The Herberts: Guilt

Monday, October 27, 2008

Guilt

I feel so guilty when Noah is all happy and wide awake and I set him down to do something for Brock (change a diaper, get a meal), today it was get him lunch, and I come back to get Noah and he has fallen asleep.

I HATE that - it is like he gave up on me. It truly makes me want to cry.

1 comment:

Kacie said...: You are such a good mom. I bet Brock loved the attention even if you couldn't give it to Noah at the time! I bet it is hard to divide your attention and love between 2 such cute boys!; October 29, 2008 at 8:52 AM

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Documentaries everyone should watch

IOUSA - Best one yet. If you really want to understand the rhetoric going on in Washington right now, watch this - although it is several years old. If anyone knows of a current one - send it my way.
Forks Over Knives - Great documentary about food and will get you thinking about it in a whole new way
Walmart: The High Cost of Low Prices - Only see this one if you want to feel guilty about shopping at Walmart. I did - and now I do. But worth it.
Berynsky - About a new kind of cancer treatment. Trust me - it's better than it sounds.
Killer at Large: Why Obesity is America's Greatest Threat - Skip the first 30 - 40 minutes, then it gets really good.
Inside Iraq - After a million Iraq documentaries - this one is the best one. I thought it was very factual rather than partisan
Loose Change 9/11 - Conspiracy documentary - but its worth your hour and a half to get you to think outside the box.

