Bringing her home

They boys have met her - and love her. Last night was a little dicey - mostly with Noah. I think it is hard to have your mom gone for 2 days and when you get her back she has a baby. Last night I went to bed worried that things were about to get really hard.

Then this morning Jason got up with the boys and I slept in. At about 9:00 Jason came in and asked if I was going to come down because, "Noah keeps asking for... baby sister!" When I finished that sentence in my head I assumed he would say, "Noah keeps asking for you." Then I heard Noah coming up the stairs saying, "baby sister, baby sister." Him and Brock walk into our bedroom, don't even LOOK at me, run right past me to Megan and start talking to her, "baby sister, baby sister, Megan, hi, I missed you, etc" This was probably the first time in Noah's life that he didn't run right to me as soon as he saw me. The rest of the day has been just as great. They love her (but are not all over her, thank heavens) and they still love me (of course) but are not possessive or sad when I have Megan.


Right when the boys saw her on Sunday night.

Brock wanted to hold her. He LOVES that he is her "big brother".

Noah thought he wanted to hold her, and then discovered he did not. He still has not wanted to hold her. But just loves to look. Perfect!

I desperately need to give a HUGE thanks to mine and Jason's family. Since Megan was early I hadn't figured out who was going to watch my kids, and didn't have anything written out or packed for them. My family was SO great. They just took care of everything and Jason was able to be at the hospital with us the whole time (which is exactly what I wanted). They came on Saturday and cleaned my whole house, did the laundry, and finished all of my "to-do's before the baby comes" - PLUS watch my boys. My dad fertilized our lawn and started killing our weeds. Jason's parents went shopping for me and finished getting all the things we needed for Megan and then came on Sunday and cooked us dinner and Debbie cleaned my "new" (from Craig's List) kitchen table - and I mean she CLEANED it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All of you have made this transition so much easier. We have the best families!

Megan Jane Herbert

We welcomed Megan Jane into our family early Friday morning. That is right... I had our little girl. She was 6 weeks early and quite unexpected - but now that we have her we are thrilled she she was so excited to join our family and decided not to wait. We have been in heaven getting to know our new little girl. Although she was early, and is considered a preemie - she is perfect. Everything was fully developed, and she is eating and sleeping great. She never needed oxygen or any other "preemie" procedure. She is small 6 lbs 2 oz and 18 inches long - but other than that there is nothing preemie about her.

Our birth was perfect! Everything we have always wanted (except for 6 weeks early). We delivered at Alta View - which was wonderful! They were so supportive of our plan for natural childbirth and mother directed pushing. Here is a quick outline:

10:30 pm (Thursday night) - I started having contractions - not a big deal, have them a lot. Went upstairs to relax and try to get them to stop.

11:30 pm- Told Jason that these felt different and like they were actually "doing" something. We decided that she was too early and we had too much to do (I had quite a checklist of "to-do before baby comes), so I should try to relax or get distracted to make the contractions stop. I got in the bath to relax.

12:30 am - Contractions are more intense - I decide to go downstairs and watch TV to get distracted. Oprah is on and it was interesting - but the contractions are still intense. I am very tired, so now I am falling asleep in between contraction, but each contraction is waking me up, if sleeping and a good Oprah are not working, I decide these are for real.

1:30 am - I call Jason downstairs and we discuss our options. I told him that I felt as much pressure and tightening as I did right before I crowned with Noah - but with Noah I felt that way for 5 minutes - and this time I had been feeling that pressure for about an hour. So I wasn't sure what was going on. We decide to get to the hospital. We called my mom to come stay at the house with the boys.

2:40 am - We get to Alta View hospital and get settled in. They check me and I was 9 cm and 100% effaced. We realized I was going to have her, regardless of my checklist, so I stopped fighting my body and let her come.

3:15 am - I was just relaxing, doing my thing, and I felt the urge to push, so I did and felt the baby come down and blood. I announced that I needed to start pushing. My doctor had just gotten in the room. The doctor took a look and told me to push when I was ready. I was a little frazzled and wasn't sure what position I wanted to push in - Jason tells me I was a little disagreeable - but I think I was quite pleasant. After a few minutes I was as ready as I could be and I started to push.

3:20 am - Megan was born. Before hand they had told me since she was so early I wouldn't be able to hold her when she was born and they would have to take her right to the nursery. I was pretty upset by that. But as soon as she was born, she started to cry, so they said her lungs must be fine so I could hold her for a minute. They checked her while I held her and discovered that she was fully developed and fine - so she never even had to go to the nursery!

