Finding joy in motherhood

I have always found a lot of joy in mothering my two young boys. Even when Noah was a newborn and Brock was just 16 months - I found my "monotonous" days of diapers, naps, feeding and book reading full of fun and fulfillment.

About 2 months ago I lost a lot of that joy I had been feeling. I am sure it was based mostly on circumstances and our situation. We were looking for a house, living with my parents, and doing about a million other things. I was stressed about how I was stressed. I was being impatient with my boys and my level of frustration was only heightened by knowing that soon I would have a third. I KNEW I had to find a way to fix my attitude.


We are in our house now and life has totally slowed down, that has fixed a lot of it. I am finding joy in the little things and have gotten back to my normal routine. But I have found my one and only saving grace: scripture reading. For full disclosure - I have not been great at it since Noah was born. I will go a few weeks on and then a few weeks off - but even during my "on" weeks it was something I forced and didn't really enjoy. I had to remind myself to do it - it was never a habit and never something I "feasted" on, until now.

About 3 weeks ago I realized it was the one thing missing in my life, and the only thing that would bring the spirit into my life, and improve my relationship with my Saviour, and in turn help me feel joy. I was half way through the Book of Mormon at the time but I felt prompted to start another book. I decided on the New Testament, it had been about 2 years since I had read it, and I knew it would be great to just study Jesus' teachings, since I was really trying to invite Him into my daitly life. When I was in Matthew Chapter 3 I had the idea to relate EVERY reading to my life, specifically my life as a mother. I feel as though I have found the key to a locked treasure, my whole life has changed. I yearn for those 5 minutes in the morning when I get to pray and read - I haven't felt that in years, it is so refreshing. Those moments are sacred to me and I am learning so much - and the best part is - my whole day is effected. I can tell a drastic difference when I read. The joy just flows into my heart when I would normally be frustrated or bored. I don't stress about how much I read or for how long, I am not marking or journaling, I wish I were and hope to add that in soon, but I just don't want to make it too overwhelming. I just read what I can read and try to gleen somesort of insight. This has worked well for me.

Another thing that has made a difference is reading with my boys. Every morning during breakfast we read a few versus from the Book of Mormon, I don't try to make it too intense, I just read until they want me to stop. (Tip: I have found that they are more interested if I say "Jesus" for every reference to Him - they recognize His name and get really excited.) When both of these readings take place, our day just seems to go better.

I wish I posted everyday

I write a blog post in my head everyday and plan on writing it once the kids go to bed... but I never do and am always sad that my life is not documented the way I would like. When I do have time to post I am torn between "catching-up" on our outings and "new-happenings" and a journal-type entry.

The main reason I haven't posted lately is because I want to to a GRAND post about our latest news. But have not gotten around to taking a picture. So I am just going to do the post - with out a picture.

We bought and are living in our house!! I had planned on documenting every process, thoughts and emotions that come along with this wonderful event - but as with my previous paragraph - I failed. It turns out when you move you don't have a lot of free time - and you don't have access to the Internet.

We are so excited about the house - it is wonderful - we are so happy. I am a little stressed with my "to-do" list. It also turns out that it is not easy to move, unpack, clean, and get ready for your third child (a girl this time) while being 8 months pregnant. I start each day with a million things I need to do to get things cleaned, unpacked, or organized and find that all my energy goes towards just keeping the house clean and then I am just too tired or too sore to touch the boxes. I told Jason that if I just weren't pregnant for 12 hours I could get my to-do list done, but it is probably going to take me all 6 weeks to get ready for our little girl. I have a ten-step plan. I pray she doesn't come early.

Step one - unpack everything
step two - clean and wash everything
step three - organize everything
step four - unpack, organize and buy clothes for the boys for spring
step five - buy, borrow, and find everything I need for a girl
step six - wash and organize all girl stuff
step seven - have baby
step eight - adjust to new baby and and three childrn
(coincide with step seven and eight Jason will be working on the yard)
step nine - decorate house with the the things I have
step ten - buy new things the house needs
I plan on reaching step ten by the end of the summer.

I promise as soon as I unpack our camera I will take a picture and do a "proper" post about our home.

Coming with an empty cup

I feel like dry desert ground just waiting - crying out - for rain to fall so I can drink up - soak up - every last bit.

I have found myself actually day dreaming about General Conference and counting down the days until it is here. I find myself wondering things like: What will the topics be? What will be the theme of the conference? What will Elder Holland speak about? (He has picked some powerful topics the last 3 or 4 conferences) I have never anticipated conference so much. I am just waiting for the down-pour and hope I am spiritually prepared to receive what I need.

