Pictures

I finally went and got the boy's pictures taken at JC Penny's - they are fast and cheap (notice how I didn't say good!) It was supposed to be Brock's two-year-old pictures and I got some taken of Noah just because we were there.

The photographer was HORRIBLE! He was this 18 year old boy that stood there holding the camera and said, "Brock, stand on the X, fold your arms, look at me and smile." I said, "um... two year olds don't really respond to that kind of direction, how about we do _____?" He kept saying, "I don't know, we don't really do that kind of stuff." I was so frustrate I was almost in tears. Brock is so dang cute (I think) and it broke my heart not to get a good two year old picture. Since it was HIS photo shoot I got one for free.

This was the best... lame!

I got two of them together - he wanted Brock to hold Noah for the pose... um... no. Hello - Noah crawls, Brock is 2. That would not work. I had to pose them and get them to look and smile. Pathetic - there is a reason I have not jumped on the "momphotog" bandwagon.

On the other hand I got some good ones of Noah, so I feel bad being so negative. Except for he didn't get any of Noah smiling - which he smiles ALL THE TIME - so... come on! And these weren't even Noah's pictures. But they were pretty precious so I had to get some.

I complained after to the manager (which I normally NEVER do - I usually very passive) - and she was like, "oh I am sorry that is too bad."

My wife

This is Jason, Jamie's wife. I rarely check her blog; usually to make sure she isn't giving away too much important information. I'm positive this is the only post I'll ever make on it and she doesn't know I'm doing this so please don't tell her. I simply needed to make everyone aware of how much I love and respect everything that she does for me.


My wife is everyting I wish I was and certainly the only good thing about me. We only have two things in common, our fierce independence and an ability to talk about the gospel. Dispite the lack of mutual interests she always makes time for me to engage in my hobbies and always finds the courage to engage in her's independent of my support, for which I am sorry. She is more intelligent than she gives herself credit for and usually wins all of our gospel discussions. She is kind and thoughful of others. She is constantly giving of herself and I can't ever recall one complaint she may bear consistently, or any complaint for that matter.


She raises two extrememly energic boys pretty much by herself. I don't get home unitl 5 and they go to bed at 8. Add some time for dinner and it should be obvious that I only have enough time to teach them bad habits like hitting each other or tripping each other. My boys are clean and healthy. They are obedient and extremely smart. They love to read books and sing songs and are so friendly with everyone. She has done all of this while making sure they get exposed to the outside world through walks and duck pond trips and journeys up the canyon. They can tell you stories about the gospel and know how to take the sacrament. One of Brock's favorite books is the bible and he often wants to read scriptures. She is the best mother I could want for my children.


I am a difficult man to live with. I am extremely intelligent and worse, I know it. I am independent and stubborn. I am also commonly angry about something or someone. Dispite all this, she loves me. I honestly feel her love and know that is supports me. To think someone as precious and important as her could love someone as insignificant and recluse as me gives me hope and a conviction to do better. She is everything I am not and everything Christ wants from us. As many have read she is wiling to admit her shortcomings and as she didn't post, her loss of faith in the face of our trials is never as severe as she claims. She is strong like Oak and nobly erect in the face of the destroyer. I know I married up and I'm constantly afraid that my good fortune hinders her; like I stole her away from a much better man who has many more important things to do and could have used her support and love for better things.


The truth is I needed her more. She is everything to me. I'm so afraid she'll wake up one day and realize she can do better. Her love has seen me through my darkest days. I can not remember life before her and I do not want to think of a life without her. The friends and family who read this blog are lucky to know her and have her in their lives. She is a well of compassion, strength, and clean living. A true friend in a societal sea of deceit and banalities. I am forever blessed to have this time with her. I miss her when she is gone from me. I am more at peace when she is with me. I love her and I hope that you do too because she is special. Once in a lifetime moment special. A breeze that comforts you; a warmth you internalize rather than just feel before it moves on into another fleeting moment. I love her.

Some humble pie

"The trial of faith basically serves four functions. 1) it determines if a goal you are seeking is truly a desire; 2)it lets you learn if you are really dedicated to the Lord; 3)it is a means of purging you so that you become clean; pure, and spotless - literally free from blood and sins of the world; and 4) it humbles you and brings you to the realization that you cannot rely on the "arm of the flesh."

- Drawing on the Powers of Heaven

Grant Von Harrison

I actually own this book but have not read it in years - and then this quote was quoted in Sacrament meeting - wow - guess I failed that trial of my faith. Good thing for repentance... right!