Simple things that make me happy

2021 - The older kids naturally take care of Dane, with out being asked. When they get out of the car someone will unbuckle him and get him out and help him into the house, when we get in the car someone will naturally buckle him in, when we have dinner someone will naturally put him in his booster and put his bib on him.
2021 - I LOVE the hot sun. I love just laying on my floor when the sun is coming through the window, I love getting into a hot car in the middle of July, I love sitting outside with the sun beating down on me. I love it.
2021 - I love driving my kids around. I especially love driving them to school in the morning. We get to chat for a bit, it is some quiet time just with them, we usually listen to a conference talk and pray, it always makes me feel good.
2020 - watching Noah play with Eve. Noah loves babies in a different way than the others. When we decided to have more kids Noah was a big factor and everytime I see him with her I am reminded that this was the right thing to do.
2020 - Noah has started doing magic. I LOVE it. I have always loved watching Noah work on his "little things" and I just love watching him do his magic tricks.
2020 - No matter how bad I sleep, or what kind of night I have (whether pregnant or newborn) I wake up naturally at 6:00 full of energy and ready to start the day! I start to crash around 2 pm.
2020 - I never had spitty-uppy babies. I am so grateful for that!
2020 - I love that some of my kids can sit shot gun. It makes me feel like another adult is in the car with me. We have quiet conversations, tell jokes, and sing. I love it.
2020 - I love that Jason is working from home. I am so grateful for his unemployment a few years ago that allowed me to adjust my attitude and enjoy having him home. If I were trying to go through that along with all the kids being home and remote learning things would be so much harder. But now it is such a joy to have him home and I hope he never goes back to work.
2020 - I love taking a bunch of neighborhood kids with me where ever we go. To live my "fullest life" I would need a 16 passenger van. I just LOVE letting everyone jump in and having 15 or so kids with us on our outings.
2020 - I have learned how to have the Holy Ghost always with me and how to recognize and follow his promptings everyday. It has been such a blessing.
2020 - Facemasks keep my face warm!!
2020 - Everytime I am done with a blog book. And everytime one comes in the mail. And everytime I see one of my kids (or Jason) reading it.
2020 - Everytime Dane calls one of the kids by there nick names - Noah-boo or Megan-bug
2020 - Dane sings to himself. All our kids sang a little bit - but Dane is a singer.
2020 - Dane is currently repeating syllables in words, like cere-er-eal or letter factor-actory.
2020 - When I am at the park with just Dane or Dane and Eve and people assume Dane is my oldest and I tell them I have 6. It is my favorite thing!!!! I love their face, the awkward pause, the next sentence - it is always different... trying to find something to say. I find it all hilarious.
2019 - Watching my big kids take care of Dane. They love him so much and take such good care of him. It feels as though my mamma-heart will burst!
2019 - Taking Brock to Middle School. I thought I would hate having to leave early to take him. But I look forward to our drive together every morning - just the 2 of us. Also - he rides his scooter home. I love that he gets home first and that he roams the neighborhood and takes different routes each time.
2019 - Having Dane sleep in our closest. I love having him so close. Sometimes I am just overjoyed thinking about how I have this little baby in our closet.
2018 - When they were little, no matter how hard the day was or how short the nap was, when ever I walked into their room and saw them in their crib after waking up from a nap I instantly got a hormone rush of pure joy and happiness... every time. I get that same feeling when I pick them up from school - watching them walk towards the car. It is the exact same feeling - I realize how much I missed them and I can't wait to be with them again.
2018 - Talking to Noah about his comic or oragami - or what ever his new obsession is that week.
2018 - Having a yummy lunch waiting for me in the fridge.
2018 - Anytime my older kids are talking about the excitement of having a baby. Or when one of them asks how the baby is or how I am doing. All the fear of having another baby leaves and I am reminded of why we made this decision.
2017 - watching my sprinklers water my plants and grass - I like to watch the cycles and fiddle with the heads.
2017 - Watching my kids do what they love. Sometimes it feels like my heart might burst watching them play a sport or instrument or even playing with some toys or reading a book.
2017 - the moment a fresh raspberry hits my tongue I am instantly a child again eating raspberries at my grandparents house out in their garden. It is weird that my brain goes there - I had raspberry bushes all growing up and ate WAY more in my own garden then my grandparents, and I have eaten millions more raspberries in other situations - but for some reason my mind is instantly taken back to that moment.
2017 - Tending to my garden. (flowers - not vegetable)
2017 - sitting in my front porch chair, reading a book, while my kids play in the front yard.
2017 - playing catch (baseball) with my kids. I really enjoyed softball as a kid and am thinking of joining a league next year
2017 - Listening to NPR - it has become my new obsession
2017 - Finishing the Ensign before the next month comes.
2016 - waking up to Noah Practicing the piano - it just makes everything feel right. Actually even just having a piano in our home - it makes it feel like a real home. I love sitting down on Sundays and trying to learn a new hymn.
