Current life

 *This post is written about today about today.  So not about summer - which is what I am currently blogging about. 

I hate my blog.  I do it because I want to have done it. I am insanely proud of myself for having blogged almost every 3 days of my entire mothering life. Turning them into books has been such a treasure.  I owe all the credit to my mom for my blog.  I had no vision or goals to keep up a blog when I started.  I started because it was the “cool” thing to do in 2007. Then one day my mom said to me “I wish I had kept a day to day journal when my kids were young.  I forgot everything and I wish I could remember the little things, or even how we managed.”  I remember deciding in that moment that k would blog about our day to day life.  I have kept that goal.  However I feel like I am no longer capturing our day to day life. I feel like it is so boring. It is more like a (local) travel log.  I wrote literally the exact same posts every year “swimmming”. “Around teh house” “fall break” “temple trips” school performances” “soccer” “outings” etc. I am chronically 6 months behind so when I do blog about it I forget the emotion.  I also need to protect the privacy of my older kids now. 

But I *think* I might start a goal (successful goals always start with wording like that!)  to blog everyday before bed about that day.  Maybe. 

Today was a good day.  I was almost 100% better from my weekend cold and I don’t remember my foot hurting really.   It is fall break and I am trying hard not to annoy my older kids by talking to them too much.  Haha.  But really, they are like wild animals, sometimes my suggestions or requests are fine and other times… it’s too much.  I don’t 100% know how they feel about me or if they will look back on their childhood with good memories. 5 years ago I felt confident the loved me, liked me, and had very wonderfully happy childhoods.  Now… I know nothing.  I am pretty sure I am to intense for the and they find me useful but controlling.  🤷‍♀️. I try not to get overly concerned about it, but it is hard not to.  Anyways in my ideal world I want to do all these activities with them, but I am lucky if I get 1.  I also have a MILLION jobs I need them to do.  I had dreams of what having 4 teenagers would be like. I thought they would do so much for me.  I have some of the best, capable, kind, willing, hard working teens I know and I just can’t get them to help.  Reasons?: they are busy.  They do SO MUCH day to day stuff for me (babysitting, clean up dinner every night, clean up the whole house every night, etc that I hate to ask them to also weed.  I don’t want our relationship to devolve into me asking them to do things.  Like everytime I talk to them I am asking them to do something.  I don’t want everytime they are home to be put to work.  But I also want to spend time with them. I genuinely love being with them.  I think they are so funny, some are truly witty. Tonight we finally had time, and everyone was home, to play a family game.  We played rummycube. It was the best.  Because of the pace of the game we got to talk a lot, but about nothing in particular.  I also went to the taylor swift concert movie with M&M during naps.  That was way more fun than I expected.  It made me sad we didn’t go to the concert.  In the day to day moments I don’t regret not doing all the fun things everyone else does. We don’t have the time or money.  I believe we have different values and we use our resources on what matters most.  My decisions to not do ALL THE THINGS are intentional.  But every once in a while I look back and realize that I missed opportunities because I did the easy thing.  Our money is best sprang creating memories.  And while I reject the notion I have to spend a lot of money to have a good relationship with my kids.  I can see that it sure does help.