It was all so wonderful. Megan did so good, she knew what she was doing, despite my efforts to try and stop her. :) The staff at Alta View did so wonderful we were so impressed! Jason is such a wonderful birth companion, I could not have done it without him, he is so calm and supportive, he works just as hard as I do.

Right now it is Sunday afternoon and the boys (who have been at my mom's house) will be here soon. They haven't seen her yet, so pictures and stories will come soon. And I have about 4 or 5 posts I need to do to "catch-up" so those will be coming quick (hopefully) so I can just focus on our new little girl.

Our house

Finally - I took a picture of our house. We are so thrilled. We are in West Jordan and are having a lot of fun getting to know our neighbors and new neighborhood.

As many of you know we have been wanting to be in a house for almost 2 years now - but instead have been in our tiny, third story, Provo apartment. So, naturally, being in a house has LITERALLY changed my life. Here are some of the biggest perks.

1 - The BEST part for me right now is the garage. Getting those two little boys (plus my pregnant belly), diaper bag, and any groceries or toys up and down those 3 flights of stairs was so overwhelming. Not to mention we were going to my parents a lot to look for houses, so I was always taking a pack and play or a high chair or a million other things. It was getting so difficult. Now going places and coming home is not overwhelming - it is so wonderful to just go into the garage - NOT HAVE TO SCRAPE OFF MY CAR - and leave. Super easy! Sometimes in Provo I would just circle the block until I was "prepared" to make the journey up the stairs.

2 - A yard. I don't think I can really add to that statement. With 2 little boys - all they want to do is be outside. We have a fully fenced backyard - and I can be in the kitchen making dinner and they are out in the backyard playing. It is a dream come true.

3 - Space. This has been great for my children's sleeping habits. The bedrooms are all upstairs - away from the toys, yard, kitchen, etc - so no one is getting woken up. Noah is now sleeping from 1 to 4 everyday. The space has also encouraged my boys to play together more - rather than relying on me. When all three of us were within 10 feet of each other all day - it was always the three of us playing. And while I love playing with my boys, I always ended up being the referee, "give that back", "not so hard", "it's Brock's turn", "get off Noah", etc, which just ends up making whinny children who always expect you to solve their problems. But now I am not always in sight and they play together so well and don't always expect me to referee.
Disclaimer: This wasn't the case the first 2 weeks - The boys thought they lived in an amusement park - with all these new places to run and jump and climb - we had a lot of discipline issues and they were getting hurt a lot - but now they are used to it and it is great.

4 - The kitchen. Many of you probably know that I love to eat any sort of dessert all the time - and I also do not like my children to have these desserts (partly because I want them to eat healthy and partly (mostly) because I don't want to share). The boys can be playing and I can go into the kitchen and enjoy a cupcake or a cookie and they have no idea! It is so wonderful - I could never pull that off in the apartment.

Those are the main ones that I can think of right now. As I discover new ones I may add to the list. Thank you to all those who have prayed for us the last little while - with Jason's lay-off and the pregnancy and everything. It is amazing how your life can change, for better or for worse, so instantly. We are being very blessed right now and are so grateful for these blessings - we hope to always live worthy of them.


We have 2 apple trees and 2 pear trees in our backyard. And today Brock discovered he can climb them.


Our lawn needs A LOT of work. Our house was a foreclosure and has been vacant for almost a year. But this week I found these growing among weeds and dead bushes. They have made me very happy.

Discovery Gateway

We got a pass to Discovery Gateway (now that we are in the valley), and one to the Aquarium and hopefully one to the Zoo. I love watching my children play. They are both very focused and have great concentration. They have fun downstairs (especially with the balls - of coarse), but they love upstairs the most. Below are just some wonderful pictures of my kids playing.

This is Brock's airplane. He builds it everytime we go.

Noah's number one obsession right now is throwing balls down stairs. Good for him we just moved into a house with stairs. He throws all 4 thousand balls that we have down the stairs - then Brock throws them back up - then Noah throws them back down. This is repeated about 20 times a day.

Discovery Gateway is so expensive it is only really worth it if you get the pass. But once you do it is so worth it. It has been great for family outings - Jason loves to build things too, they are like three little boys playing together. And, once you have the pass it doesn't matter if you only go for 20 minutes - because it is free. I definitely recommend it.

Feeling refreshed

I definitely got the "fill" I was looking for. Holy cow - conference seemed to be directed at me (and every other parent!). I am grateful that Heavenly Father prepared me to receive those messages. My boys were GREAT during conference - I think I was able to listen more this year than in years past.