I know it is sometimes hard to see the forest through the trees - but I always knew the forest was there. For those of you wondering (and could not read into my sarcasm), I never really lost my faith, I thought I made that clear. I have always known everything would turn out ok - but sometimes I just want it on my timeline and not the Lords - big mistake. I hope I am not the only one that falls into that trap sometimes?? It is funny writing these two blog posts while simultaneously my friend Ashley is writing post about her undying faith in her Heavenly Father - as he has recently asked them to go through hard trials. She has always amazed me and continues too. On any other given week I could pronounce the same undying faith - but I guess on weeks like this is when it really counts.

I am disappointed in myself that I gave into my self-indulgence to accuse my Heavenly Father of not caring or not keeping his promises - nothing could be further from the truth. I had mistakenly thought that I had had my trial of faith and that I was awaiting the blessings that follow - so when they did not come- I thought I was abandoned... not realizing it was another trial of my faith, and I am sure there will be another and another and yet another - until I get it right. And for that I am grateful; he lets us continue to try... how merciful, because I sure deserve to be "struck down."

So here is the summery: I know Heavenly Father lives, I know he loves me, I know he has a plan for me, I know his plan will ultimately lead to happiness, I know he listens to me and cares about me, and is involved in my life. I am just not sure what that plan is, I am not sure if his plan is the same as my plan, and I am currently nervous that there are a lot more bumps in the rode before we get the the aforementioned "happiness". But that is what life is right?

Faith

Warning - this is a negative post, as I am in a negative mood - just trying to stay true to myself.

There is a scripture (don't want to find the reference right now) that says something to the affect of "quench not the spirit". When you re in a very faithful/spiritual period in your life you may wonder, as I have, "who would quench the spirit? Why would you ever not want the spirit to speak to you?" Well I am beginning to understand why the warning is given, because right now I know I am quenching the spirit - and willingly too. (Just to make things clear.)

For me I have found that the desire comes when I feel like I have been betrayed by the spirit. Without getting into too much personal detail - When, after prayers, study, fasting, temple going, obedience, and a lot of pondering, I feel as though I have had an actual conversation with my Heavenly Father, and I know EXACTLY what he wants me to do, I know what the terms are, I know what the blessings are, I know what has lead me up to this point, I have received answers to my prayers, and I just know. And this knowledge gets reconfirmed time and time again. And then... nothing. I don't get it, I don't get the blessing I thought for sure I was going to get, I don't get the opportunity I felt was right, and I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and I feel completely betrayed. I am left wondering, "what happened? Where did I go wrong? Did I actually feel the spirit prompting me to do those things or was it just thoughts of a "frenzied mind"? Do I even know what the spirit feels like? Have I ever known? Does Heavenly Father even listen? or answer?" The answer to my questions are always yes, which I think is worse. To know that I really did feel the spirit and it really did speak to me and it really did tell me to do that thing - but I was just not going to get the blessing I thought I was going to get. Then I just feel lied to and betrayed.

So today, as I have been asking myself these questions and trying to figure it out, I have felt the spirit try to tell me (what I already know), that God does love me, that he is aware of me, that he has a plan for me, and that everything will work out for my good on His time. But you know what? I do not want to hear that right now, for now I just want to be mad and say, "what the heck! We had a deal." I guess I want to "quench the spirit."

I am fully aware that this attitude will get me no where, so please NO comments about it - I just wanted to vent for a minute.

Told you it would be negative.

Corinne and Brooke

Corinne and her little baby Brooke came for a quick visit from Seattle. She was Jason's best friend in elementary and Jr. High, then when Jason and I started dating in high school I took her over and she became my friend (although her and Jason are still close), then her and her husband moved into our building in Provo after they got married. We were sad when they moved to Seattle, but were glad she could come visit.

We could not get a good picture of Brooke and Noah. They are 6 months apart but will be in the same grade in school.

Play Group

My friend Karli does a play group once a week. It is funny because there are 4 or 5 women/mothers in the group and the ONLY connection we all have is that we all know Karli some how. There is Karli, Me - a childhood friend, Rachel - a friend from Karli's nursing school, Sundie - a friend from their Salt Lake ward, and then a friend or 2 from her current ward. But now we are all good friends and it is so fun to get together every week.

