I was reading my blog a week ago trying to find a cute story about Megan when she was a toddler for the spotlight at Primary. Reading about those four little kids brought joy, longing, tears, laughter but also there was a great post that brought me back to reality that is all wasn't sunshine and roses. I did a lot more journal posting then. I also posted about things going on that week rather than a month or two behind - which helps with journaling.
I am sitting down to do a journalish post - but nothing is really coming. I have a lot I could say - but it seems too private. It is harder to post about my older kids because I want to respect their privacy - and I know they read this... so there's that..
Maybe I will talk about this... my marriage. (not too personal... right?)
Jason got laid off almost 9 months ago - and since then he has basically been home. He has a new job now - but he is home Monday - Wednesday all day and then travels Thursday - Sunday twice a month - well.. in theory. He has traveled a lot less then that - so he has been home... a lot. About a year ago when we discussed quitting his job I told him that it was really important to me that he NOT work from home. I had a bad attitude about it - mostly because most women I know have a bad attitude about it. I didn't want him home all day. I didn't want him here in my space, in my day. I was looking forward to my upcoming year of all my kids being in school and the house and my time being mine again. I wanted to be alone. I felt like I had earned it.
So when he got laid off (something I am used too) - I knew I could handle it - short term of course. I could keep my smiling face and my frustrations to myself knowing that he would be back to work soon and I could have my house, life, and schedule back. Then we chose this job. I knew it was right for him, for us. I knew we needed to take it. But I resented a little that I was giving in on my one thing - not home during the days.
I decided then and there to have a better attitude. I could either love it or hate it - but the reality wasn't going to change. I decided to channel my inner "girlfriend" and thought, "what 17 year old Jamie would have given up to spend all day with Jason!" She would have never dreamed that I would be resenting the fact that we had to spend the whole day together. Some days were better then others in the beginning - but it was my attitude. Other than channeling my inner teenager I also channeled my great aunt Pat. My grandma told me a story once and I always remembered it. Pat and her husband Dave were driving across country to something (I think a wedding) and Pat told my grandma "I am just so excited to spend all that time with just me and Dave in the car and talk", my grandma thought she was crazy she said (to me) "they are both just home all day together anyways, what could they possible have to talk about in the car that they can't talk about at home all day. Pat always just seems to be so in love with Dave and thinks any time she gets to spend with him is a gift. Now to be fair, sometimes we roll our eyes at Pat, but isn't her way better than my way? I think my previous attitude deserves a few eye rolls.
I can honestly say I have now come to love having Jason home. This past year has been a gift. My whole attitude has changed. I like having him around, I like having him to talk to. I also really know that I like who I am more when he is around. I feel like our marriage has been more of a real marriage in the last few months than it has been in the last few years. We have to really work at it more, we have to give grace and forgive a lot more. This year could have driven a huge wedge of resentment and I am grateful that I changed my attitude and instead I feel closer to him then ever. If all of this job stuff has been just for me to learn this lesson it has been worth it - because I found my best friend again.
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