Finally I am beginning to understand

There is a song called "gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman that I have always liked.  I discovered it for the first time back in 2010 when we were going through similar financial/employment/child bearing years.  The first verse and chorus goes like this:

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

I remember thinking, "wow - I don't feel that.  That is the kind of faith that I want - but a faith that I do not have.  How on earth do you give thanks for and ask a blessing on the very thing bringing you your pain and suffering?" The last 8 years I have tried to find and grow that kind of faith.  Over the last 8 years we have had it rain - but even in the rain some of our hardest trials still came.  And now, the drought is worse then ever.  We are shrinking in the shade and the shade is quickly disappearing. 

Today I heard this song again and I found that I am not afraid.  I have found that faith - instead of tearing up and identifying with the verse and pleading to a God who seems not to care or be aware (which is what I did 8 years ago) - I was instead rejoicing with the chorus and giving thanks to him for the last year and for the trials that are in our future.  I know that we are in His hands.  I know he has a plan.  It is not our plan - but His ways our higher then our ways and he is not so concerned with our finances, or soccer, or school, or birthday parities, or even our mortgage - he is concerned with our hearts.  I know in His own time and in His own way - he will light our path. But maybe not, maybe not today, maybe He will provide in other ways, and if that is the case - I am grateful to be molded into the wife, mother, and woman that he wants me to be and am counted worthy of His watchful care. The song goes on to say, "oh the differences that often are in between everything we want, and what we really need."  I know with every fiber of my being that I want what I really need and not what I think I want or need.  And so I trust Him.

It was a nice tender mercy this morning to realize how much my faith has grown in the last 8 years and that I am standing on solid ground this time.  I am not afraid.  I am not scared.  I am fine.  I have hope and faith.