2016 - I love making things from scratch. I have discovered it is a true hobby - not something that I HAVE to do. I am so happy when I make yogurt, or bread, or granola bars. To be honest it is sometimes hard to WANT to do it - but once I get started I love doing it.
2016 - I have started doing family history. I have really loved it. This is not simple - but it makes me very happy
2016 - I have learned to love gardening - flower gardening anyways. I wish I had the money to spend on flowers, for now I just cultivate what I have (even though I don't like it). But I get a great sense of accomplishment after I give my front yard flower bed a good weeding.
2016 - Having my preschool all set up the night before preschool. I love having all the centers set up and imagining the children discovering the next morning.
2016 - After reading all the Narnia books as a family Megan has decided that she lives in Narnia. Her stories and experiences are so real and full of detail. I am starting to think she is actually visiting Narnia.
2015 - When Jason smiles.
2015 - Watching my children play in the backyard. I also love watching them play and laugh together.
2015 - Walmart to go!
2015 - Organizing the Legos. I kind of have an obsession with organizing Noah's Legos into categories. I find myself accidentally spending hours on it instead of making dinner or cleaning.
2015 - Having girls night with my neighborhood women.
2014 - Watching Noah crate with Legos. He has really gotten into it and is always working on something. Or I love finding his little creations all over the house when I am cleaning. It always puts a smile on my face.
2014 - walking through our "dining room"/play room and seeing Madisons dolls all "taken care of". Either tucked into their cribs - swaddled and with a stuffed animal or sitting in their highchair with a bib and a plate of food.
2014 - Our house has lots of big windows and lots of light. It is good for my soul.
2014 - Downton Abbey. I am always in a good mood after watching it.
2013 (Denver) - watching the squirrels play around in our trees.
2013 - When the blossmos on my pear trees finally make their arrival.
2013 - Watering my flower bed early in the morning or late in the evening - it is so peaceful and relaxing.
2013 - Watching the fish Brock got for his birthday. I have strong desires for those fish to have a happy life. I find myself just watching them.
2013 - Watching Madison play kitchen. She is so thorough - she even "washes and dries" her dishes when she is done and puts them all away. I often stop making dinner to watch her play in her kitchen.
2013 - Watching Brock run from the car to the back of the school to line up for school. He runs with intense determination and it always makes me smile.
2013 - The two times a year we really clean the inside of our cars (and by "we" I totally mean Jason)
2013 - The day after I do my big monthly shopping trip.
2013 - Seeing other women pregnant - don't really know why yet - it just makes me happy. Maybe just knowing that someone else gets to have a baby.
2013 - I think I may have just changed my life. I just worte up a whole new schedule for our days and posted it up on our wall. Color cordinated and everything. I have high hopes.
2013 - Having alone time with Noah everyday while the girls nap and Brock is at Kidnergarten. I have never had alone time on a consistant basis - our relationship is awesome now and I totally get him. It makes all the difference!
2013 - Driving in the car with all of my kids. LOVE seeing their faces in the rear view mirror.
2012 - When a diaper works the way it is supposed to
2012 - The sound of my children playing together. Whether it is just laughing or some elaborate imaginary play. I stop what I am doing all the time and just watch and listen.
2012 - The fact that everything my boys do is "awesome" - every move they make comes with a sound effect and super hero moves. They don't just run or walk any where, they are shooting webs, or repulsor rays or attempting some cool super hero stunt.
2012 - Looking in my rear view mirror and seeing all my kids
2012 - EVERYNIGHT after I get Madison to bed I make myself some sort of decadant dessert. It is my reward - and I plan all day what I am going to make and eat - it helps me get through the hard times. If I wasn't mormon I would be one of those mom's that has wine everynight. My brownie sunday is my escape.
2012 - A baby holding tight to my clothes while nurse. I could die!
2011 - When I have ice cream in my fridge. I actually don't eat it often - it just makes me happy to know it is there.
2011 - When I decide not to sweep my floor becasue it doesn't look too bad - and then I do sweep it and there is a ton of food. I feel so satisfied that it actually DID get swept up.
2011 - The fact that I can vacuum my whole house with out having to change the cord to a new outlet.
2011 - Specail K with Red Berries on sale for $1.50 a box!
2011 - My tv shows: Parenthood, the Good Wife, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, and The Marriage Ref
2011 - I love seeing kids, tweens, and teenagers walking around neighborhoods in groups. It always puts a smile on my face because it reminds me of my childhood. And I feel better about the status in the world when children can be outside unsupervised.
2011 - I love love love going out to lunch. I don't really ever get to go - nor have I ever. I could count the number of times I go to lunch in a year on one hand. But every once in a while I go out with my family or friends - and it is my favorite thing. I love to eat out - and I find that I like "lunching" best. One fine day I imagine that my children will all be in school and we will have loads of money and I can spend my afternoons "doing lunch" with old friends. My treat of course!
2010 - Watching Noah "drive" little cars around the house. They drive on the walls, on the counters, and bookshelves, it is so cute - I could just sit and watch him do it forever.
2010 - Today (three days after giving birth) Brcok said to me, "Mom your tummy is all gone" I told him he should say that to every mom that has a new baby.
