Faith

Warning - this is a negative post, as I am in a negative mood - just trying to stay true to myself.

There is a scripture (don't want to find the reference right now) that says something to the affect of "quench not the spirit". When you re in a very faithful/spiritual period in your life you may wonder, as I have, "who would quench the spirit? Why would you ever not want the spirit to speak to you?" Well I am beginning to understand why the warning is given, because right now I know I am quenching the spirit - and willingly too. (Just to make things clear.)

For me I have found that the desire comes when I feel like I have been betrayed by the spirit. Without getting into too much personal detail - When, after prayers, study, fasting, temple going, obedience, and a lot of pondering, I feel as though I have had an actual conversation with my Heavenly Father, and I know EXACTLY what he wants me to do, I know what the terms are, I know what the blessings are, I know what has lead me up to this point, I have received answers to my prayers, and I just know. And this knowledge gets reconfirmed time and time again. And then... nothing. I don't get it, I don't get the blessing I thought for sure I was going to get, I don't get the opportunity I felt was right, and I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and I feel completely betrayed. I am left wondering, "what happened? Where did I go wrong? Did I actually feel the spirit prompting me to do those things or was it just thoughts of a "frenzied mind"? Do I even know what the spirit feels like? Have I ever known? Does Heavenly Father even listen? or answer?" The answer to my questions are always yes, which I think is worse. To know that I really did feel the spirit and it really did speak to me and it really did tell me to do that thing - but I was just not going to get the blessing I thought I was going to get. Then I just feel lied to and betrayed.

So today, as I have been asking myself these questions and trying to figure it out, I have felt the spirit try to tell me (what I already know), that God does love me, that he is aware of me, that he has a plan for me, and that everything will work out for my good on His time. But you know what? I do not want to hear that right now, for now I just want to be mad and say, "what the heck! We had a deal." I guess I want to "quench the spirit."

I am fully aware that this attitude will get me no where, so please NO comments about it - I just wanted to vent for a minute.

Told you it would be negative.