Just a fun photo

Last weekend at my cousin's wedding.

It may be the closest thing to a belly shot your gonna get.

Our first snowman

Yes, I feel incredibly guilty that Brock has been obsessed with Frosty the Snowman for 2 winters now and this was our first snowman, I could give you a list of excuses as to why we haven't made one before, but let's be honest... it was laziness. Brock went and "checked" on his snowman about every 10 minutes for 2 days, then he melted. Brock actually thought it was more cool than sad that he melted.

"My Noah"

I have long referred to Noah as "My Noah". While Brock was my first and I was/am completely in love with him, from the moment he was born he had a special connection with his dad that I could just not compete with. But with Noah, I felt like he was mine. This feeling, however, has not helped me know how to parent him. It has been a struggle.

I don't mean to give Noah a bad rap - he is a good baby - still pretty mild mannered and he could be FAR worse, and it is not fair to him, but compared to Brock... any child would seem more difficult. Despite this little attitude of rebellion in his eye and a tint of craziness in his behavior, it is not the "misbehavior" that exhausts me - I actually find it endearing. I get frustrated because I honestly don't know what this kid wants or needs. I feel like we have been "at odds" since he was about 15 months old. I was constantly just trying to keep him happy, rather than teaching him to be patient, obedient, or calm (which was always my first priority with Brock), and anytime I would stop trying to "pacify" him and try to teach him, it was just more frustrating than rewarding. I felt like a complete failure with him.

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany, I was not allowing Noah to grow up the way he wanted to. I was still treating him like a baby. I believe the more independence you give your child and the more you trust them, the better they will behave. I was not treating Noah like a capable child that was able to obey. The epiphany came when I was thinking about Brock at Noah's age.

When Brock was 14 months old I went on bed rest with Noah's pregnancy, despite a 1 week stay at my mom's house I was alone with him all day. A 14 month old boy, in the middle of summer, in a third story apartment - we still had to get out everyday. He had to be very independent and very obedient. I taught him to walk up and down our 3 story cement steps by himself, climb in and out of his high chair and car seat, and run and get his own balls after he had hit/kicked/thrown them. When he was 16 months Noah was born and he took on a lot more responsibility with his own independence and helping out with Noah. By the time he was 18 months, I could trust him to do most things by himself.

Because Noah did not have a younger sibling, I had not taken the time to give him the independence that he so desperately wanted. I would just pick him up and take him where I wanted him to go, or take something from him I did not want him to have. Speed and cleanliness were more important to me than teaching. I changed my attitude and started to treat him like he was his own man who got to make his own decisions - and what a difference it has made!! Some days I forget, and still treat him like a baby, and we have hard days. But when I remember to stop, and let HIM figure it out and let HIM decide to obey or let HIM learn the consequences, our days our good.

I love Noah so much and he brings so much joy to my life, he makes me work harder as a parent and for that I am grateful. I have always felt like I have had these children to teach ME how to be a parent rather than me teaching THEM. He really is "my Noah".

Having a third child... and a girl

This will probably be a lot of random thoughts about my upcoming delivery. I am just in the mood to post, and of coarse, this is what is on my mind.

One of my friends has always done things about a year or so ahead of me (college, marriage, one child, own a home, two children, etc), so I have always looked to her for advice and a gage of how to handle things. It also helps that I think she is the most perfect mom and wife... and basically wonderwoman. When she had her second child I was pregnant with Noah, I was constantly asking her, "is it hard?", "What is the hardest part?", "Are you overwhelmed?", "How do you meet both their needs?" etc, and her answers were always really positive and optimistic and she always was saying that it wasn't hard. So I went into my "mothering of two" stage very optimistic, and I found that I had mostly the same experience as her, I thought it was great. It wasn't very hard, and the abundant joy and fun definitely outweighed the times when they were both screaming.

So my friend had her third child about 4 months ago and knowing that I was pregnant with my third I figured that I would gage off of her experience again. So I asked her "Is is hard?", not really listening for an answer because I knew it would be the same, "No, it is really great" answer. She threw me way off guard when she said, "Yes, 3 is really hard."

What?

