Swimming with Mads

Over labor day weekend we got Maddie to go swimming with us for one of our outings!  They have been wanting to check out the pool with the "obstacle course" that they see in the blog books.  It was a hit.  They loved it.  

 

"It's me, hi, I am the problem, it's me"

Welp, the posting (mostly) everyday about our daily happenings didn't pan out I may still do that every so often.  When I remember, have time, and have something to say that isn't just complaining.  Because, while I really love my life and don't have much to complain about, when given an opportunity to talk these days... I end up sharing all of my frustrations.  I don't love it about myself because it doesn't represent my true heart.  But it does reflect my needs right now, which is just to be seen, not to complain or have my problems fixed (but by all means.... fix my problems. )

Anyways... here is a post I wrote at midnight one night about 2 weeks ago that I never posted because i used voice to text but never found time to proof read/edit and then I felt like I couldn't blog at all (daily or catch up) until I did that.  So nothing happened.  So here it is, so I can just move on, it is unfinished.  There are notes at the bottom that I wanted to elaborate on.  Maybe I will one day soon.  But for now - you can try and guess what my problems are!  Ha  

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I am equally mortified that I entitled this post by quoting Taylor Swift.  I have actually spent most of my time either not knowing/caring about her or hating her (or at least her songs).  I don't like the message of most of them, as I feel like they play to the baser emotions of most women.  However I took Megan and Madison to the movie (of her concert) over fall break and really enjoyed it.  Like everyone else, I have heard her "Anti-Hero" song a million times but have never liked it or related to it.  Until the movie/concert.  I realized THAT is what I am feeling.  Really for the first time in my life.  I have never struggled with low worth, self esteem, confidence, comparisons, jealousy, being left out or anything like that.  About 18 months ago these feelings started to creep in and, as I sit here now, they are my number 1 emotion most days.  I see the silver lining, that finally experiencing these emotions allows me to relate to the women around me, especially those I serve and my daughters.  I said to Krista once "is this how normal women feel all the time?!"  "Yes" she said.  

I don't understand completely what brought all of this on.  There are a myriad of factors, some based on mortality, some by my own choosing, some by sin, and some as test/trials from God.  I am comfortable with all of those categories.  It may have been a combination of many of those coming at once that proved to be my ultimate downfall, although I disagree with that premise because I have faced worse trial, all at once, and handled them much better than I am right now.  This time lesser trials proved to be too much for my emotional and spiritual resilience.  This post sounds like I am giving up or leaving the church or something - both of which couldn't be further from the truth.  Although for, honestly, the first time in my life I have gone to bed dreading "tomorrow".  So that is new.    

The things I have identified that have brought this sudden sense of awareness.  

• My age (possibly).  While I don't cognitively think of this as a real factor I can not dismiss the cultural stereotypes of women (and men) who approach  their forties.  For sure I am not having a typical "mid life crisis", however I have become increasingly aware of myself and who I am in the world and to the people around me.  I am noticing patterns and behaviors that I have engaged with all my life and noticing they are not serving me well, and when I tried to just "change them" I realized I do not have as much self control as I thought I did.  My struggle to change the things that are no longer serving me has really hurt.  I have been able to easily do this in the past.  Why the lesser capacity?  
• Time management.  I am not sure where this one lands either.  It might be age also.  I have heard from several sources that time ACTUALLY moves faster the older we get.  Or at least the way our brains process time, and you will not be able to accomplish as much in an hour as you used to.  I thought this was just becasue you were old, and moved slower.  But that doesn't seem to be the case.  But something in the way time works has shifted for me.  I thought it was my problem, I wasn't managing my time right, or prioritizing correctly, my schedule needed tweaking, or not having the right balance or efficiency.  But I have checked and ran experiments for all of those factors and the results are the same across the board.  I simply can not do what I used to be able to do, and I can not do all that needs to be done.  This has lead to a feeling of hopelessness as I feel I am "past my prime" and things I have put off for "another season of my life" will, in reality, never come to fruition as I will never be as productive as I was in my 20's and 30's.  This has lead to deep feelings of loss and sadness.
• Teenagers - missed opportunities, not matching vision, they don't like me, hate that I care that they don't like me, unable to actually act the way I want to act with them.  
• toddlers - no friends, no big activities this fall, dopamine hits, babysitter, being their primary care giver
• knee surgery and broken foot - fun activities, dopamine hits, clean and organized house, being able to choose how to spend my time, feelings of failure how I actually spent my time, even when what I did WAS HELPFUL.
• house projects
• Friend group with littles
• Am I really "past my prime"
• Spirituality.  Hearer not a doer.  Being more harmful than helpful.  Zealous. 
• Balancing being a wife with being a mom. 
• my capacity has not been enlarged and I don't see it happening in the future.  What will I do if my capacity keep diminishing?  
• Guilt because my life is not that hard.