2010 - New anything. If I get anything new - even if it is like a dollar, I feel like my whole world has changed. I got 3 new shirts from Khols on Saturday ($9 total) - and my whole outlook on life has changed. I haven't had anything new to wear in a few years - so it is thrilling!
2010 - Megan is loving her saucer right now. I love when I am doing the dishes and I here music from her saucer - it instantly makes me smile becasue I know she just pushed a button. So cute!
2010 - Little things about my house make me so happy. Walking downstairs and seeing my kitchen counter, pulling into my garage, blossoms on my trees, opening my blinds in the morning to let in light, hearing my children play in the backyard.
2010 - Finding rocks, sticks, leaves, or berries (from the Jones' tree) in my washer. (Brock has discoverd his pockets.) It reminds me of the joy that is boys.
2010 - Doing laundry in my laundry room. I actually get excited about the laundry now!
2009 - When my kids are the first ones at the gym's daycare - I feel a little pride about getting up and to the gym before ALL the other mom's.
2009 - When Jason calls me a REALLY cheesy pet name like, "sugar plum" or "cupcake". (terrible - I know - but it always gives me butterflies)
2009 - When I take the time and effort to make me a great/healthy lunch on my OWN plate and I don't just eat the leftovers from whatever Brock did not eat off of his plate.
2009 - When I get ALL of the laundry done (folded and put away) all in one day.
2009 - The boys are now sharing a bedroom. I love when I hear them "talking" to eachother - even if they are supposed to be sleeping. It makes me feel like it is building a foundation for their friendship.
2009 - Sometimes after Brock is done playing with a toy (like blocks, cars, or his animals) when he is done he will put them all back in their container, put the container back in the cupboard, and shut the door before he gets out his next toy - all without me saying anything.
2009 - Putting in the numbers to our excel spreadsheet budget. I love to budget!
2009 - My new kick is M&M cookies - far superior to chocolate chip cookies.
2009 - If Brock eats EVERYTHING I gave him for that meal.
2009 - Hearing Noah babble. Oh...just thinking aobut it makes me giddy
2009 - Eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream while I watch the Biggest Loser.
2009 - Crossing a page off my scrappbooking list. (Or crossing ANYTHING off ANY of my lists (thanks Kar for getting me in the habbit of making lists :) )
2009 - Comments on my posts
2009 - Brock recently started to tell me that my dinners are "balicious" - it thrills me everytime
2008 - Whenever I hear Brock. Especially when he wakes up from sleeping. I will be cleaning or getting ready or something and I hear "ba ba ba" - I instantly smile!
2008 - When I find a random toy in a random place. Like a ball in my laundry or a car in my kitchen drawer.
2008 - When I am baking and I can easily use only one measuring cup and measuring spoon. Like my chocolate chip cookie recipe - I can make it only having to dirty a 1/2 cup, a 1/2 tsp, a butter knife, a spatula, the mixing bowl, and the mixing blade.
2008 - Just looking into Noah's eyes makes my heart swell.
2008 - I love when dinner is completely ready as soon as Jason comes home from work - I feel so successful!
2008 - Every time Brock flips through a book by himself and pretends to read.
2022 - anytime any of my four older kids spend anytime together.
2022 - I LOVE going to parent teacher conferences, or anytime I get to talk to any of my kids' teachers. I used to hate PTC, I would go out to the car and cry. But now... but now! it is wonderful. Especially for the boys. It is like a 2 hour gush fest on my boys. They love them. They see and acknowledge their weaknesses, but they recognize their strengths are so much greater. It is wonderful! Some of the best 8 hours of the year (1 hour per kid usually, twice a year))
2022 - I absolutely love being a stay at home mom. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the opportunity Jason and the Lord has given me. It is the best job in the world. It is incredibly hard, but I am humbled to be able to try and do it.
2022- watching my teenagers personalities come out. This has been so fun. Noah is such a delight. He always has something to talk about and share. He cares about what you care about and will talk about any topic, and if he doesnt know something you ask he will do research. He is also very kind and empathetic. Madison is becoming SO funny. She has a great whit about her and good timing. As with most teenagers, it is getting a tad too sarcastic and cutting, but hopefully she will balance out. Those are just a few examples. This is fun to watch!
2023 - I am going through a whole self discovery and it is great. Scary, but great. Getting older has been awesome and I am realizing things I never noticed about myself. It is pretty great.
2023 - I have learned (see previous example) that I love when Jason is in charge. When he takes the lead. When he "tells me what to do" (gasp). Even when I don't get my way, or what I want. It makes me push beyond my self centered life, it helps me learn patience, and more often than not, I end up seeing that Jason had the better idea. I never knew that I resisted it and that I needed it (our whole family needed it) This also makes me "happy" for repentance and forgiveness.
2023 - Brock having his license. The whole thing. I love his independence and sense of self. I love that he just goes and drives around. I love that he can get himself places and pick up food for himself and run errands for himself. And, of course, that he can run errands for me!
2023 - I really enjoy teaching my teenagers to drive. I find it so fun
2023 - My teenagers are so funny. Like genuinely funny. They have good timing and witty humor.
2023 - Heavenly father talks to my kids. I DON'T have to tell them everything!!! It is amazing! He will talk to them and they will listen!

