Thoughts and Inspirations

May 5, 2020

I desperately want to record some of my feelings about this whole Covid-19 stuff.  I even really want to do it in a "public" way - but I know that I would regret it if I put it on Facebook.  I even didn't want it on my "blog" but I doubt anyone reads these tabs (maybe Jill... hi!).  But this seemed the most appropriate place rather than just my journal.

My thoughts are more of a rebuttal against some of the posts I have been seeing on Facebook from members of the church.  First off I want to say, in my heart of hearts I think most of this is silly and would not have voted to go down this road in the beginning.  It does feel like most of the recommendations are not based on science and they aren't really putting out the science about how and when people get infected.  I give them grace because it is new and maybe they just don't know yet.  But still.  I would have gone for herd immunity.  There was obviously no long term planning or an exit strategy when this happened.  But I am not a scientist or a doctor or a politician.  But most of the time I see that the logic just doesn't add up.

With that being said, I can easily put that behind me because I recognize that our prophet has been in front of all of this and has put in tighter and broader restrictions before the government ever has.  He hasn't waiting, he has acted - clearly and decisively.  Now we CAN debate about he being a doctor, or not wanting liability, and while both of those things are true - it doesn't matter, because he is God's prophet.  When I see the posts on social media from members of the church I DESPERATELY want to comment something snarky like, "maybe you should call the prophet and tell him that" or "so President Nelson is a mindless sheep" or "so... he is living in fear and telling us to as well?"  But I would never!  That wouldn't help anything.  But in the end - that is ultimately what they are saying... right?  I would actually LOVE to have a friendly conversation/debate with someone who feels passionately that this is a conspiracy and is fighting against it and who also is a strong member of the church.  I don't understand how you can do both.

A few things in my argument of "logically this doesn't make sense but the prophet told us something else".

First off not living in Utah but talking to members of the church and seeing FB posts I recognize that for the most part Mormon's aren't really following the government guidelines.  They pretend to - but in the end, they still visit grandparents, go to unnecessary stores, and are don't follow the 6 feet rule when it is someone they know.  We just don't follow rules that we don't think we should follow - it is hard for us to.  There are many reasons, but it seems to just not be in our nature.  Despite what the world says about us we are not blind, mindless followers that do what our leaders say.  We have been told since we sere little that we need to have a "testimony" of the rules.  Pray about it - find out for yourself.  If you don't believe the government is making the right decisions - it is hard to follow. I also think the root of this is actually our ability to receive revelation and the gift of the Holy Ghost.  At the core we subconsciously think that we can be above the guidelines because the spirit would warn us if we were about to do something wrong.  "I felt prompted to take my kids to see their grandparents".  That trumps everything... right?   And while this is true was MUST remember that this isn't true when it comes to going against church authority.  Could you feel prompted to still hold girls camp?  Or have your neighbors over for sacrament meeting?  Can you be prompted to NOT do what the church is telling you to do?  (or visa versa)  These are hard questions.  But when it comes to crisis times I quote Jeffery R Holland.  In such basic matters of faith, prophets do not apologize for requesting unity, indeed conformity, in the eloquent sense that the Prophet Joseph Smith used that latter word.⁵ In any case, as Elder Neal Maxwell once said to me in a hallway conversation, “There didn’t seem to be any problem with conformity the day the Red Sea opened.”(A prayer for the children , April 2003).  There have been times in church history when conformity has been required.  Is this one of those times?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Sometimes we don't know until afterwards.  In the moment it looks gray.  I do know that it seems that the majority of the church is on one end of this (rolling their eyes about the whole thing) and the Prophet is at the other end of the spectrum - putting in broader, wider, stricter, and longer restrictions.  And I just don't think that can be a good thing for us.

A few examples I have thought of about times when conformity was required:

In 3rd Nephi Chapter 3 the Nephites gathered to the center of their lands with all of their provisions to stand together against the gadianton robbers.  It was EXTREME.  I would recommend reading those chapters with an eye for today.  A LOT of similarities. Now we have no record of the political climate and if everyone went or what the general membership thought.  From the record it seemed like total conformity.  Hopefully that was true. I would bet that there were some who didn't go - for lots of reasons.  It was illogical, to was too hard, unnecessary, the threat wasn't that bad, too expensive, etc.  If you just put peoples personalities today in that environment you can just imagine the murmuring and complaining. (becasue instead of saying "lets go to Missouri", which I think most of us would willingly and excitingly go regardless of loss of income or "normal" life - he asked us to gather in our families and just stay inside).

