projects
• Friend group with littles
• Am I really "past my prime"
• Spirituality.  Hearer not a doer.  Being more harmful than helpful.  Zealous. 
• Balancing being a wife with being a mom. 
• my capacity has not been enlarged and I don't see it happening in the future.  What will I do if my capacity keep diminishing?  
• Guilt because my life is not that hard.