Finding joy in motherhood

I have always found a lot of joy in mothering my two young boys. Even when Noah was a newborn and Brock was just 16 months - I found my "monotonous" days of diapers, naps, feeding and book reading full of fun and fulfillment.

About 2 months ago I lost a lot of that joy I had been feeling. I am sure it was based mostly on circumstances and our situation. We were looking for a house, living with my parents, and doing about a million other things. I was stressed about how I was stressed. I was being impatient with my boys and my level of frustration was only heightened by knowing that soon I would have a third. I KNEW I had to find a way to fix my attitude.


We are in our house now and life has totally slowed down, that has fixed a lot of it. I am finding joy in the little things and have gotten back to my normal routine. But I have found my one and only saving grace: scripture reading. For full disclosure - I have not been great at it since Noah was born. I will go a few weeks on and then a few weeks off - but even during my "on" weeks it was something I forced and didn't really enjoy. I had to remind myself to do it - it was never a habit and never something I "feasted" on, until now.

About 3 weeks ago I realized it was the one thing missing in my life, and the only thing that would bring the spirit into my life, and improve my relationship with my Saviour, and in turn help me feel joy. I was half way through the Book of Mormon at the time but I felt prompted to start another book. I decided on the New Testament, it had been about 2 years since I had read it, and I knew it would be great to just study Jesus' teachings, since I was really trying to invite Him into my daitly life. When I was in Matthew Chapter 3 I had the idea to relate EVERY reading to my life, specifically my life as a mother. I feel as though I have found the key to a locked treasure, my whole life has changed. I yearn for those 5 minutes in the morning when I get to pray and read - I haven't felt that in years, it is so refreshing. Those moments are sacred to me and I am learning so much - and the best part is - my whole day is effected. I can tell a drastic difference when I read. The joy just flows into my heart when I would normally be frustrated or bored. I don't stress about how much I read or for how long, I am not marking or journaling, I wish I were and hope to add that in soon, but I just don't want to make it too overwhelming. I just read what I can read and try to gleen somesort of insight. This has worked well for me.

Another thing that has made a difference is reading with my boys. Every morning during breakfast we read a few versus from the Book of Mormon, I don't try to make it too intense, I just read until they want me to stop. (Tip: I have found that they are more interested if I say "Jesus" for every reference to Him - they recognize His name and get really excited.) When both of these readings take place, our day just seems to go better.

I wish I posted everyday

I write a blog post in my head everyday and plan on writing it once the kids go to bed... but I never do and am always sad that my life is not documented the way I would like. When I do have time to post I am torn between "catching-up" on our outings and "new-happenings" and a journal-type entry.

The main reason I haven't posted lately is because I want to to a GRAND post about our latest news. But have not gotten around to taking a picture. So I am just going to do the post - with out a picture.

We bought and are living in our house!! I had planned on documenting every process, thoughts and emotions that come along with this wonderful event - but as with my previous paragraph - I failed. It turns out when you move you don't have a lot of free time - and you don't have access to the Internet.

We are so excited about the house - it is wonderful - we are so happy. I am a little stressed with my "to-do" list. It also turns out that it is not easy to move, unpack, clean, and get ready for your third child (a girl this time) while being 8 months pregnant. I start each day with a million things I need to do to get things cleaned, unpacked, or organized and find that all my energy goes towards just keeping the house clean and then I am just too tired or too sore to touch the boxes. I told Jason that if I just weren't pregnant for 12 hours I could get my to-do list done, but it is probably going to take me all 6 weeks to get ready for our little girl. I have a ten-step plan. I pray she doesn't come early.

Step one - unpack everything
step two - clean and wash everything
step three - organize everything
step four - unpack, organize and buy clothes for the boys for spring
step five - buy, borrow, and find everything I need for a girl
step six - wash and organize all girl stuff
step seven - have baby
step eight - adjust to new baby and and three childrn
(coincide with step seven and eight Jason will be working on the yard)
step nine - decorate house with the the things I have
step ten - buy new things the house needs
I plan on reaching step ten by the end of the summer.

I promise as soon as I unpack our camera I will take a picture and do a "proper" post about our home.

Coming with an empty cup

I feel like dry desert ground just waiting - crying out - for rain to fall so I can drink up - soak up - every last bit.

I have found myself actually day dreaming about General Conference and counting down the days until it is here. I find myself wondering things like: What will the topics be? What will be the theme of the conference? What will Elder Holland speak about? (He has picked some powerful topics the last 3 or 4 conferences) I have never anticipated conference so much. I am just waiting for the down-pour and hope I am spiritually prepared to receive what I need.

