Ward Christmas Party

This was actually before I had Dane.  The kids put on a Nativity and sang "Picture a Christmas".

How things are going

I am going to pause in my catching-up updates to record a few thoughts about how the last 2 weeks have gone.  I wrote this today (the 23rd).

• My recovery has been harder than expected.  Since I lost so much blood I am very tired and weak.  I also can't think straight.  That has actually been something I have noticed the most.  I feel dumb.  I cant think of the right words to say or plan things out logically (which isn't good for a mother at Christmas time with meal planning, shopping, prepping, etc - thank heavens Christmas is super duper easy this year). 
• The kids are amazing.  A whole post is coming about this - but I just need to say it here also. They have been so great - not only about loving their little brother and being helpful, but also with all the changes they are just rolling with the punches.  A few days ago I was saying my morning prayers and a prompting came that I needed to start to reprioritize my older children.  I need to spend a little more time nurturing and being intentional.  It is hard to do when they are only home for like 4 hours - 2 of those hours are spent nursing, and we have dinner, homework, and activities - it is hard becasue they don't need/demand it.  They are happy (for the most part) and can and should take care of most of their own needs.  But the prompting came for a reason - so I am excited for winter break to spend some more time with each of them and see what's going on in their little heads and hearts.
• Speaking of winter break... it is winter break.  I wish I had 1 or 2 more weeks before winter break. 
• Having a new baby is amazing.  I forget that every time.  Or every time I swear I never felt like this before.  It is new and different each time.  How can someone you just met make you so happy?  And progressively more happy every day.  I swear I fall in love over and over again, daily, even hourly.  I feel like I have known him forever and can't imagine our lives with out him.  I feel like, "how was I happy before I met you?".  I don't remember it feeling this powerful with the others - but I know that it did.  I miss him even when we are  not in the same room. 
• I spend most of my days and  nights holding him.  I know I shouldn't - but I can - so I do.  He is like my first all over again - and not my fifth.  I have 7 hours a day with just me and him and I use that just being with him.  I am not overly tired so after the older kids go to bed we snuggle and nurse in my room all evening and into the night. 
• He is my hardest baby.  He is by far and wide harder than the girls - but the girls were a dream.  They honestly slept the first 6 weeks of life.  Megan never even really opened her eyes until she was a month old.  They never cried and I never had to "try" with them.  They boys were a little fussier - but it is kind of hard to remember.  But NONE of them cried in the hospital and he screamed the whole last night.  After I had Madison and she was like a month old I remember thinking "I totally got this.  I am completely confident with newborns.  I know just what to do.  Too bad she is my last becasue I just got good at this."  Since then as my sister, sister in laws, friends and neighbors have had babies I have been competently confident.  I know how to sooth and put to sleep ANY crying baby.  I have helped them learn how and what to do.  Now Dane has turned all that on its head.  I have spent hours trying to sooth him thinking "I don't know what you want!  I don't know what to do".  I feel like a first time mom again.  BUT while I feel like a first time mom - I have the patience and wisdom of a mother with 5.  I am not frazzled, I am not stressed, I have not cried, or felt frustrated or overwhelmed.  I take it all in stride.  Everything is a stage and NOTHING lasts forever (good or bad).  There are not "habits" yet, no patterns.  It will all change tomorrow - and if it doesn't, then it will change the next day. So that is a blessing. *I wrote this bullet point in my head 5 days ago and since then I have discovered that he was fussy becasue he was hungry.  Because of my hemorrhage my milk production is low - I have been pumping more and he is now getting fed better and is now hardly ever fussy and sleeps a lot more. 
• And then there is my dear husband.  Jason is a rock star!  I wish I could have 15 kids with him.  He is so good at doing what needs to gt done and making sure the baby and I are happy and have everything we need.  He has been picking up the slack for months and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight yet - but he doesn't complain and just keeps on keep'n on.  He is my rock and my best friend.

School Projects

Of all the days I had nothing to do because I had cleared my November calendar becasue I assumed I would have a baby - all those days I sat around and had nothing to do - I ended up having Dane during a very busy 2 or 3 days.  While I was in the hospital Brock and Madison had school presentations that they had been working on for months.  Jason went - but I was sad to miss them.

Madison was doing a presentation on Helen Keller.  When we went to Utah over Labor day my mom gave me a box of all my old books.  Madison decided she wanted to read them all - we put a bookshelf in her room and stuck them all on it.  There was Babysitters club, Sweet Valley Kids, and several others.  One of them was a biography of Helen Keller.  Madison read it and fell in love.  She learned everything she could about Helen Keller.  Well... in October when it was time to pick a famous person to do a report about Madison chose Helen Keller.  

She had a picture of what she wanted to look like - and she put the outfit together by herself.  I am SO grateful to Jen for curling Madison's hair that morning.  I felt bad not "being there for her" I am grateful to people who stepped in for me!

Brock had been learning about inventors and his inventor was Wilbur Wright.  They had an "Inventors Banquette" that I had actually volunteered to be an interviewer at - so Jason went and did it for me. 