Really hard! I had not anticipated this. I know she can do ANYTHING, about 3 times better than I can, so if it is hard for her (and her kids are further apart than mine), how am I supposed to do this? I started getting the same comments from other mom's who had 3 children under the age of 3 or 4. My Aunt Pat said, "this one will kill you, you just can't do anything, you can't manage 3 children that young all by yourself, you just have to live in survival mode for about a year or two." A family friend said, "You can't go anywhere, you just have to stay home." My saving grace, the thing I just keep going back to is my mother. I will have my first 3 children in 37 months - my mom had her first 3 children in 37 months as well. And she really doesn't have anything negative to say. She said, "I am sure there were hard times, but I don't really remember them, you just do it."

Despite all this "negativity" (no one has been negative, just honest) I am nothing but excited for this baby. Is it extremely prideful (or ignorant) to think that I can do it. Because I really think that I can. I have decide just to embrace this stage in my life and let the rest go. This is not a time for me to be going to lunches in the afternoon, I should just be at home napping my children. This is not the time to always have a perfectly clean and organized home. This is the time to have a very child friendly home, it will only make my day easier. I think if I just embrace it and have my goal to do what is best for me and my children, I think we will be ok. Is that extremely naive? We will see.

Not to mention this is a girl. I have had my roller-coaster of emotions on this fact. It's not that I didn't want a girl... it was just that I was SO SURE it was a boy. I mean, SO SURE. So I just had to readjust the "picture" I had for our family, and now I am so excited. Excited to have Brock and Noah be really close and have this cute, wonderful little girl that they get to learn to be gentle and delicate with. I am exited to have "the boys" and then me and the baby. It will be wonderful to have another girl in the home. I am intimidated on what to do with her. Both my boys were throwing balls at around 3 months, is that the same for girls? Do I need to buy other "girl" toys, or can I just have my basket of balls and cars for her?

I am also really excited for the birth. I have pulled out all my hypnobirthing stuff and am listening to my affirmations daily. To be honest, I love the whole birth process - I find it so wonderful. I have told Jason that if when we are done having children I want to be a surrogate because I just love giving birth, he told me no - boo.

A few quick facts - in case you were wondering

• We moved in with my parents until we close on a house (originally it was supposed to be February 23) - but the house fell through - so now we are trying to hurry and find another one.
• This housing thing is hard... when to settle... when to be picky... how am I supposed to know?!? We have put an offer on 4 houses. We have one currently that we are supposed to find out on Tuesday if we get it. We REALLY need to get it - I am at my breaking point. (um... did I REALLY just complain about looking for houses, if I would have read this on someone elses blog 2 months ago I would have been sick, "oh - you poor thing, having a hard time buying a house" how easily we go from one complaint (we have no job, no house, a baby on the way, no money, etc) to another. I think I need a lesson in gratitude!)
• Noah went to nursery for the first time last week. He did great! I have had a child with me for almost 3 years straight in church (and for 3 months I had both of them) (For those of you wondering if the church has ever made a statement about how far apart your children should be... they haven't, but they give you a STRONG hint by not letting them go to nursery until they are 18 months...so... :) Now I have about 10 weeks to soak up every gospel doctrine lesson and RS lesson until I am back in the mothers lounge - I have big plans for my spiritual growth :) (I am pretty sure I just ensured that my next calling will be nursery or primary... right?? Crap)
• Brock is sleeping in a "big boy bed". He has been for almost 2 weeks now. He has been 100% perfect. Since the very first time he got put in his bed he has NEVER gotten out. I don't know why I am surprised, he is very obedient and easy - I just keep thinking one day he is going to HAVE to defy us and be normal 2 year old. Not yet I guess.
• Jason LOVES his job. And they LOVE him. His boss called me today just to tell me how much they love him and what a great job he was doing and thanking me for supporting him in his work. (I do know his boss, so it wasn't totally strange, but still...) (*For any of you NET people - Jason is working with Don)
• UM... I went to the doctors yesterday and I had to make my next appointment and they told me it was in TWO WEEKS. I about died, I argued with them, I told them that if I started coming every two weeks that meant I was going to have my baby soon, and I was sure I still had 6 months to a year before my baby was born. They politely told me that I was in my third trimester and I should probably start mentally preparing to have this baby. I lost the battle and scheduled my next appointment for 2 weeks.
• I am excited about the baby. It is just that I was not expecting to still be at my patents - we just took the bare basics here and put the rest in storage. There is NOTHING I can do to prepare for this baby. So I just have to pretend that the due date is far away and we will definitely be in a house before she comes.
• People see me with 2 young toddlers and a pregnant belly and they look at me like I am crazy or pathetic - I am not sure which one. I don't feel that way at all. I am nothing but excited and feel very blessed. I think my life is pretty wonderful.
• Someone asked me, for the first time, the other day if Brock and Noah were twins. I will probably start getting that more and more as they become closer to the same height. There is not a lot of physical difference between a 2 and 3 year old.