Just a fun photo

Last weekend at my cousin's wedding.

It may be the closest thing to a belly shot your gonna get.

Our first snowman

Yes, I feel incredibly guilty that Brock has been obsessed with Frosty the Snowman for 2 winters now and this was our first snowman, I could give you a list of excuses as to why we haven't made one before, but let's be honest... it was laziness. Brock went and "checked" on his snowman about every 10 minutes for 2 days, then he melted. Brock actually thought it was more cool than sad that he melted.

"My Noah"

I have long referred to Noah as "My Noah". While Brock was my first and I was/am completely in love with him, from the moment he was born he had a special connection with his dad that I could just not compete with. But with Noah, I felt like he was mine. This feeling, however, has not helped me know how to parent him. It has been a struggle.

I don't mean to give Noah a bad rap - he is a good baby - still pretty mild mannered and he could be FAR worse, and it is not fair to him, but compared to Brock... any child would seem more difficult. Despite this little attitude of rebellion in his eye and a tint of craziness in his behavior, it is not the "misbehavior" that exhausts me - I actually find it endearing. I get frustrated because I honestly don't know what this kid wants or needs. I feel like we have been "at odds" since he was about 15 months old. I was constantly just trying to keep him happy, rather than teaching him to be patient, obedient, or calm (which was always my first priority with Brock), and anytime I would stop trying to "pacify" him and try to teach him, it was just more frustrating than rewarding. I felt like a complete failure with him.

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany, I was not allowing Noah to grow up the way he wanted to. I was still treating him like a baby. I believe the more independence you give your child and the more you trust them, the better they will behave. I was not treating Noah like a capable child that was able to obey. The epiphany came when I was thinking about Brock at Noah's age.

When Brock was 14 months old I went on bed rest with Noah's pregnancy, despite a 1 week stay at my mom's house I was alone with him all day. A 14 month old boy, in the middle of summer, in a third story apartment - we still had to get out everyday. He had to be very independent and very obedient. I taught him to walk up and down our 3 story cement steps by himself, climb in and out of his high chair and car seat, and run and get his own balls after he had hit/kicked/thrown them. When he was 16 months Noah was born and he took on a lot more responsibility with his own independence and helping out with Noah. By the time he was 18 months, I could trust him to do most things by himself.

Because Noah did not have a younger sibling, I had not taken the time to give him the independence that he so desperately wanted. I would just pick him up and take him where I wanted him to go, or take something from him I did not want him to have. Speed and cleanliness were more important to me than teaching. I changed my attitude and started to treat him like he was his own man who got to make his own decisions - and what a difference it has made!! Some days I forget, and still treat him like a baby, and we have hard days. But when I remember to stop, and let HIM figure it out and let HIM decide to obey or let HIM learn the consequences, our days our good.

I love Noah so much and he brings so much joy to my life, he makes me work harder as a parent and for that I am grateful. I have always felt like I have had these children to teach ME how to be a parent rather than me teaching THEM. He really is "my Noah".

Having a third child... and a girl

This will probably be a lot of random thoughts about my upcoming delivery. I am just in the mood to post, and of coarse, this is what is on my mind.

One of my friends has always done things about a year or so ahead of me (college, marriage, one child, own a home, two children, etc), so I have always looked to her for advice and a gage of how to handle things. It also helps that I think she is the most perfect mom and wife... and basically wonderwoman. When she had her second child I was pregnant with Noah, I was constantly asking her, "is it hard?", "What is the hardest part?", "Are you overwhelmed?", "How do you meet both their needs?" etc, and her answers were always really positive and optimistic and she always was saying that it wasn't hard. So I went into my "mothering of two" stage very optimistic, and I found that I had mostly the same experience as her, I thought it was great. It wasn't very hard, and the abundant joy and fun definitely outweighed the times when they were both screaming.

So my friend had her third child about 4 months ago and knowing that I was pregnant with my third I figured that I would gage off of her experience again. So I asked her "Is is hard?", not really listening for an answer because I knew it would be the same, "No, it is really great" answer. She threw me way off guard when she said, "Yes, 3 is really hard."

What?

Really hard! I had not anticipated this. I know she can do ANYTHING, about 3 times better than I can, so if it is hard for her (and her kids are further apart than mine), how am I supposed to do this? I started getting the same comments from other mom's who had 3 children under the age of 3 or 4. My Aunt Pat said, "this one will kill you, you just can't do anything, you can't manage 3 children that young all by yourself, you just have to live in survival mode for about a year or two." A family friend said, "You can't go anywhere, you just have to stay home." My saving grace, the thing I just keep going back to is my mother. I will have my first 3 children in 37 months - my mom had her first 3 children in 37 months as well. And she really doesn't have anything negative to say. She said, "I am sure there were hard times, but I don't really remember them, you just do it."