Maddie's Birthday

This year I finally put together some of Madison's biggest problems in life and I realized that she has a really hard time making decisions.  This has been manifest most in her birthdays.  She often foregoes birthday parties becasue she doesn't know what to do.   This year was no different (last year she did have a party, but I basically forced it and planned everything).  This year I told her I wasn't doing that and she had to make plans.  She never did, so she decided not to do anything.  So... I threw her a little surprise party.  I had her friends come to the house before school and take her out to breakfast.

I actually told her the night before, we were on a tight schedule because none of the breakfast places opened until 7, but school starts at 7:30, so I needed her ready but not having eaten breakfast at 6:50.  She acted surprised though.  

Mia, Brailynn, Brooke, and Maddie

Her cute Young Women leaders came in the night and set up this birthday cake and put compliments all over our front door.  

We went to Corner Street Bakery first but as the girls looked through the menu they decided it was too "grown up" for them, so we headed over to Chick Fil A

Maddie really wanted a birthday crown to wear to school.

While she was at school the babies (100% on their own) decided to decorate her room.  

For her birthday dinner and dessert she stuck with her usual Sesame Chicken and Oreo Balls.

I got her a fuzzy blanket (along with a Target shopping spree before school started), Grandma got her a much desired White "Stanley Cup" water bottle, and Aunt Ashley came in for the win with a bag full of "cute" stuff, that any 12 year old who loves Target would love.  She hit the nail on the head and loved all of it.  

Maddie at 12

• One thing I have just come to learn about Madison in the last few months is how funny she is.  She has become very witty.  It isn't obvious, so  you have to listen for it.  But she has had some perfectly timed responses or one liners that provide comic relief that has kept me laughing for a few hours later. 
• As mentioned earlier she is our fashionista of the family.  We all ask her for advice on hair, makeup, jewelry, clothes, etc.  I am really enjoying it.  Megan will do it as well which I find nice that she isn't bothered by asking her little sister.  Brock has asked a few questions and Maddie LOVES that.  Jason and Noah haven't yet, which isn't surprising,  :) 
• Maddie gets along great with older teenage girls.  I don't see this a lot personally, but I hear about it, both from Maddie and Megan.  At all YW or school activities Maddie gravitates towards the older teenage girls and seems to fit right in.  They all seem to love her.
• Her and Brock have really gotten along lately.  She loves being involved in his dating life, and as mentioned earlier, she has made friends with most of Brock's dating prospects, so he takes her advice seriously.  
• As the "original youngest" Madison still have almost all the traits of the youngest, which is a bit infuriating, since she is no longer the youngest.  But she is always dodging chores, waking up late, lunging around the house until I forget she hasn't done her jobs yet.  She is no longer the last one at the table, as she is now joined with the ACTUAL youngest child, Eve.  Both of them refuse to eat dinner under an hour.  And while they aren't incredibly picky they are the pickiest, but even if it is a dinner  they like, they are still the last ones to finish.  
• Maddie is an able baker.  I bet she is one of the best bakers of all 12 year olds.  It is pretty impressive.  She is a fun babysitter, not just for Dane and Eve but all the families she babysits for.  She knows HOW to play with the kids and how to get them to do things they don't want to do.  

 

High School Reunion

A few days after school started Jason and I headed to Utah for our 20th high school reunion.  It wasn't super easy to convince Jason to go.  For convenience sake I will post my Facebook post here:

It was our 20th high school reunion this year. I really wanted to go. Jason... not so much. I wasn't sure WHY I wanted to go. Since we met in high school and it is part of our story I felt like we needed to go to honor that part of our history. Also, as my children become teenagers I have been thinking more about the people who impacted me, but I didn't realize it at the time. My heart yearned to see some of them again and to thank them for their impact. I convinced Jason to come and we reluctantly drove to Utah - just the 2 of us - for a quick weekend trip, while the children were passed around between a few houses and babysitters (thanks!)