A missed Christmas Post

I just realized I never posted about my Grandma's Santa Party. Every year my Grandma has all of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren over to her house for a Christmas party. It ends with Santa coming and giving all the kids one present. Brock was very excited to see Santa. As you can tell he was really wanting to get up and get a present. He stood there patiently, waiting for Santa to pull out a present for him.

Finally it was Brock's turn - however I could not get a smile

Noah was all smiles - I wish I could have gotten it without the hands.

(Their hair is really not that blond - it is just the lighting.)

Brock got the best present ever... a Super Grover Cape!! (his favorite character). He loved it the night he got it - and then had a hard time with it. He was disappointed because he thought that it didn't work because he couldn't fly. It actually broke my heart to see him disappointed - I wished it WOULD have made him fly. He didn't wear it for a few weeks -and then in mid-January he rediscovered it - and now LOVES it. He often wears it on our outings. I think it is wonderful, I never care - A little boy in a cape is just about the most adorable thing I have ever seen!

Gingerbread house... a little late

Apparently I am not the only one who couldn't fit making a ginger bread house into the month of December.

We got a cute little "ginger bread house kit" from a secret Santa left on our doorstep. I had planned on doing it... but never got around to it. So, on the morning before we packed up and moved out of our apartment, we made it... on a whim. It was about 7:30 in the morning and if any of you really know me, you will know that I cringed the whole time my boys were eating it. But how could you not let them, look at that joy!

Brock did most of the decorating - and Noah was eating it off just about as fast as Brock put it on. I had to do a little referee-ing, but all in all it was the boys' project.

They could not keep their hands off it!

Thanks mystery giver... we loved it!

Catching up on…. “Before we left Provo”

Before we left Provo my boys got really into building forts, or “forks” as Brock liked to call them. I am the one who started it. I loved forts as a child and find them very “boyish” and currently I am in love with anything “boy”. Everyday since Brock wants to build a “fork”. At first I just put a blanket over a corner where my couch and rocking chair met, and they thought it was great. Brock put pillows on the ground to make doors and Noah would knock to get let in.

Then one day I made the mistake of making a giant fort using our whole living room and every blanket and sheet we owned. I moved the couches to make tunnels and even got out the duck tape. Now we have to go all out everytime.

Lesson learned: keep things simple until they figure out it could be better.

Provo

I am leaving Provo in two days. About 2 years ago I wrote this post in my head and it was full of snooty comments, untamed excitement, and a lot of exclamation points containing promises of "never to return". But I have found myself overly emotional this past week, quite sad I am leaving, and actually more in denial than I even thought possible.

On Wednesday morning I will wake up with the boys, have a normal morning in my completely functional/NOTHING packed apartment. I will take the diaper bag and the boys and leave my apartment and drive up to my parents house in Salt Lake - just like I have done millions of times. Only this time I will never come back. Jason will come home from work Wednesday night and spend the rest of the weekend packing, moving, and cleaning. (Full disclosure: I actually just teared up thinking about it.) To think that I will close the door on my fully furnished normal apartment is... sad. I do get terribly sentimental about stuff like this. To know that this is the apartment where we brought our first two children home from the hospital to; all of the time spent here learning how to be a mom, and a wife for that matter -and now that part is over. Provo is where we were engaged, our first home, our first... everything - we have been here for 5 years - longer than we thought. But I think that has made it better.

To be honest most of what I am most sentimental about is the last year or so. The first 3 and a half years were expected and welcomed. We had a lot of friends, support, and a plan. We knew we would be here for a while and we made the best of it. If we were to have moved when all of our friends did and when we had expected I don't think it would have been as hard. But the last year and a half has been hard. I have been completely alone with my 2 very young boys. And despite my efforts to complain and be negative - I was forced to make the best of it - for my boys sake. Almost everyday this past summer was spent just the 3 of us wondering around Provo/BYU campus. We played in the parking lot, went to the duckpond, the library, the park, the pool, the temple, Provo Canyon, watched tennis matches, etc. It was just the three of us, and while at the time I was aching for another mom to be with us so I had someone to talk to - looking back I realize that those moments are some of my most precious mothering memories. I think sometimes with all of the distractions of playgroups and other moms (while definitely needed) - the sweet tender moments of your young children gets hurried by.