Also I thought about the gatherings during the restoration.  As you read Saints you see people either not following the admonition to gather in Kirkland, Independence, and Nauvoo or overstepping and gathering too soon.  And then finally the gathering to Salt Lake City.  Many Saints didn't gather becasue"why?".  "I can be a good member of the church here"  "I can be a good example here"  "persecution will just follow us there" "I am too sick/old/poor to go" etc.  Yet, almost every single person who stayed and didn't gather eventually left the church - if not them then their posterity.  There is protection in just doing it - for generations.

There will ALWAYS be logic to not follow the prophet.  Like: it isn't even raining - why are we building an ark?  Why are we canceling camps in August when we don't have all the info yet?  Sound familiar?

Brigham asked the Mormon battalion to fight for a country who kicked us out.  So how is that for political partisanship?  People seem to think that because we disagree with the government we shouldn't support it.  But I think the Mormon battalion is a perfect example of... "if our prophet tells us to support it we support it" (Saints living in dictatorships or communist countries are another example - you got excommunicated for fighting against the government).

Our prophet is begin STRICTER than the government and he has asked us to follow government guidelines.  So what exactly are we debating?

(just for the record - I am not perfect at this - there is a lot I, personally am not following - mostly the facemask rule.  I wear them in stores and stuff - but not when I am just outside - but I don't think we have actually been told to do that.  But I might be wrong.)

Thanks for listening!


2018 (wow it has been a long time)

I have heard several times that Helaman and Third Nephi is like a mirror to the last days.  I believe this.  Especially third Nephi for this particular time.  For my scripture study right now I am outlining everything that happens right before Christ comes to the Nephites (so there fore everything that will happen to us before Christ comes a second time).  I found Third Nephi ch 3 very inspiring today.  It is when Lachoneus receives an epistle from Giddianhi to surrender.  It starts out:

vs. 2-5: VERY political and subtle.  Exactly how the media and politicians work today.  I would define this a political correctness for sure.  Very nice, very manipulative.

vs. 6-10: It looks pretty hopeless for the righteous and faithful.  Giddianhi makes some good points and it really does look like we are fighting a loosing battle and we should just give in.

vs. 13: Lachoneus (who is also a prophet according to vs 16) sends a proclamation to the people that they need to get their families together and strengthen and focus.  hmm....

vs. 14 - 26: They gather, strengthen, prepare and fortify.

vs. 21: The Lord tells them not to go fight the wicked.  Just to gather, be strong, and wait.

It ends with more gathering and strengthening.

If this is our day - the last 2 decades - I don't know what is!!!

*****
I have such  strong testimony of Family History Work - and I haven't even had an amazing experience yet.  My testimony is this: when I work on family history daily - their is a difference in my life and in my home.  I believe that when I am opening family search everyday angels come into my home.  They know they are welcome here, they know that they might be found, they know I need them (my PB blessing says I will have angels with me as I do FH work).  How can my children and husband not be effected when their are angels in our home?  I believe we are strengthened, protected and fortified.  I fiercely believe in the promises give by Elder Renlund, President Eyring, Elder Cook, and President Nelson about the protection, strength, forgiveness, and blessings that will be given to me and my children if I do family history work.  I feel it every time I am on.

On Sunday someone said in their testimony that we needed to know what our FH questions were - what we were working on.  I haven't had a question or a direction in a while.  I have been working on a certain line for about 2 years - and I have just finished.  I needed a new line for the last few months.  But have yet to find one.   So on Monday I sat at my computer and prayed.  I asked Heavenly Father to help me find a question.  I opened up family search.  With in 5 to 10 minutes I found my question.  Kizzie Lowry and Newt Boles.  They are elusive.  They are Jason's 4th great grandparents and I have nothing on them except their names.  I needed to find them.  I got a few ideas and paths were opened up to me.  I still don't have what I need.  But I have a lot of leads.  I have been working on them all week and in the process I have found over a dozen other names that are Kizzie and Newts nieces and nephews.  Ask and it shall be given...