Despite all this "negativity" (no one has been negative, just honest) I am nothing but excited for this baby. Is it extremely prideful (or ignorant) to think that I can do it. Because I really think that I can. I have decide just to embrace this stage in my life and let the rest go. This is not a time for me to be going to lunches in the afternoon, I should just be at home napping my children. This is not the time to always have a perfectly clean and organized home. This is the time to have a very child friendly home, it will only make my day easier. I think if I just embrace it and have my goal to do what is best for me and my children, I think we will be ok. Is that extremely naive? We will see.

Not to mention this is a girl. I have had my roller-coaster of emotions on this fact. It's not that I didn't want a girl... it was just that I was SO SURE it was a boy. I mean, SO SURE. So I just had to readjust the "picture" I had for our family, and now I am so excited. Excited to have Brock and Noah be really close and have this cute, wonderful little girl that they get to learn to be gentle and delicate with. I am exited to have "the boys" and then me and the baby. It will be wonderful to have another girl in the home. I am intimidated on what to do with her. Both my boys were throwing balls at around 3 months, is that the same for girls? Do I need to buy other "girl" toys, or can I just have my basket of balls and cars for her?

I am also really excited for the birth. I have pulled out all my hypnobirthing stuff and am listening to my affirmations daily. To be honest, I love the whole birth process - I find it so wonderful. I have told Jason that if when we are done having children I want to be a surrogate because I just love giving birth, he told me no - boo.

A few quick facts - in case you were wondering

• We moved in with my parents until we close on a house (originally it was supposed to be February 23) - but the house fell through - so now we are trying to hurry and find another one.
• This housing thing is hard... when to settle... when to be picky... how am I supposed to know?!? We have put an offer on 4 houses. We have one currently that we are supposed to find out on Tuesday if we get it. We REALLY need to get it - I am at my breaking point. (um... did I REALLY just complain about looking for houses, if I would have read this on someone elses blog 2 months ago I would have been sick, "oh - you poor thing, having a hard time buying a house" how easily we go from one complaint (we have no job, no house, a baby on the way, no money, etc) to another. I think I need a lesson in gratitude!)
• Noah went to nursery for the first time last week. He did great! I have had a child with me for almost 3 years straight in church (and for 3 months I had both of them) (For those of you wondering if the church has ever made a statement about how far apart your children should be... they haven't, but they give you a STRONG hint by not letting them go to nursery until they are 18 months...so... :) Now I have about 10 weeks to soak up every gospel doctrine lesson and RS lesson until I am back in the mothers lounge - I have big plans for my spiritual growth :) (I am pretty sure I just ensured that my next calling will be nursery or primary... right?? Crap)
• Brock is sleeping in a "big boy bed". He has been for almost 2 weeks now. He has been 100% perfect. Since the very first time he got put in his bed he has NEVER gotten out. I don't know why I am surprised, he is very obedient and easy - I just keep thinking one day he is going to HAVE to defy us and be normal 2 year old. Not yet I guess.
• Jason LOVES his job. And they LOVE him. His boss called me today just to tell me how much they love him and what a great job he was doing and thanking me for supporting him in his work. (I do know his boss, so it wasn't totally strange, but still...) (*For any of you NET people - Jason is working with Don)
• UM... I went to the doctors yesterday and I had to make my next appointment and they told me it was in TWO WEEKS. I about died, I argued with them, I told them that if I started coming every two weeks that meant I was going to have my baby soon, and I was sure I still had 6 months to a year before my baby was born. They politely told me that I was in my third trimester and I should probably start mentally preparing to have this baby. I lost the battle and scheduled my next appointment for 2 weeks.
• I am excited about the baby. It is just that I was not expecting to still be at my patents - we just took the bare basics here and put the rest in storage. There is NOTHING I can do to prepare for this baby. So I just have to pretend that the due date is far away and we will definitely be in a house before she comes.
• People see me with 2 young toddlers and a pregnant belly and they look at me like I am crazy or pathetic - I am not sure which one. I don't feel that way at all. I am nothing but excited and feel very blessed. I think my life is pretty wonderful.
• Someone asked me, for the first time, the other day if Brock and Noah were twins. I will probably start getting that more and more as they become closer to the same height. There is not a lot of physical difference between a 2 and 3 year old.