"They" say these years will pass quickly (being a young mother with young children), and I attest that they do, but I am glad to say that I have soaked up every single moment. This is a new chapter in our life - and although I have been DYING to start it for what seems like forever, now that it is here - a part of me wants to hold onto our simple little apartment and would be quite happy to spend another summer with my 2 favorite people at the duck pond and Exchange Park.

Then I think about that blasted Fourth of July crap and know I would scream if I had to spend one more summer here. Yes I am a little bi-polar right now... and pregnant :)

Traditional Roles

Jason does so much for me and the family. He really helps keep things running around here. I often like to call him my "stage crew" or "the behind the scenes manager". Pretty self explanatory - he just does a lot of the little jobs that help keep the house/family running smooth. ex: Refills (laundry detergent, flour, diapers, wipes, sippy cups, diaper bag, my water bottle - all these things have "bulk" packages and then containers for everyday use), if he notices the laundry needs to be changed or folded he does it without me saying a word, he cleans up dinner every night, whenever we are going somewhere he makes sure everything is packed in the diaper bag and loads everything into the car and when we get home he unpacks everything and puts it away, he makes the bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and cleans up the living room every night after we put the kids down to bed. And now that we are moving he says that he wants me and the boys to go to my parents house for a few days while he packs up the WHOLE apartment and cleans it - I don't have to do anything! However the reason for this post is not to brag about what an awesome husband I have, although I definitely could!! It is to talk about why this extra help makes me very uncomfortable.

I mostly contribute Jason's helpfulness to the example his father gave. Randy (Jason's dad) and Debbie (Jason's mom) do a lot of things out of "team work", I have never really noticed much of "women's work" or "a man's work" around their house or from stories of them growing up. Debbie tells stories of how everytime a baby woke up in the night Randy would get the baby, change the diaper (or pj's and sheets if needed) and then bring the baby to Debbie to feed and then he would put the baby back to bed. Almost all of the dinners they make they both make together and when building a new house or landscaping a yard - Debbie is right along side Randy putting up dry-wall or hauling dirt around the backyard, and on the other side I usually see Randy being the one to vacuum or do the dishes after dinner. Everything is pretty much done together. While my parents are still a "team" things were done very traditionally in my family. My mom did everything around the house: the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, decorating, taking care of the kids. While my dad was in charge of the "man stuff": work (making money), all car repair and needs, yard work, fixing up the house, "honey-do" list, etc. They both played their roles almost flawlessly, in my opinion, and without any conflict, they just seemed to know what was expected of them. Oh, sure -they would ALWAYS help one another if it was asked of them, I have seen my mom mow lawns and my dad can cook us dinner, and often did Sunday morning breakfast - and they were both very involved with our lives - but even that was divided - my dad did all the outdoors stuff with us - coached our sport teams, taught us to ride bikes, took us hiking and camping, and also helped us with our homework and big school projects, while my mom did all the carpooling, fun things with our friends, and was more in charge of our day-to-day upbringing.

So, my point is, after this introspective look into our upbringing I have figured out why, when tonight I was doing a load of laundry and saw that my container had been refilled (after I had been putting it off the last 3 loads), my first reaction was to fill so guilty that he felt like he HAD to do that for me. To be honest, that whole first paragraph of the post, was really hard for me to write and admit that he actually does all that stuff for me- because it makes me feel like I am not an adequate housewife - if my mom didn't need help with all that stuff - neither do I...right?? I recognize how silly that is and how blessed I am that Jason does all that stuff around that house - why would I ever complain??? I know he doesn't do it because HE thinks I am inadequate and that I OBVIOUSLY need the help, he does it because he sees that it needs to be done, and so he does it - it doesn't occur to him, that it is "my job" - and even if it does - he is just doing it to be nice.

Despite all his help, our goal is the same - and we do like to stay within our "traditional" roles - because that is what makes each of us happy and fulfilled. But sometimes when I think I have my whole day together - I have been the "perfect mother" and "perfect wife" and doing all my "duties" flawlessly and then Jason comes home from work and does something really "mean" like change Noah's diaper or or clean out a pan that I had left to soak - I naturally think to myself "did he do that because he thinks that I wasn't going to or that my life is so crazy and unorganized that I really needed the help." I know that is an INSANE way to think and I know that is NOT what he is thinking - but still that is my initial reaction. And the truth is, I do need that help, and even if I don't NEED it, I definitely WANT it. So why the embarrassment? Why the guilt? When I know that he was happy to do it and I am happy to receive it?