2015
For some strange reason I feel a desire to state my opinions on the whole gay marriage thing on a very public forum.  I don't know why - especially because I am positive my opinions and reasoning will probably change - seeing as they have evolved in the last five years - and even in the last 5 months.  But this urge to share has been eating at me - and so I will.

Mainly I know I do not have the answers.  Nor do I pretend too.  But today I felt like I saw things a little more clearly.  I felt like I saw things through... perhaps... Christ's eyes.  Stay with me here.

I believe things can exist on 2 levels.  The broader level and the personal level.  I don't believe that these things always have to align or agree with each other.  Some people think that is being hypocritical or irrational.  But I don't think so.  I think Christ does it all the time.

Take for example the story of the woman taken in adultery.  The Pharisees brought a woman to Christ who had been caught in the act of adultery.  No one could deny her sin.  They of course point out the Law of Moses - she should be stoned.  Of course.  And of course - Jesus doesn't do it.  Knowing what we know about Jesus, that would seem almost against his nature.  Right?  Can you imagine a New Testament where Jesus would have said, "your right, lets stone her" and watched as they did it - or even did it himself?  It seems almost blasphemous to really think about or picture.  But when we say, "the Law of Moses" it is really a miss quote.  This was not Moses' Law.   This was Christ's Law.  He gave it.  He is Jehovah, the Great I Am.  The woman brought to Him was sitting before the same God whose law it was.  HE GAVE IT - He wrote it.  He had seen many other women "rightly" stoned for committing adultery becasue of the law HE gave.  Think about that for a minute.  And if you believe he is really all powerful and all knowing, which He IS - than when he gave that law to Moses, he knew, one day, he would be sitting before this very woman - excusing her from the law.

Now I know that he didn't forgive her right then and there AND he didn't excuse her sin.  I KNOW all that.  But he did not stone her - as HE told us too.  Those Pharisees were not wrong in that way.  They were wrong because of their intent.  What was HER intent?  Why was she committing adultery?  We don't know - but Christ did.  That is the point - we don't know.  We don't ever know.  But Christ always does.  In the end it was the Pharisees who come off bad in the story the ones who "only wanted to uphold the law" (or so it seemed).

I have a cousin who is a lesbian.  That is about as close as I get to the issue - a cousin - a second cousin actually, so I do not have a LOT vested in the issue.  But she means a lot to me.  On Facebook another one of ours cousins posted a statement supporting her and her wife for trying to legally adopt their son.  My cousin posted a comment expressing gratitude for the post.  I felt faced with a choice on what to do ("like" it, comment in support, comment against, ignore it, etc).  It may sound cliché - but I thought, "what would Jesus do."

Now I am not pretending to know what exactly Jesus would do (step one: not be on Facebook?)  And someone else could probably prove to me that Jesus would have left some scripture telling them how wrong they were.  But I don't think so.  I felt like I was there.  In the city, in the circle, watching, as this woman was brought before him.  With HIS own law.  What did he do then?

"But what about the law?  The commandments?  Yes, what about them?  I believe them, I believe them with my whole heart.  I believe in and will follow the prophet to the end of my days.  And I would never and will never speak anything against it.  When speaking on the grander topics of right vs wrong, public policy, my vote, the law, etc - My feelings will always boil down to the principles that I know to be true.  But individually... in a one by one basis - I know other principles to be true as well.  Compassion, Love, forgiveness, understanding,  and aren't we ALL glad that Christ does it all on a one by one basis - I know I am.

In fact it seems that Christ is often more loving and compassionate with the people who have "big sins" - adultery, addictions, fornication, etc.  But those "little sins" hypocrisy, guile, gossip, etc - He seems to have no tolerance for them.  Why?  I thought about that all day.  I think, maybe, because he looks on the heart.  Why do most people commit the "big sins" - often times it has more to do with feelings of inadequacy, longing to be loved or needed, feeling a void - Christ sees that and treats the real problem not the symptom.  But those of us with the little sins?  The pride, the judging, the backbiting, the guile, the hypocrisy, - why do we do those things?  Often out of true mean spiritedness.  We want to be better than someone - we don't want someone to get the same reward as us - we want the "rules to be followed", we want to be right.

So what would Jesus do if He were down here, on earth, right now.  I am not sure.  But I think he would stand by His word and try to do everything he could to get public policy to follow His commandments - but when he encounters each person - he would deal with each of them according to their hearts.