A missed Christmas Post

I just realized I never posted about my Grandma's Santa Party. Every year my Grandma has all of her grandchildren and great-grandchildren over to her house for a Christmas party. It ends with Santa coming and giving all the kids one present. Brock was very excited to see Santa. As you can tell he was really wanting to get up and get a present. He stood there patiently, waiting for Santa to pull out a present for him.

Finally it was Brock's turn - however I could not get a smile

Noah was all smiles - I wish I could have gotten it without the hands.

(Their hair is really not that blond - it is just the lighting.)

Brock got the best present ever... a Super Grover Cape!! (his favorite character). He loved it the night he got it - and then had a hard time with it. He was disappointed because he thought that it didn't work because he couldn't fly. It actually broke my heart to see him disappointed - I wished it WOULD have made him fly. He didn't wear it for a few weeks -and then in mid-January he rediscovered it - and now LOVES it. He often wears it on our outings. I think it is wonderful, I never care - A little boy in a cape is just about the most adorable thing I have ever seen!

Gingerbread house... a little late

Apparently I am not the only one who couldn't fit making a ginger bread house into the month of December.

We got a cute little "ginger bread house kit" from a secret Santa left on our doorstep. I had planned on doing it... but never got around to it. So, on the morning before we packed up and moved out of our apartment, we made it... on a whim. It was about 7:30 in the morning and if any of you really know me, you will know that I cringed the whole time my boys were eating it. But how could you not let them, look at that joy!

Brock did most of the decorating - and Noah was eating it off just about as fast as Brock put it on. I had to do a little referee-ing, but all in all it was the boys' project.

They could not keep their hands off it!

Thanks mystery giver... we loved it!

Catching up on…. “Before we left Provo”

Before we left Provo my boys got really into building forts, or “forks” as Brock liked to call them. I am the one who started it. I loved forts as a child and find them very “boyish” and currently I am in love with anything “boy”. Everyday since Brock wants to build a “fork”. At first I just put a blanket over a corner where my couch and rocking chair met, and they thought it was great. Brock put pillows on the ground to make doors and Noah would knock to get let in.

Then one day I made the mistake of making a giant fort using our whole living room and every blanket and sheet we owned. I moved the couches to make tunnels and even got out the duck tape. Now we have to go all out everytime.

Lesson learned: keep things simple until they figure out it could be better.

Provo

I am leaving Provo in two days. About 2 years ago I wrote this post in my head and it was full of snooty comments, untamed excitement, and a lot of exclamation points containing promises of "never to return". But I have found myself overly emotional this past week, quite sad I am leaving, and actually more in denial than I even thought possible.

On Wednesday morning I will wake up with the boys, have a normal morning in my completely functional/NOTHING packed apartment. I will take the diaper bag and the boys and leave my apartment and drive up to my parents house in Salt Lake - just like I have done millions of times. Only this time I will never come back. Jason will come home from work Wednesday night and spend the rest of the weekend packing, moving, and cleaning. (Full disclosure: I actually just teared up thinking about it.) To think that I will close the door on my fully furnished normal apartment is... sad. I do get terribly sentimental about stuff like this. To know that this is the apartment where we brought our first two children home from the hospital to; all of the time spent here learning how to be a mom, and a wife for that matter -and now that part is over. Provo is where we were engaged, our first home, our first... everything - we have been here for 5 years - longer than we thought. But I think that has made it better.

To be honest most of what I am most sentimental about is the last year or so. The first 3 and a half years were expected and welcomed. We had a lot of friends, support, and a plan. We knew we would be here for a while and we made the best of it. If we were to have moved when all of our friends did and when we had expected I don't think it would have been as hard. But the last year and a half has been hard. I have been completely alone with my 2 very young boys. And despite my efforts to complain and be negative - I was forced to make the best of it - for my boys sake. Almost everyday this past summer was spent just the 3 of us wondering around Provo/BYU campus. We played in the parking lot, went to the duckpond, the library, the park, the pool, the temple, Provo Canyon, watched tennis matches, etc. It was just the three of us, and while at the time I was aching for another mom to be with us so I had someone to talk to - looking back I realize that those moments are some of my most precious mothering memories. I think sometimes with all of the distractions of playgroups and other moms (while definitely needed) - the sweet tender moments of your young children gets hurried by.

