I have somethings I want to journal. First off I have some frustrations with my blog that I don't know how to fix. I just finished up my blog books from 2011 and got them in the mail. As I go through them I love reading my posts. I love remembering the little details, emotions, and facts of my "old life". I worry that in 5 (or 10) years when I do the blog books for these years it won't have those things. I worry I give more of a factual travel log than real heart felt emotion. One reason for this is that my kids are older now and I feel that I should respect their privacy and how I feel about them. It seemed natural and ok to say my babies or toddlers are driving me crazy - but I don't feel I should say that about my tween/teens. Also I don't want to talk to much about their personal struggles in life - and if I only talk about their triumphs then that doesn't seem real or authentic, so I just leave all that stuff out and give factual information or just talk about myself and what I am doing. I hope to find a middle ground and that one day I will read about these years and smile because I accurately captured the emotions. But I am not sure.
The truth is I am not loving these tween/ years. I feel like I loved when they were all from 5- 11. Then once they were 8 - 13 (the last year or two to now) it has been harder. I see a light though becasue I am really starting to enjoy Brock and Noah again. I think I will like the teenage years. I am trying to take a breath and realize the reasons these years are hard are normal, natural, and developmentally appropriate. They fight all. the. time. I used to be so proud of my family because they didn't fight. They didn't fight when they were toddlers or kids, but now as tweens they bicker and argue and fight. They think whoever is the loudest or the one that doesn't back down wins. I don't really know how to handle it. Do I just let them do it and allow them to figure it out, do I punish, do I get involved? I don't know. I often do something different each time. I try to related it in my head to when they were all babies/toddlers and they were all crying at the same time. It wasn't their fault there was 4 of them. They were doing what developmentally they do and it was "my fault" there was 4 of them in that stage at the same time. So when they are all arguing I try to do the same thing. They are all just learning they have value, an opinion, finding their sense of humor, finding who they want to be, that they have rights, their own stuff, they can can assert their rights and opinions, and they are all doing that at the same time. In my head I know that yelling, lecturing, guilting, and always pointing out things they do wrong is NOT going to make it better and will only drive a wedge between us farther - plus the Spirit is ALWAYS telling me to stop it. But I find that is what Jason and I turn to more and more often. But IN THE MOMENT WHAT DO YOU DO?? Ignore? Sometimes I can see HOW I can help them solve the problem, but more often then not there isn't a real problem to be solved - they are both just annoying each other or fighting over stupid things. Or worse, it requires me to pick a side to solve the problem. Like who called shot gun? Or who had the book first? I don't know, I don't care - but if I get involved a call is going to have to be made and I don't want to choose sides. So we come up with systems to avoid the fighting. We have THOUSANDS of systems and programs and rules and processes and charts in our house. It is ridiculous. I don't feel like another technique is the answer. I just feel like we have to wait it out with out making it worse. Brock is just starting to come out of it and doesn't engage as much anymore. So I am hopeful that things will calm down again in the next 2 or 3 years. But I don't want to "ruin" it in-between that time. I don't want to yell or punish too much. But I also don't want to create bad habits. AHHH!
That isn't even the reason I sat down to write this post. It was to talk about an inspiration about my mothering I received a few months ago but have not had the capacity to change. I don't think my children really like me. I mean I know they like me, and I even think they appreciate me. But I don't think they see me as very fun or loving. Before I had children I heard somewhere (I can't even remember where) but that it is important for a mom to make sure their children love their dad. The dad isn't home much and is usually more strict and so the mother should always draw the children's hearts towards their dad - even when he isn't home. This resonated with me and I wanted to do that as well. I have been VERY intentional to do that since day one. and I believe I have been 100% successful at it. My children LOVE their father. Now, of course, I can't take all the credit. He is a wonderful dad and they would love him with out my help. But there are things I did on day one and I still continue to do today that draw their hearts towards him and I think inadvertently I have drawn it away from me. I honestly believe that if we were to get divorced the kids would all chose to live with him - becasue I give him the credit for everything good in their lives. Now, I don't really care about this. I don't need the credit. But I do care that I haven't done enough to draw their hearts to me. This is for 2 reasons. 1 - I am just not that much fun with older kids and 2 - I am too intentional, I have turned it into a vice.