July 26, 2015
D and C 887 - civil war.  This is a good reminder to stand behind your revelations/inspirations even when they appear to be wrong.  Before this revelation South Carolina had refused to pay taxes and were in revolt.  The federal Arm was sent there.  War seemed probable.  Joseph Smith then received this revelation.  After the revelation was received and known South Carolina backed down and war was averted.  Many people felt like the revelation was wrong or at least circumstances had changed it.  Joseph Smith stood by it.  He said it would still happen.  And he was right.  Even though it took over 30 years and Joseph never lived to see it fulfilled.  I often get an impression to do something.  Then something happens that makes me question that inspiration. Joseph gives me courage to stand by my inspirations even when they seem unlikely or untimely.

February 21, 2012
I have just decided the book of Omni is one of the saddest and most telling books.  It is surprising since it is a very short obscure book and doesn't appear to be saying much - until the end that is.  That is the problem.  To me it tells a very sad story of lost opportunity and short sidednest.  This book has 5 different authors.  The plates are basically handed down through generation to generation each author saying that there is "not much to write" and then simply handing it off to the next generation.  Then at the end we find out through Amaleki that some amazing events took place BEFORE he was born.  An exodus, a destruction, revelations, and so on.  We don't know exactly who "dropped the ball" and didn't think it was important enough to write about (his father, his grandfather, etc) but one of them did go out of the land of Nephi with King Mosiah (the first) - but never record it.  We had to get the story form Amaleki backtracking on what his predecessors missed.  Do I miss out on things that I don't think are note worthy?  These men that just jotted down a line or two - they could have been one of the great authors of the Book of Mormon - but for what ever reason they chose to not.  Very sad.

February 10, 2012
Laman and Lemuel

I think sometimes we dismiss Laman and Lemuel too quickly and miss comparing ourselves to them because we have labeled them as extremely wicked people - and the people the Lamanites turned into at their most wicked times. But as I have been starting the BoM over right now and am in the midst of 1 Nephi - I have been seeing Laman and Lemuel in a new light - a light that I can see myself in sometimes.  Strange?  Hear me out.  Here is just one example. 

We mostly like to bash Laman and Lemuel for murmuring RIGHT AFTER the angel appeared to them and told them the Lord would deliver Laban into their hands (1 Nephi 3:29-31).  Listen to what the record says:

"And after the angel had departed, Laman and Lemuel again began to murmur, saying: How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands? Behold, he is a mighty man, and he can command fifty, yea, even he can slay fifty; then why not us?"

Listen to what L&L said: "that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands?"  Focus on the words will and our.  And let me take you back to last summer.

I was over at my friends house in the ward - she teaches seminary.  She had a quote on her wall that said, "Faith is not believing that the Lord CAN, but that he WILL".  I was bothered by the quote.  I would eye it every time I went over to her house and send it evil messages.  I didn't believe it.  Not in a negative way - for me the last few years (with all of Jason's lay-off's and job troubles) for me faith had become knowing that the Lord can but may or may not help, but either way he loves you and it will be ok.  That quote made me wonder if we were not seeing the miracles because we did not have sufficient faith to know that the Lord WILL help us. 

My knowledge of faith has grown and changed over the last few years.  People always said to me "it will all work out".  What did that mean?  Most people meant it as, "Jason will find a job, you will be financially ok eventually" - but I felt like I came to understand that "it will all be ok" meant that one day we will go to heaven - and THERE it will all be ok.  But for now things might... suck.  And in the midst of all the job and financial struggles - what do you do when you get a prompting to have another baby?  What do you do when you follow that prompting and things get worse?  And people keep talking about obedience being tied to blessings?  I had to form a new idea about faith.  Maybe He wants us to struggle, maybe we will always struggle, maybe we are not as obedient as we think, maybe it is just on a different timeline, maybe we are being tested, maybe we are being punished, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, maybe we are just being taken down a different path, maybe, maybe, maybe. 

I understand Laman and Lemuel when they said, "How is it possible that the Lord will deliver Laban into our hands?  Sometimes it feels like He is just in charge and our strengths, abilities, desires, etc don't really matter.  I always know He can, but I don't always know He will.  And I know God is good on His promises to other people, but I don't always know if He will for me.

This question Laman and Lemuel pose - I have said in silent prayers and to a select few in the last two years.  Will the Lord deliver to me?  Is it so wrong to ask that?  Even though an angel had told them - still... into my hands?? 