Brock has really started to take ownership in his school projects and is able to work independently on most things.  I am proud of how hard he has been working to make school work for him.

Kids meet Dane

Me friend and neighbor Jen brought the kids Wednesday night to meet Dane.  She had them bring us balloons, flowers, and chocolates - she knows me so well!  I asked her to video the kids coming in - but she mixed up the record and pause button and missed it (ha).  It is ok though because they came in and asked his name and when we said "Dane" they all complained and whined - so I am glad we didn't get it on tape.  But she did take some great pictures!

I love having these pictures from her perspective!

And then they all got to hold him!

Hospital

Here are some pictures from the hospital.  I love being in the hospital with my newborns.  In my whole entire life the 2 days I am in the hospital with them and Jason (so now 10 days total) are my most favorite and sacred days.  I love having just the 3 of us.  Jason is so attentive and protective of us.  Jason and I get to know our new little child as we get to spend 24 hours with him and we also get to reconnect.  I am so grateful to Krista and Jen (and Ashley) for watching our other kids so we could have that time.

We had some of the most wonderful nurses.  The one that delivered me, Ashley, was especially wonderful.  She has 7 kids of her own!  And the hospital was wonderful with natural childbirth!

He likes to hold in his binkey.  It is pretty funny - and also helpful!

Dane cried the entire last night we were at the hospital - I am almost positive he is our only child to really cry at the hospital.  But he screamed and screamed.  It turns out he was hungry and DID NOT want colostrum anymore - but wanted a full belly of milk. 

Dane Grant Herbert

Meet Dane Grant Herbert.  He was born on Wednesday, December 5th at 4:34 am.  He was 2 days late and weighed 7 lbs 4 oz and 21 1/2 inches long.  I was amazed at how small he was for being 2 days overdue.  All my babies were much bigger - or would have been if they would have cooked 40 weeks.  I am notorious for crazy, quick labor and delivery stories.  Dane... not so much.  It was long and slow.  Because of the dichotomy between his labor and my others I didn't handle it quite as well.  I wasn't sure what my body was doing and had a harder time trusting it.  Here are the bullet points.

6:30 pm - We went as a family to Brock and Noah's school orchestra concert.  I was sitting on those hard aluminum folding chairs and started having surges (I will use hypnobirthing terms).  It wasn't unusual - but being 2 days overdue I was hoping they would stick around.  They did.  I had surges the whole hour - pretty consistently.  

7:30 pm - We came home and I went right upstairs to labor.  I laid on the bed and turned on my birthing affirmations.  Jason put the kids to bed.

9:30 pm - My surges were pretty intense and consistent so I decided this was it and wanted to go to the hospital.  They were still 10 minutes apart and I was totally relaxed and fine.  Jason was reluctant to go to the hospital yet becasue in the past when we went I was a little more... um.... laboring.  I was nervous about going too fast since he was past due and wanted to get to the hospital in plenty of time.  I still wasn't 100% sure I was in labor - this had happened twice before but both times it had stopped.  I texted Krista and Jen (my neighbors that were "on call") and Jen said she would come over.  We got our bag (that had been packed for weeks) and at 10:00 we headed to the hospital.

**For a little background.  Jason and I have used hypnobirthing as a means of birthing our children.  We have loved hypnobirthing and natural childbirth and personally I LOVE giving birth - it is one of my favorite things - even while I am doing it.  I very vividly remember laboring with Madison and right while I was transitioning and pushing thinking "I am so sad this is my last time doing this".  My last 3 births have all been fast and very easy.  I was never sure if that is just how the births were - or if it was a byproduct of the hypnobirthing and becasue I was so relaxed and focused I birthed smoothly, easily and quickly.  I had told Jason several times through this pregnancy that I kind of wanted to have a "normal" birth and actually use some of the hypnobirthing techniques we had learned and practiced because I wanted to see if I really could labor naturally if it took a long time and was a hard labor.  Be careful what you wish for.  ha

10:30 pm - We get to the hospital and they put me in triage and checked me.  I was at a 3 - I had been at a 3 for 3 weeks.  I was a little shocked.  I had been laboring for 4 hours - and pretty intensely too - and they had done nothing?!  They said they would come back in an hour to see if I progressed.  

10: 30 pm - 12:00 am - Over the next hour and a half my surges went from 10 minutes apart to 4 minutes apart and were much more intense.  Jason said, "Now I know your in labor - this is how you normally are".  I was handling things well and recognized all the feelings I was having.  Everything seemed familiar and normal and I could tell I was going to have him soon.  

12:00 pm - They came back at 12:00 am and checked me again.  I WAS STILL AT A 3!!.  This was my first level of doubt.  I knew how my body worked.  I knew how labor worked.  I knew these surges were working to thin and open me (I was already 100% effaced ).  If I could labor and feel all the pressure I was feeling for 6 hours and not dilate me at all I felt like something must be wrong.  They said they couldn't admit me unless I progressed - but since it was my 5th and I have a history of quick deliveries they were uncomfortable sending me home.  We decided I would stay a few hours just to see what happens.  Knowing this might not be "it" and that Jason might have to go into work in the morning (I was not going to break my water or start pitocin) we decided he would try to get some sleep and I would labor alone for a while.  