I know I have mentioned on my blog before about how amazing Karli is and how much I look up to her and try to emulate her. I have been thinking about her life lately and would just like to outline it for you (I hope you don't mind Kar). She has 2 kids and is pregnant with her 3rd (she will have 3, 3 and under), her husband is in law school, she works full time as a nurse, she is in the primary presidency, she organizes a play group every week, I know she cooks dinner most (if not all) nights, her house is always clean, her kids are always behaved and super smart, I know she always does her VT and reads her scriptures and goes to the temple, she does individual scrapbooks for each of her kids and she is all caught up, she actively works on her food storage and emergency preparedness plans (updating, going to the cannery, etc), she often organizes scrapbook nights, they often have other couples over for game nights where she always has dessert prepared, and she does way fun activities for her kids everyday. And she does all this seemingly easily and happily. I am really not exaggerating on any of these points - I am always telling myself, "Karli could do it".


Anyway, that was my long intro for this way fun activity she had last week (did I mention she was leaving for Lake Powell the next morning, her daugther was throwing up, and someone forgot the slip'n slide - so she just "whipped one up").

Farm Country

It was our first visit to Farm Country this summer at Thanksgiving Point - we went with a play group. Brock loved riding the pony this year - he talks about it almost every day now. Noah loved all the animals and wanted to pet all of them. Brock, was of coarse, more cautious and just wanted to observe the animals - all the other kids were feeding them corn, Brock was a little too nervous.

The kids in the play group.

A little too friendly

There was a cow at Farm Country that had some boundary issues.
Payton Bell
He just loved Noah's feet




Noah got brave enough to pet it - he actually tried to pet every animal - he is fearless!

You may be wondering why I was just taking pictures and not stopping the cow from attacking my baby. Well... I thought it was cute and funny, and so did Noah - so I let it ride.

Mother's Group

Our ward kind of has a mothers group. For the last little while I have been the only mother with a toddler and/or with 2 kids - so there hasn't really been a need for one. But some of the "babies" of the ward are growing up so this last week the leader planned a pool party. It was fun, and it was nice to get together with some other mother's and children in the ward.

Noah and Brock really couldn't be more different on how they approach activities, toys, and especially water. Brock is very cautious with everything, he likes to observe for about 15 minutes before he ever participates in something - and if it makes loud noises or quick movements, well.... you can just forget it. Brock plays "appropriately" with water. He will stand in it, maybe sit, and lightly splash. Noah, on the other hand, dives right into any activity - he loves to explore and investigate - especially when it comes to water. Noah does not mind getting splashed in the face, he actually quite likes it, and is always up for a dip in the pool. He seems to be a lot more adventurous and has a "loving life" kind of attitude.

My new favorite place

Last year Brock and I went to Bridal Veil Falls a few times - but we never made it up to the actual Falls because I assumed that it would be dangerous and not worth the trip - so we always just stayed down on the trial and threw rocks into the river. Boy did we miss out on some fun! Last week we went all the way up to the falls and it was so great. It has the cutest little pond with really slow shallow water with a TON a perfect throwing rocks. We have been up about 4 times since then.

Brock showing off his rocks!


Isn't that a great expression on Noah?!?




When I first put Noah down he of coarse ate all the rocks - but after seeing Brock throwing the rocks he felt inspired. He threw more rocks than Brock. He would get so excited to see them go into the river - he would scream and shake his hands with excitement every time!

Happy Fourth of July

Not a very exciting one for us - but it was nice to just relax and have Jason home for Friday.

undeserving

Jason is under a lot of stress right now and has been for the last little while. Things have not been turning out the way he/we had hoped with his job and he is having to make a lot of crucial decisions. All of these things have been weighing on him. With all of this going on I have to admit I have not been a very good wife. I am embarrassed to say that for the past few weeks I have been quite demanding, whiny, complainy, cynical, argumentative, and sometimes flat out selfish. And what does Jason bring me home last week?

These.



I couldn't believe it. I KNEW how undeserving I was. It was embarrassing to even except them. I told him that wives like me did not deserve roses like that and that he should give them to me when I start acting the part. He, of coarse, completely disagreed with the fact that I had been a bad wife and told me how wonderful and supportive I was, and how I deserved these flowers. It was a very humbling day to say the least.

The worst part is I still find myself being negative and unsupportive the last few days - why?? When did I get such a quick tongue and negative attitude? I need help.

Brock still loves to give Noah balls

Noah did not like it so much.

Rainy Days

We had a lot of rainy days in June. Noah loves to be on the balcony - as soon as he sees the door open he drops what ever he is playing with and bolts for the door. If you close it before he gets to it or if you pick him up - he starts screaming - actual tears and everything - it is quite the show.