The last few months has sent me on another journey through faith.  I think my pendulum swung too far to the other side.  There must be a middle ground.  I don't know where it is yet.  I am not totally defending Laman and Lemuel, I know that they were just beating Nephi with a rod after all, and they were "very wicked".  But don't dismiss them.  I have learned a lot from them the last few days as I have tried to see myself in them.  Secularism, criticism, complaining, faithlessness, we all have these things sometimes.  Or is that just me, Laman, and Lemuel?  :)
January 29, 2012
Last Sunday I was driving to my mom's house for dinner with my kids (Jason was working).  I had a lot on my mind.  Thoughts mostly negative, mostly about my failures.  I felt lost.  I have been feeling lost.  I am not sure who I am anymore.  As I was driving I was very much having a conversation with my Heavenly Father, asking Him what I should be doing, or could be doing.  Wondering if I was failing Him, my children, myself, or if these feelings of self doubt were even legitimate or if  they were feelings put there by the adversary.... I really didn't know.  A song was playing in the background, Beautiful Heartbreak by Hillary Weaks

April 4, 2011
In Nephi 8 we read about Lehi's dream about the tree of life.  In Nephi 11, Nephi prays and asks the Lord to help him understand the dream.  Nephi himself has a glorious vision in which an angel comes to him and shows him many great and marvelous things.  He learns the meaning of Lehi's dream in great detail, and is also shown many great things - specifically regarding the Saviors mortal life, America being discovered, and the restoration of the gospel.  In Nephi 15, Laman and Lemual also desire to learn about Lehi's dream.  They decide to ask Nephi to help them understand it.  Nephi interprets the dream for them - but in very simple, straight foreword answers.

Look at the differences between the two:
Nephi 11:21-24
The interpretation of the tree of life.  Nephi learns that it is "The love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is most desirable above all things...And the most joyus to the soul...I beheld the Son of God going forth among the children of men and I saw many fall down at his feet and worship him.
Nephi 15:21-22
Laman and Lemual ask Nephi "what meaneth the tree which he (Lehi) saw?" and Nephi simply says, "it was the representation of the tree of life."

Look at what Laman and Lemual missed out on because they asked Nephi to answer their gospel questions instead of asking the Lord.  How often do I ask Jason for an answer to a question, or a gospel doctrine teacher, or maybe even look to the Bishop?  Think of how more personal, wonderful, and even revelatory my answers might be if I asked the Lord.  I am sure Lehi received an interpretation to his dream - and Nephi could have simply asked him (who is also his Dad and the Prophet - a totally acceptable and reliable source to ask gospel questions too) - and would have gotten an answer to his questions.  But he would have missed out on SO much - his vision from asking the Lord to tell him about the dream comprises of chapters 11, 12, 13, and 14.

***
So I am going to do it. I have been wanting to for a while. Start a "page" on my blog where I can share some of my insight that I get in my scripture study. I may give some thoughts about a quote, a church lesson, or a conference talk. But mostly scripture study. I am not sure how this page

March 30, 2011
In our young women's we were challenged to read the whole Book of Mormon in the month of March ("March Madness").  It has been wonderful (probably more on the whole experience later).  Today I was reading in the actual book of Mormon (you know, after 4th Nephi).  Since I have to read so much everyday I often read a whole "book" at a time - so the stories and the prophets have really becoming alive to me.  I fell in love with Mormon and his plight.  Then I got to Mormon 8.  At the beginning of the chapter we find out that Mormon has been killed in battle and now Moroni (his son) is continuing the record.  He spends most of the chapter talking about the importance of the record and how he is going to bury it and that it will come forth one day.  In my minds eye I fast forwarded 1400 years to that very same Moroni appearing to Joseph Smith on the Hill Cumorah.  I thought about Moroni and what a special moment that must have been for HIM - and I started to cry.  To think about all he had seen in his day - the wickedness and destruction of his whole people.  The loneliness he has felt - the sacrifice for this record that he was to ultimately bury - not ever really knowing if it was ever going to make a difference - other than the faith that one day it would come forth.  Then to get to stand before Joseph and deliver up these plates - to go forth (wow - I have used that word a lot) not only to the gentiles, but to the Lamanites.  What a great moment for him.