Despite knowing this - still I cringe - I cringe every time Jason goes to work with a shirt that is not ironed (FYI: they are wrinkle free shirts - but still...), I cringe when I go into get the laundry and it is already folded and put away, and I cringe every time he is the one who puts my keys on the key ring and my shoes in the shoe basket. But immediately following that cringe - is the overwhelming sense of gratitude - and how happy I am that we have found a balance that works for US - despite our different upbringings.

Funny story: Jason and I started dating when we were 16 - most people thought we were silly for falling in love so young. Anyways... about a year after we were married I was throwing a wedding shower for a friend at my mom's house. Coincidentally, my mom was also throwing a shower for a girl in her ward that same night- but using a friends house. It was about an hour before both of our showers started and we were both running around, a little stressed, trying to get everything done. Jason was doing a bunch of things to help me out - each time he was done with one of his "jobs" - he would come back and say, "what can I do now". At the end of the night I over hear my mom say to my older sister, "We all thought Jamie was crazy for dating Jason so young and no one else, but she did it right, she got him young and trained him to be exactly what she wanted... he was running around helping her while my husband was watching tv." (To be fair, my mom never asked for help) I did feel a sense of pride hearing her say that... but to be honest I think his parents had more to do with it than me... I just keep expecting it and he keeps doing it.

What does this look like to you?

If you answered, "Like a family out celebrating something" - you are absolutely right! (Look...we even got an appetizer - we have NEVER gotten an appetizer).

That is right - Jason got and accepted a job offer in South Jordan. When it came down to it he actually had 2 companies bidding for him. This new development also came with a decision to move to Salt Lake and buy a house - asap! So I have spent the last 2 weeks with a realtor trying to find our 'dream home' - at a good price of coarse. The current plan is to work and be in the house for about 2 years and then Jason will go get his Masters (hopefully out of state). We are thrilled and nervous about all of these recent new decisions. Life seemed a lot easier when we had no decisions - as we fret over all these changes we have to remind ourselves that we prayed for this. I am so proud of Jason - he has worked so hard and we are grateful for this wonderful opportunity we have been given.

RANDOMNESS:
I have some random things I have wanted to blog about for the last few weeks, but never got around to it - so here you go.

• Provo is practically pleasant during the Christmas break.
• Noah talks a bunch - it is funny because you will miss it unless you REALLY take the time to listen to him - it all just sounds like babble. But he is talking in FULL sentences - you just have to stop and listen. (EX: "I want to go to Chuck-E Cheese", "I need more milk." "Time to go outside", and "Put on my shoes") Of coarse each word is really just a vowel sound and a consonant here or there - but if you listen you will hear it.
• From my previous "Mothering Style" post I have done some soul searching and discovered that I have stifled Brock's independence in an effort to keep my day smooth, productive, and organized. I have repented and am trying desperately to calm down a little and be the type of mom I REALLY want to be. My degree is in Early Childhood Education for crying out loud - I know better! I just lost my footing for a while. But with number 3 on the way I am really going to need Brock to put on his own shoes, get in and out of his car seat, and wash his own hands.
• Special K with Red Berries has become a new staple in my day. It has always been one of my favorites - and indulgence only enjoyed at my mom's house because it is so dang expensive. But Macey's had it on sale for $1.50 and I bought 5. I have gone through a box almost every other day. I am on my last box and I am in mourning.
• Ever since Noah stopped taking his morning nap (about a month ago) I have had a lot of trouble getting my mornings together. I was having a hard time just "plowing through", all the getting ready, cleaning, eating, etc with 2 toddlers and no break. By 10:30 I was flustered and frustrated - and so were the boys. But this week I think we have figured it out. I have to shower before Noah wakes up and I have to use their breakfast time more efficiently.
• When your baby goes from two naps a day to one nap a day - it is a sad time. And although it is sad - it has been welcomed around here. It is nice being able to just get up and go and not have to worry about being home until lunch time. Our outings are a lot more fun and productive.
• I realized that I just have 8 more weeks of church until Noah is in nursery. I haven't not had a baby with me in church for 3 years. I got really excited. Then I realized that I would only be alone for about 7 weeks (and one of those is General Conference) before our little girl came. Oh well... there will be a season in my life for perfect church attendance, thoughtfully partaking of the sacrament, and attentively listening and participating in gospel lessons, but this is not it.
• The next season of The Biggest Loser just started and I am having a hard time getting into it - which is making me sad. I really love the show - but for some reason none of the contestants are really standing out to me. It is all kind of just - Blah.
• I am really wondering if anyone is still reading this these are my thoughts and I am pretty bored.
• I am still kind of in shock that we are having a girl - but am getting really excited - I have embraced the idea. But a whole separate post on that is coming.