It is strange seeing your second child wear clothes that your first wore. It literally seems like just yesterday Brock wore this hat and jacket.

Have I mentioned my kids just love sitting on the porch - we need to move to the south.

Have you ever seen as sweeter boy?

Provo Carnival

There was a carnival in Provo a few weeks ago. We went because I thought Brock would have fun. The jury is still out.

Brock is pretty sensitive when it comes to loud noises or moving attractions. He scares very easy; but he wants to be a big boy and he wants to act tough. Every ride he said he wanted to go on, "ride horsey", "ride apple", ride car" - but then EVERY SINGLE ride, as soon as we got on it he would freak out and say "off", "off", "off". I obviously don't want to traumatize the kid, so I have to ask the attendant to stop it to let us off. But then after we got off he would say proudly, "I rode horsey" or "I rode apple."

Sure you did Brock, sure you did.

This picture basically sums it up.

Follow-up

Note: Scroll down and read my previous post before reading this one to get full understanding

After I posted about my best 'good day' - I thought - I wonder if I blogged about it when it happened. I checked my blog archives - and sure enough I did. It is funny - I wrote almost the same thing. If you really want to see it you can click Here and scroll down a little. Or read below for the jist. (the link does have more fun information if any of you really care :)

"Some of my most favorite moments with Brock is sitting on a blanket sharing a picnic lunch. He holds the sandwich and he shares with me. It is so cute. He takes a bite, then he gives me a bite, and so forth. We just sit there for about 20 minutes sharing the lunch and "talking" - the other day we were doing this and I thought to myself - "you are my best friend" - I don't know if that is sad or not :) But I just have so much fun with him, how could he not be!"

haha - at least I am honest and consistent

My best 'good day'

After my previous post last night I started thinking more about 'good days', and I mentioned that I could not capture the emotion in a picture. Than I remembered my best 'good day'. This is a day that I will always remember as complete and utter pure joy. It was July 2008, Brock was 15 months old and I was about 7 months pregnant with Noah. We went up to Sundance with a picnic lunch to escape the heat. Nothing grand happened to make it the most perfect wonderful day of mothering. Brock and I just sat on a blanket under a big tree right next to the river- there was a nice cool breeze and no other people around - we just heard birds and the sound of the river. Brock was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and was kindly sharing it with me - one bite for him one bit for me. He has always been such a good boy - happy just to sit and spend time with me. It is weird to think back to the days before he could talk because I feel like we sat on that blanket and talked for hours. Truly no words were exchanged, but we definelty heard one another. We were just playing, eating, and laughing - I remember vividly looking at him and thinking "you are my best friend". I still feel that way (I am torn between if that is endearing or pathetic?) I don't even really remember having my camera that day or wanting to take a picture to 'capture the moment' - but on his second birthday I was going through his pictures and found this and immediately all those emotions of that 'perfect day' stirred inside of me. This is MY picture of Brock - this is how I will always remember him.

Good Days

You know those days when everything just seems perfect? There are times when I am playing with the boys, usually just simple stuff: reading books, building with blocks, playing in the parking lot, and my heart just swells with joy and happiness and I think to myself, "This is a good day." It is those moments that make all the other moments worth it; when you just want to stop time and pray that this moment will last forever.

I actually am blessed to say I have more "good days" than not. It actually takes quite a lot of "stars aligning" to make a good day. The formula usually consists of this: all three waking up early and happy, a good breakfast, cleaning up breakfast as soon as it is over, getting to the gym by 7:50 am - but before leaving for the gym the house is clean, my bed is made, and the boys are both dressed for the day, Noah goes down for a nap right after the gym, I take a shower and get ready while Brock plays, Brock and I pray and read scriptures, the house is again cleaned and I have the diaper bag packed and ready to go out for an activity by the time Noah wakes up around 10:30. If all those things get done, or at least a majority of them, I know it is going to be a "good day". And some days none of those things get done, and they are definitely "bad days" - on those days I usually give up and say, "I will start over again tomorrow, we will just make the best of today." Then we head outside so I don't have to face my messy house.

But back to the good days. This day was an exceptionally good day. So good infact I tried to capture my feeling with photos - of coarse it did not work - I don't think you can capture that feeling - but at least I tried.

We were down in our parking lot...

Noah was playing on his blanket...

and I got the hose out for Brock - he likes to take his animals swimming and throw rocks in our make-shift river. (This is actually a daily set up for us)

Yes, it was a good day.