1 - I was pretty fun with the younger kids. It is easy to be silly and crazy with them. It is easy to get engrossed in their play. I didn't always enjoy it - but I was always able to do it, and it came natural. But with older children it is harder. You don't need to be crazy and silly. But I guess I don't know what I need to be. I think I just need to be relaxed. This probably goes along with number 2. When it is time to play a family game or do something with the older kids I am tired and done. Jason is so much better about making the games fun and relaxed. I am grateful he can do what I cant. And while I don't' feel like I have to be everything and I am ok to let Jason's strengths help with my weaknesses - I want to be more to my children then just the one "doing all the stuff" - the woman in the background. Normally I am totally ok with that, and 5 years ago I think I would have thought that was a noble thing to be. The glue that holds everything together but no one ever sees. In the eyes of my children I would like to SOMETIMES be able to lean in and be a little more fun. This also goes with loving. I am not sure how loving I am. I make a point to hug them, tell them thank you, and praise them. But almost in EVERYONE of those instances I am also pointing out something they didn't do or could do better. I try so hard not too - but it is just so obvious and I HAVE to point it out. If you added up all the words I say to my children each day I would say 40% would be orders "eat lunch", "clean your room", "pick up your ____", then 30% would be criticism/correction of not doing the things I said to do, then 5% would be yelling at them for still not doing those things, then 15% would be other random things, answers to questions, asking them questions about their day, and then 10% would be some sort of religious teaching - and while that adds up to 100% there is probably 3% of saying "thank you" and praising them. Obviously some of those numbers need to change. If I am being honest a lot of it is because of the previous paragraph. Jason is way more strict than me and has WAY more rules and VERY high expectations. I don't feel as strongly as he does. I don't want the kids to feel negative towards him for being so strict or disappointed in them - I would rather take the brunt. I think "Jason is going to yell at him so if I yell at him then Jason won't and he won't feel negatively towards their dad". I thought that I had enough "love in the bank" that they wouldn't think negatively toward me for yelling at them because I did SO MUCH GOOD for them all day. But that isn't true anymore. They are at school all day and then I am just nagging them. My "love bank" has run out and now I am just the nagger - when they aren't even things I feel strongly about. I have known this for a while and have tried to let Jason enforce his own rules - but then he feels unsupported and I feel like we aren't united. It is a whole vicious cycle that I don't know how to fix. And the even more truth - while it may have started out that way, a lot of it has become a habit.
But regardless of how much I have to boss them around and nag them I still can be a loving mother. I need to find the right way to do that. I have wondered how you make rules with out making your children want to rebel. I heard a quote a few months ago that answered that question. Now I can't remember the exact quote but essentially it said that love is the difference. Something like "rules without relationship leads to rebellion." When I heard it I felt the spirit tell me that it was true. Also (another post I should write) I have been watching Super Nanny at night and with older kids she hardly ever disciplines - she just has them spend more time with them and the behavior problems naturally solve themselves. So while my head knows it - I struggle to act loving in the moment. As soon as I have 2 minutes alone with a kid my mind is flooded with ALL the things that I need to tell them, or correct, or change, or _______. But I don't feel like I just CAN'T ever say those things.. so.... I don't know.
2 - Here is something I only have the guts to say on my blog and only because there are only like 5 of you who still read it. I am way too intentional with my children. I have swung the pendulum too far in that direction. I need to learn to just be present. In the moment. Let the children lead. Almost every thing in our day has some sort of hidden intentional meaning. From the music that is on, the books that are out, the talks in the back ground, the conversations we have, the time we spend together, the way they have screen time, what they watch, the friends they have, the routines, the rules, EVERYTHING is intentional, planned and has a purpose. At almost every transition time in our day, every moment of pause, I have some sort of spiritual message or lesson. I don't know if it is healthy. I don't think my kids are sick of it yet - or roll their eyes or think "here goes mom again" - but I don't want them to EVER feel that way and maybe the spirit it telling me it is coming soon. This is going to be a hard line for me to walk - I am going to have to be very close to the spirit to know what to cut out and how. But i know that I need to be with my children just talking and not always trying to steer the conversation or have some spiritual message or NOT be the first one to talk with a spiritual message. It is just so hard not too. There are 2 or 4 times in the day when I have all 4 of them gathered together - it just feels like NOT sharing a spiritual message is such a waste. But just being together, being happy, and feeling loved can possibly do MORE for them than the spiritual message. The spirit is telling me to back off, tone it down. There is a Jim Gaffigan bit where he is talking about how Catholic his wife is and he pretends to be the Pope talking to Jim's wife saying, "Hey, tone it down, I don't even take it that seriously" or something like that. I am embarrassed to say that may be me a little. I have used the gospel as a crutch to make me feel like I am connecting with my kids, but I am not - I am preaching to them from a distance and it has put something between us. One key I think is to just be me, authentically me. Which is very spiritual by nature but to just show my passion and my joy in the gospel and not try to teach or force it so much. Just show my own love. Like instead of trying to teach something just express how I am feeling.
That is all for now.