New Years Day

Since Jason was home from work on New Years day - we decided to take a trip to Chuck-E Cheese. It was a really fun trip, the boys loved having Jason there.

Mothering style

If you care much about my parenting choices go ahead and read - if not skip to the last paragraph for the real purpose of the post.

I have been wanting to do a post for about a year now on my mothering style. I wanted to document how I have chosen to mother and how some of those choices are different than what I thought they would be. Sometimes as moms (parents) we make very purposeful, logical, intentional decisions about how we want to raise our children - and are willing to accept the consequences either way.

One example for me is the way I feed my children. I breast feed exclusively for (about) a year (give or take a week or so). Neither of my children ever had formula. At 6 months I make all my own baby food and don't give my children anything artificial for a long time. I am really crazy when it comes to candy, desserts, and "empty" calories - I feel that if I am feeding it to my child, it should count for something. As they get to be 2 or so I am forced to "let go" - but I cringe on the inside everytime Brock has an ice cream cone or eats some chocolate. To be honest - I am not totally sure why I have chosen this eating habit, it does not depict my eating style AT ALL - I am not health conscious or anything like that, it just seemed natural and logical. I am not sure what this is going to do to my children, so far it has worked wonderfully. Both my boys eat great and LOVE all vegetables and have very "grown-up" palates. They prefer wheat bread over white and while, of coarse, they like candy and treats, they are not overly crazy for it and for the most part can take it or leave it. However, I am totally aware I could get another child where this could TOTALLY backfire and they will be sugar crazy and hate all things healthy. But I am willing to accept that consequence if it turns out that way and will not regret my choices in feeding my children.

Another choice is letting my children act like children and trusting them to make good decisions, even at young ages. When I go to the store I rarely put my boys in a shopping cart. I let them walk with me. I don't mind if they wander a little or run in front of me (granted this is only if the store is not too busy). I don't get embarrassed when Brock runs down the isle and then slides when he gets to the bottom - and I usually let them go to they toy isle and play with the balls for about 10 minutes. I figure that if they have to run errands with me during their "outings" time, they should probably be able to get their energy out. I trust and expect that they will be obedient and make good decisions, and for the most part they do, and if they don't there are clear and immediate consequences, I am not a push over or let me kids do "what ever they want", but as long as they are not
-hurting anyone or
-damaging property
I try to let it go.

But sometimes as moms (parents), we have NO CLUE what we are doing and are just flying by the seat of our pants. One example was potty training. While I was potty training Brock, several people asked, "What is your philosophy?" or "how are you doing it?" My response was always, "I have no idea what I am doing, and there is a good chance I am screwing him up for life." I still feel that way. He is totally potty trained and has been for almost 8 months, but I still have no idea what I am doing.

One example I thought I had under control, and now I am not so sure is discipline. With Brock my philosophy is 100% consistency, NO MATTER WHAT. I believed that if I was always consistent about the rules and the consequences and I as immediate and precise with them, then the good behavior would follow. Almost any parenting technique will tell you the best behaved kids are those who can predict the consequences to their actions, whether good or bad. And it totally worked with Brock - I thought I was the best mom. And Noah... not so much. He appears to really thrive on negative attention. EVERYTHING is a fun game for him. Luckily he is pretty well behaved and not too mischievous, but I will tell you, he could care less about consistency. The best way to get Noah to stop doing something he is not supposed to do (playing with the toilet, turning off the TV, taking ornaments off the Christmas tree) is to ignore him. That is totally opposite from my parenting philosophy and I am struggling with what the right decision is on how to discipline him. I am learning every kid is different and my parent style needs to adjust.

But for the real reason for the post. My friend just did a post on her blog about a parent style test she took. I took it. I am not totally satisfied with the results. Unfortunately I find that I have a hard time being honest when I take quizzes like this, I always give the answer I WANT to be. For example it will say, "I enjoy spending time with my children." Then I respond with true or false. I will of coarse say true, because I want it to be true - I could never put false, even if it was false. (it is not false by the way). So my type of Mothering Style is The "Happy Together" Mother. Boo - doesn't that seem a little to perfect to be true - I mean, come on... who REALLY is that... all of the time? To be honest, reading it, it does sound a lot like the mom I WANT to be, and every day I TRY to be - but I am not comfortable saying that is the mom I am. It was interesting though and if you are better at being a little more honest with your self and knowing the difference between what you ARE and what you WANT TO BE - then you should take it - because I still don't know the difference.