Simple things that make me angry/frustrated/sad

2022 - I didn't understand how much puberty would change my children's faces. I was emotionally ready for them to turn from babies to infants to toddlers to kids to tweens. But from tween to teen!! ... it was like a death. Their faces fundamentally changed and I didn't see that coming. It really breaks my heart.
2022 - I am just realizing how young my kids were in 2017/2018 when Jason was laid off and Dane was born. At the time I thought they were big, in my minds eye I thought they were big. Only now I look back at pictures and see that they were still babies themselves. I regret not realizing that. I don't regret anything that we did or the way I treated them. I just wish I knew how little they really were
2021 - When people put their 18 months old in day care and call it preschool. If they are not 3 or 4 and it is more than 3 days a week for 2 -4 hours a time it is DAYCARE NOT PRESCHOOL. I don't care that they put their kids in daycare, just admit that. This isn't my soapbox, I studies early childhood education in college, there is a definition for preschool and a definition for day care.
2020- My kids are really into the game "Among Us", they talk about it a lot. EVERYTIME I sing "oooh, I believe there are angels among us." I sing it a hundred times a day. I can't stop.
2020 - the older my kids get the less I can buy things second hand. We are going to need to triple or quadruple our clothing budget in the next 2 years. It might break my heart
2020 - The fact the American flags have a connotation of racism right now. Many Trump supporters have started putting American flags on their pick-up trucks. These people are often also racists. It is sad.
2020 - Life is good until I need to change out my kids (and now babies) clothes. It is so overwhelming and is like a 20- step process and takes about 2 weeks (if I am fast at it).
2020 - It has been 6 months since covid and I still can't get rubbing alcohol - I need it for my DIY cleaning.
2020 - it can take me 45 - 60 minutes just to check Brock's schooling to make sure it is done. It is pretty ridiculous.
2020 - I HATE buying things on Amazon. I try SO HARD not too. I will go to 2 or 3 stores looking for an item before I buy it there. I will pay more for it at a brick and mortar store. What I hate MORE is feeling good that I bought something from Walmart instead of Amazon. That is pretty sad.
2020 - I don't hate a lot of people. But I HATE the congressman who moved daylight savings time back. I love daylight savings time and I hate that it got pushed to November. I LOVE waking up at 6 am to the sun.
2020 - Brock doesn't want to play soccer anymore :(
2020 - a 15 passenger van wont fit in our garage. I could live my best life if I had a 15 passenger van
2019 - Like most people I get frustrated with Congressional overreach - but I think was need a law that all newborn clothes need that hand covers that can be opened or closed. I mean - who makes newborn jammies and doesn't add that? :)
2018 - When a child says their room is clean and they REALLY believe it and it SO ISN"T!
2018 - I HATE that I have to call the school to tell them my kids is going to be absent. I get the logic - but I strongly feel like it is non of their business. I cold care less if an absent is excused or not and I don't think I should have to give a reason why they are absent. But I even resent having to tell them they are absent. It is pretty illogical - I know
2017 - There is no anger in the world like trying to put snow gloves on a child.
2017 - It took 13 years of marriage but I am now officially OVER broken down, second hand stuff. I have never ever bought a piece of furniture or a decoration for my home at a store - on purpose. Our whole house is given to us or from craigs list. EVERYTHING is broken. Nothing matches. Nothing is my style. It didn't bother me for 13 years becasue it was a sign of our thriftiness and responsibility. Now it just makes me feel mad and annoyed. Other women have nice stuff... why can't I have nice stuff?
2016 -Going to one of those "sales" parties (Mary Kay, Usborne Books, etc) and NOT having good food. Those things are hard enough - the least you can do is feed me - I am ONLY here to support you as a friend!
2016 - When I get behind on the news. It is very important to me that I watch the news everyday (NBC Nightly News) and if I get behind then I will catch up and watch a weeks worth of old news. It is kind of an obsession.
2016 - Almost all my "shows" have ended in the past, well, 5 years. And I haven't really replaced them. First 30 rock, then How I met your Mother, then Parenthood, then The Daily Show (most sad about), then Downton Abbey, and now The Good Wife. I am kind of purposefully not replacing them - I got into so many while I was pregnant (read: not DOING anything at nights) and nursing babies. I assumed I would get hobbies and get more done if I wasn't watching shows - but I just fall asleep watching NBC Nightly News at 8:45. Boo.
2015 - Snow plows that drive around with out the snow plow thing down!