We had pretty low expectations, especially Jason. As we left the parking lot around midnight Jason said, "I am so glad we came''. I couldn't have agreed more. That was one of the most fun nights we have had in a really long time. We had some deep conversations with old childhood friends, old acquaintances, and new spouses we met. My heart hurt a little realizing that Heavenly Father gave me an amazing group of people to share my childhood with and grow up together, only to not be in each other's lives as adults. Everyone was so kind, smart, informed, and sweet. You look back at all of us as teens and we were a bit of a hot mess, but now... everyone was so wonderful and I left with such pride in my heart for all of my classmates. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for our class officers who, at 17, committed to an extra full time job every 10 years with no pay. Thank you!

And can you believe I didn't take one picture of me and Jason! After all the talk to him about how we had to go to honor how we met?! Ha ha. Once we were there we did realize it wasn't about us and we spent almost the whole night not with each other but talking and visiting with others. But for sure my biggest regret!

End of Facebook post

I orchestrated a Madrigal reunion for the night before the real reunion. I knew that would increase the likely hood of Jason agreeing to go. It was a total success! You never know how these things are going to go. The first hour or so was a little awkward, but as the night wore on it became better and better. They started singing and everything just flowed from there. We ended up staying until almost midnight talking and soaking in the feelings of being with people who seem to know you in a deeper, if not different way than the rest of the world.

They insisted I get in the picture at the end.  I was not in madrigal.  But I followed my hot boyfriend around and went to all their performances, so you know, I basically was ;)  This was also my "new friend" group after I started dating Jason. I am so grateful they accepted me, I love them deeply for their kindness and their ability to show me Heavenly Father's love when I needed it the most.

Nicole, Jonelle, Ann, Marisa, Kristen, Emily, Troy, Anthony, Adam, Jason, and me

Singing was the highlight of the night.  It had all the good feels. 

Having Ann play was lovely and I was so impressed she brought her piano.  

Joey! One of my dearest life long friends. This is one of those: he means more to me than I do to him, but I don't care at all! He was someone that even as a child and teen I felt safe with, we would talk for hours on the phone, and now that he is an accomplished therapist I even called him a few years ago for some help in our marriage! haha. For real. I knew he knew both Jason and I and loved us both (they played football together since like 5th grade) and I just felt like he could help. He did!

Jason's best childhood friend, Corinne. I took her over though. She knew Jason best and I went to her a lot for advice (Jason was a complicated teen). She helped me so much and somethings she said still help me to this day. One thing was: "I would never accuse Jason of saying something he didn't mean. It isn't in his character". Well... it is in my character, so I naturally default to that and Corinne was 100% right and often her words, in her voice, come back to me.

Jason's childhood friends and my "adopted" friends. They weren't sure about me at first (I was in a bathroom stall when Jason and I started dating and they came in and were talking about me. They said "I can't believe he is with someone like "her", what does he see in her. It is so weird. She isn't even an academic!" haha. It didn't offend me, they were right. But I THINK they have learned to love me. I love them!

Here is a picture of them in middle school, plus Charm

My friend group (before I met Jason) Some of them I have been friends with since third grade. I can not express my love for them and the impact they made in my life. I had the happiest of childhoods because of them.

friend group girls. I WISH there were about 10-15 others here tonight. This was hardly our "whole group". Most missed were the ones who have left us too soon and I hope were looking down from heaven. Jara and Ali (who we lost in high school to a car accident) and Amy (who died a few years ago) were OBVIOUS holes at the reunion. 

The boys. Again... missing about 10 or 15. But these are some of my most favorite men. The best part about them was how sweet they were to Jason when we started dating. They knew him from football and they were kind to him both in high school and at the reunion. If you didn't know us in high school you probably don't understand the whole "when Jason and I started dating thing" - I won't explain it, but obviously both of our friend groups didn't really approve! haha 

Willow Creek 5th Ward!!! My youth group growing up was very small. So small that 4 years after graduating the stake dissolved the ward. I hated that it was so small growing up but now I love how much I still love them. I have not REALLY seen Jake or Dave for 20 years. I didn't know I was coming to the reunion to reconnect with them, but it turns out that is exactly why I was there. We had some pretty deep conversations about our childhood and how we saw each other and the experiences that shaped us. We said things that needed to be said for 20 years. Sad to have missed Tom, Mariko, Ryan, and Kara. Tom was one of the people I had hoped to see but didn't come. I love Tom and haven't seen him in 20 years and I miss him. He is the best.

Zach Durous, this was Karli's high school boy friend.  I needed a picture of him for Karli.  Jason and I hung out with them quite a bit.

Random pictures from the reunion.