"They" say these years will pass quickly (being a young mother with young children), and I attest that they do, but I am glad to say that I have soaked up every single moment. This is a new chapter in our life - and although I have been DYING to start it for what seems like forever, now that it is here - a part of me wants to hold onto our simple little apartment and would be quite happy to spend another summer with my 2 favorite people at the duck pond and Exchange Park.

Then I think about that blasted Fourth of July crap and know I would scream if I had to spend one more summer here. Yes I am a little bi-polar right now... and pregnant :)

Traditional Roles

Jason does so much for me and the family. He really helps keep things running around here. I often like to call him my "stage crew" or "the behind the scenes manager". Pretty self explanatory - he just does a lot of the little jobs that help keep the house/family running smooth. ex: Refills (laundry detergent, flour, diapers, wipes, sippy cups, diaper bag, my water bottle - all these things have "bulk" packages and then containers for everyday use), if he notices the laundry needs to be changed or folded he does it without me saying a word, he cleans up dinner every night, whenever we are going somewhere he makes sure everything is packed in the diaper bag and loads everything into the car and when we get home he unpacks everything and puts it away, he makes the bed on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and cleans up the living room every night after we put the kids down to bed. And now that we are moving he says that he wants me and the boys to go to my parents house for a few days while he packs up the WHOLE apartment and cleans it - I don't have to do anything! However the reason for this post is not to brag about what an awesome husband I have, although I definitely could!! It is to talk about why this extra help makes me very uncomfortable.

I mostly contribute Jason's helpfulness to the example his father gave. Randy (Jason's dad) and Debbie (Jason's mom) do a lot of things out of "team work", I have never really noticed much of "women's work" or "a man's work" around their house or from stories of them growing up. Debbie tells stories of how everytime a baby woke up in the night Randy would get the baby, change the diaper (or pj's and sheets if needed) and then bring the baby to Debbie to feed and then he would put the baby back to bed. Almost all of the dinners they make they both make together and when building a new house or landscaping a yard - Debbie is right along side Randy putting up dry-wall or hauling dirt around the backyard, and on the other side I usually see Randy being the one to vacuum or do the dishes after dinner. Everything is pretty much done together. While my parents are still a "team" things were done very traditionally in my family. My mom did everything around the house: the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, decorating, taking care of the kids. While my dad was in charge of the "man stuff": work (making money), all car repair and needs, yard work, fixing up the house, "honey-do" list, etc. They both played their roles almost flawlessly, in my opinion, and without any conflict, they just seemed to know what was expected of them. Oh, sure -they would ALWAYS help one another if it was asked of them, I have seen my mom mow lawns and my dad can cook us dinner, and often did Sunday morning breakfast - and they were both very involved with our lives - but even that was divided - my dad did all the outdoors stuff with us - coached our sport teams, taught us to ride bikes, took us hiking and camping, and also helped us with our homework and big school projects, while my mom did all the carpooling, fun things with our friends, and was more in charge of our day-to-day upbringing.

So, my point is, after this introspective look into our upbringing I have figured out why, when tonight I was doing a load of laundry and saw that my container had been refilled (after I had been putting it off the last 3 loads), my first reaction was to fill so guilty that he felt like he HAD to do that for me. To be honest, that whole first paragraph of the post, was really hard for me to write and admit that he actually does all that stuff for me- because it makes me feel like I am not an adequate housewife - if my mom didn't need help with all that stuff - neither do I...right?? I recognize how silly that is and how blessed I am that Jason does all that stuff around that house - why would I ever complain??? I know he doesn't do it because HE thinks I am inadequate and that I OBVIOUSLY need the help, he does it because he sees that it needs to be done, and so he does it - it doesn't occur to him, that it is "my job" - and even if it does - he is just doing it to be nice.

Despite all his help, our goal is the same - and we do like to stay within our "traditional" roles - because that is what makes each of us happy and fulfilled. But sometimes when I think I have my whole day together - I have been the "perfect mother" and "perfect wife" and doing all my "duties" flawlessly and then Jason comes home from work and does something really "mean" like change Noah's diaper or or clean out a pan that I had left to soak - I naturally think to myself "did he do that because he thinks that I wasn't going to or that my life is so crazy and unorganized that I really needed the help." I know that is an INSANE way to think and I know that is NOT what he is thinking - but still that is my initial reaction. And the truth is, I do need that help, and even if I don't NEED it, I definitely WANT it. So why the embarrassment? Why the guilt? When I know that he was happy to do it and I am happy to receive it?