Christmas Morning

I would definitely classify this as our first "real" Christmas. Brock has been in love with Christmas and Santa and Rodolph and Frosty and Baby Jesus and The Angel all month. He knows all the Christmas songs and sings along with them in the car (my car radio ONLY gets FM 100 - so we have been forced to listen to Christmas music since November), he has decided that "Away in a Manger" is his favorite.

I personally felt like it was a successful Christmas. I was a little nervous because we decided to go "light" on gifts. Growing up my mom always cried on Christmas because she felt like we didn't get what we wanted or is wasn't perfect enough - and last year I followed in her footsteps. But this year I spent almost no money on Christmas - but I ended up feeling like it couldn't have been more wonderful. My boys were overjoyed and every gift had a purpose and a place to go afterwards. Then I made a wonderful brunch that was very fancy and delicious I might add. By the time my boys went down for their naps I really felt like our Christmas day had been perfect and that I had some how "pulled it off". (With a lot of help from Santa, of coarse)

Yes - between me and my mom, the boys got musical instruments. Everyone thought I was crazy - but I love them. I treat my days like a preschool. We have art time, music time, story time, free play, pretend play, etc. It is mostly just to help me stay organized and not go crazy with 2 boys in a 10 by 10 square foot area most of the day. So the instruments are in a box in the closet and only come out for specific times, and then get put away, this is the way most for our toys are. I think kids play more purposefully when toys and activities are presented this way anyways.

Noah got this dog, and honestly I hate it. I hate it because he is SO CUTE with it. So, Noah thinks it is a real dog - and he LOVES him. He gets down on his belly so he is looking the dog straight in the face and he just talks to him. He is currently trying desperately to teach it to catch a ball. He holds the ball in front of the dog's face and says, "catch ball" and then throws it. He continually points at the thrown ball and yells, "catch ball, catch ball" after about 30 seconds of this Noah runs to get the ball, puts it in his mouth and crawls back to the dog - obviously trying to SHOW the dog how he is supposed to do it. He tries to hug the dog and get it to lick him. And rather than watching in awe of how cute it is, it breaks my heart because I just want that stupid dog to go catch the ball, or just react in some way to my child who is trying so hard to get the dog to love him.

The aforementioned firetruck (from the Christmas eve post)

Most of the toys we got this Christmas was for both of the boys, trying to get them to play together - and it is totally working. They play together so well, and without much direction from me. My heart melts every time my children do something "brotherly" to each other. I love to see them play together!

Christmas night at my mom's house.

Christmas Eve

This year we spent Christmas with my family. We went to my grandparents house for Christmas eve with my mom's side of the family. We have a big family dinner, we dance around the Christmas tree, open some presents, and eat yummy desserts. This party is probably my favorite party and every year that I miss it I am very sad.

Brock and Noah - I can not believe I had two children dancing around the tree. I can remember dancing around MY great-grandma's Christmas tree on Christmas eve. It is strange how time flies.

Ashley and Brock

When it is time to open presents it is complete and total chaos - but it is wonderful. Everybody gets two presents - one from Grandma and Grandpa and one from an aunt or uncle (we draw names). But we always have to take turns and go around one at a time, so we can see each other open them. There are 23 grandkids and 4 great grandkids - When you are little that is pure torture!

Brock trying NOT to peek

Brock got a fire truck from his Great. It is a very classic looking one - it is very beautiful - it reminds me of what should go under every Christmas tree. My boys are in love with it (all three). Give a boy a fire truck and they are entertained for hours.

Jason could not get it out the box fast enough!

My mom got all of her grandkids Christmas PJ's - so of coarse we needed a cute picture. At 9:00 Christmas eve night - just after opening presents and a bunch of candy and sweets - yea right! We took about a billion and bribed and threatened for about 10 minutes - then just had to give up - these were the 2 best.

Temple Square

We went to temple square to see the lights on Christmas eve, eve. It was snowing, but not too cold. We got the most perfect parking place - right in front of the temple gates! This picture below describes the boys feeling... magical.

Some family photos

The red tree was the favorite - we know this because after about 10 seconds of being there Brock said, "This is my favorite tree." He has really been into deciding what things that are his favorite lately. Noah was just mesmerized. He is talking a bunch - mostly just one or two words for a thought. One of his favorite words is "light" - so this was a great outing for him. He also likes to say "tree". Which is what he is saying in not the next picture, but the next one.


On the way home of coarse the boys fell asleep - Brock's coat was so puffy it just held his head straight up. It was so funny we had to take a picture.