12:00 am  - 2:00 am - I labored for 2 hours while Jason slept.  During these 2 hours things progressed quickly.  I went from 4 minutes apart to 2 minutes apart and they were very intense surges.  Several times I almost woke up Jason to tell him I needed his help.  I recognized these surges - I was transitioning and very close to pushing. 

2:00 am - They came to check me again - I was at a 4.  On one hand I could have cried (or screamed).  How could I only have gone 1 cm!!  I started feeling overwhelmed.  If it took ALL OF THAT to go 1 cm - I wasn't sure I had the energy or focus to get all the way to 10!  But on the other  hand I had at least progressed - so they could admit me. 

2:30 am - They admitted me.  They had me get up and walk to my "real" room.  When I did this something changed.  For the first time I felt pain - real pain - in my left side - I started getting dizzy and felt like I was going to faint - then I got nauseous.  I grabbed onto the side of the wall and said I was going to throw up or pass out and I needed a wheel chair.  They got one for me and wheeled me into my room while I threw up in a bag.  While this sounds bad - once I got to my room they checked me and I was at a 7!

2:30 - 4:00 am - I can't believe this part was an hour and a half.  In my mind/memory it was 20 minutes tops!  It all became a blur as I just really went "into myself" I guess.  I remember laboring hard - I changed positions several times and Jason really had to help keep me relaxed and focused.  This hour and a half was definitely the most we have had to work for a baby together.  Jason rubbed my back and did light touch massage while talking me through visualizations.  The surges were one on top of the other and were at a level I had never been at with my other kids - we were in new territory and while I was handling things ok  - I was getting tired and scared at how long I was going to have to labor like this - I could tell I was getting to the end of my rope - in truth I felt like I had passed the end of my rope but than found new rope - and now I was at the end of that.

4:00 am - the nurse checks me - I am at a 8!  What?!  I lost it.  If that is what it took for an hour and a half for 1 cm I knew I couldn't get to a 10.  I could not do this for 3 more hours (looking back I think I could have - but in the moment it seemed hopeless).  The nurse left and in the next few surges I felt the urge to push - I felt him coming.  The nurse came back and I was still at an 8.  I felt like the room was spinning - I couldn't see straight.  I wasn't in a lot of pain - more tired than anything, and honestly I was scared.  I knew I needed to push - but I wasn't at a 10 AND there was a good chance this baby was 10 lbs.  I didn't know what to do - should I push?  should I not?  I decided to just do what felt natural - which was to push.  After a few surges the doctor came in.  Now this is where the story goes 2 different ways - what I THOUGHT was happening and what was REALLY happening.  What I thought was happening was that I was at an 8 - but the baby was coming and the doctor was trying to .... I don't know - keep that baby from coming?  get me to dilate more?  I wasn't sure - all I remember was screaming, pushing, being scared, and telling Jason I couldn't do it.  What was actually happening was that when the doctor came in I was at a 10 and it was time to push.  I have no memory of anyone telling my I was at a ten or "complete" or that I should push.  I knew I was pushing - but I was also scared and worried that I was pushing him out at an 8.  

4:34 am - Dane was born!  I didn't even know I was actually pushing him out until his shoulders were out - the nurse got me to calm down and open my eyes and I saw him.  They put him on my chest.  I was amazed.  My first few thoughts were about how different he was.  He looked differently than my other kids (that is what I thought at the time - he actually looks like Brock and Madison) and that I didn't know him yet - he was a whole new person. The first thing he did was put his hands in his mouth and suck on them.  It was pretty funny - he is an excellent sucker.

4:34 - 6:00 am - normal post birth stuff happened.  I nursed Dane.  Everything was fine and done.  We were tired, so they left the three of us alone to sleep. 

6:00 am  - we took a nap.  About 10 minutes into the nap I started having quite a bit of pain.  I remembered the post contractions  -but this was way more painful than I remembered.  I actually moaned and whimpered in pain a few times.  I also started sweating - a lot - but felt freezing.  A nurse came in to check on Dane and I told her how I was feeling - she checked me and saw that I was bleeding a ton.  She called a bunch of nurses in and they started checking me out and pushing on my stomach and a clot came out the size of a cantaloupe and my uterus had gone back up into my lungs.  I kept bleeding and I wouldn't stop.  The next hour or so was a frenzy of nurses and doctors.  They gave me lots of different medicines through IV's (they gave me an extra IV) and shots in the thighs.  Nothing was working so they prepped me to go into the OR and started talking about a transfusion.  They were weighing all the blankets and pads to figure out how much blood I was loosing.  Jason was holding Dane pacing up and down the room.  It was pretty scary.  Finally I stopped bleeding.  The medicine started working.  It was a postpartum hemorrage.  I lost a lot of blood.  I am still feeling it.  I am weak, and tired, and light headed.  I am getting head aches a lot.  

And that is my birth story.  We are so smitten with Dane.  Having a new member of the family is so amazing. 

He likes his hands/arms in this position - he naturally holds his binkey in.  Pretty funny.