Despite knowing this - still I cringe - I cringe every time Jason goes to work with a shirt that is not ironed (FYI: they are wrinkle free shirts - but still...), I cringe when I go into get the laundry and it is already folded and put away, and I cringe every time he is the one who puts my keys on the key ring and my shoes in the shoe basket. But immediately following that cringe - is the overwhelming sense of gratitude - and how happy I am that we have found a balance that works for US - despite our different upbringings.

Funny story: Jason and I started dating when we were 16 - most people thought we were silly for falling in love so young. Anyways... about a year after we were married I was throwing a wedding shower for a friend at my mom's house. Coincidentally, my mom was also throwing a shower for a girl in her ward that same night- but using a friends house. It was about an hour before both of our showers started and we were both running around, a little stressed, trying to get everything done. Jason was doing a bunch of things to help me out - each time he was done with one of his "jobs" - he would come back and say, "what can I do now". At the end of the night I over hear my mom say to my older sister, "We all thought Jamie was crazy for dating Jason so young and no one else, but she did it right, she got him young and trained him to be exactly what she wanted... he was running around helping her while my husband was watching tv." (To be fair, my mom never asked for help) I did feel a sense of pride hearing her say that... but to be honest I think his parents had more to do with it than me... I just keep expecting it and he keeps doing it.

What does this look like to you?

If you answered, "Like a family out celebrating something" - you are absolutely right! (Look...we even got an appetizer - we have NEVER gotten an appetizer).

That is right - Jason got and accepted a job offer in South Jordan. When it came down to it he actually had 2 companies bidding for him. This new development also came with a decision to move to Salt Lake and buy a house - asap! So I have spent the last 2 weeks with a realtor trying to find our 'dream home' - at a good price of coarse. The current plan is to work and be in the house for about 2 years and then Jason will go get his Masters (hopefully out of state). We are thrilled and nervous about all of these recent new decisions. Life seemed a lot easier when we had no decisions - as we fret over all these changes we have to remind ourselves that we prayed for this. I am so proud of Jason - he has worked so hard and we are grateful for this wonderful opportunity we have been given.

RANDOMNESS:
I have some random things I have wanted to blog about for the last few weeks, but never got around to it - so here you go.

• Provo is practically pleasant during the Christmas break.
• Noah talks a bunch - it is funny because you will miss it unless you REALLY take the time to listen to him - it all just sounds like babble. But he is talking in FULL sentences - you just have to stop and listen. (EX: "I want to go to Chuck-E Cheese", "I need more milk." "Time to go outside", and "Put on my shoes") Of coarse each word is really just a vowel sound and a consonant here or there - but if you listen you will hear it.
• From my previous "Mothering Style" post I have done some soul searching and discovered that I have stifled Brock's independence in an effort to keep my day smooth, productive, and organized. I have repented and am trying desperately to calm down a little and be the type of mom I REALLY want to be. My degree is in Early Childhood Education for crying out loud - I know better! I just lost my footing for a while. But with number 3 on the way I am really going to need Brock to put on his own shoes, get in and out of his car seat, and wash his own hands.
• Special K with Red Berries has become a new staple in my day. It has always been one of my favorites - and indulgence only enjoyed at my mom's house because it is so dang expensive. But Macey's had it on sale for $1.50 and I bought 5. I have gone through a box almost every other day. I am on my last box and I am in mourning.
• Ever since Noah stopped taking his morning nap (about a month ago) I have had a lot of trouble getting my mornings together. I was having a hard time just "plowing through", all the getting ready, cleaning, eating, etc with 2 toddlers and no break. By 10:30 I was flustered and frustrated - and so were the boys. But this week I think we have figured it out. I have to shower before Noah wakes up and I have to use their breakfast time more efficiently.
• When your baby goes from two naps a day to one nap a day - it is a sad time. And although it is sad - it has been welcomed around here. It is nice being able to just get up and go and not have to worry about being home until lunch time. Our outings are a lot more fun and productive.
• I realized that I just have 8 more weeks of church until Noah is in nursery. I haven't not had a baby with me in church for 3 years. I got really excited. Then I realized that I would only be alone for about 7 weeks (and one of those is General Conference) before our little girl came. Oh well... there will be a season in my life for perfect church attendance, thoughtfully partaking of the sacrament, and attentively listening and participating in gospel lessons, but this is not it.
• The next season of The Biggest Loser just started and I am having a hard time getting into it - which is making me sad. I really love the show - but for some reason none of the contestants are really standing out to me. It is all kind of just - Blah.
• I am really wondering if anyone is still reading this these are my thoughts and I am pretty bored.
• I am still kind of in shock that we are having a girl - but am getting really excited - I have embraced the idea. But a whole separate post on that is coming.