2015 - All of the rules during recess at my boys school. I want to homeschool for that reason alone. No picking up snow! Only swinging with your bum on the swing facing the school! No climbing to the top of the jungle gym ladder! No sitting on top of the monkey bars! There is a picnic table that they are not allowed to even go by.
2014 - It has been 6 months since I have moved and if I think about my old backyard for more than 1 minute I am in tears. REAL tears. It was the heart of our home. I feel like our heart is gone. And i haven't even been here for a summer yet - I am in trouble.
2013 - When I think that we are FINALLY all ready for the day and everything on my "list" is done - and then I see my girls with their ratty hair and realize I STILL have to do their hair.
2013 - When I talk myself into "sleeping in" - I always regret it.
2013 - When I read the lesson for Relief Society and I get there and they are on a different lesson - BUT THE SCHEDULE SAID I was right!
2013 - The day before my big monthly shopping trip.
2013 - Ironing Jason's pants for work - trying to have the crease be perfectly down the middle and getting it right on every time. Super lame!
2013 - I have spent at least 10 years peeling potatoes and have never peeled off skin from my finger. I have done it now three times in the last 2 weeks to the point of drawing blood. What gives?
2013 - It is really hard to shuffle Candy Land cards!
2012 - Whinning. I don't even know if that is how you spell it. But it makes me crazy!
2012 - Taking 45 minutes to vacuum my whole house - I mean REALLY vacuum my house, only at the end to find out my filter was open the whole time and everything just fell out the back of my vacuum.
2012 - I got released from young womens. So so sad. My new calling is Cub Scout Master. Trying to get excited. Almost there. Just not the same.
2012 - Days that I have to wash my hair.
2012 - Children who obey their father more than me - or are perfect for baby sitters and then start whinning and fighting the moment I walk through the door
2012 - buying bandaids. there are like a million to chose from and I never end up getting the ones I wanted - I stand there for like 20 minutes, picking up each box, trying to pick the right ones. I never do.
2012 - Babies who think they can grow up.
2011 - When Jason says, "why did you let (insert kids name) do that?" Meaning mess something up or break something. I know he doesn't mean it the way it sounds (I hope) - but I am like "let them? You think I let them? I can't keep an eye on them 100% of the time - it just happened and he just did it - I didn't LET him."
2011 - Um... All THREE of my children were up by 6:15 AM - hard start to a day
2011 - The fact that I have been trying for over a week to think of something to put in my sidebar (confessions, happiness, or anger one) that has NOTHING to do with children, husband, or general house wife responsibilities and I can not come up with anything! (part of me could put this in my "things that make me happy" category, but when it boils down it is pathetic and this stage will end someday and there needs to be a ME left. So it goes in the anger category)
2011 - Sweeping up scrambled eggs and peas. They won't sweep right and just fall apart and get stuck in my broom
2011 - Not so simple - but I am updating our families 72 hour kits - and of course - I am planning for worst case scenarios. It is emotionally taxing. Imagining, "if we had to leave our home and had nothing, out in the "wilderness" what could I bring to provide my children with some comfort?" I get emotional thinking about my little children having to go through something like that. Then the pressure is on me to pack the "perfect 72 hour kit". I want it to have everything we would NEED and then anything to help my children emotionally through the process. I pray we never use these.
2011 - I hate my winter-non-pregnant wardrobe with a passion. I have only 3 shirts in it that I have bought post-highschool.
2011 - I HATE folding whites - HATE IT!
2011 - I decided to do my Monday cleaning in my favorite pair of maternity pajama capri's. I LOVE them. And guess who spilled bleach on them. That's right... I did. SO MAD. I don't think I can go the rest of this pregnancy with out them, but do I really go buy another pair for just a few more weeks (or maybe days)?
2010 - This morning all three kids seemed to be sleeping in, so I decided to jump in the shower to get a head start of the day - I got out of the shower to all three of them screaming - not a good start to the day.
2010 - The end of summer. The more I live the more I HATE the cold. The thought of snow coming soon makes me very depressed
2010 - I have two neighbors that have have dogs - and I HATE them. They bark all the time - it has made me hate dogs - or at least dog owners. I am ready to write a nasty letter. I found out they can get a fine... do I want to be "that person"... I am starting to think so.
2010 - I have discovered that when you have three kids you have to let your 3 day old baby cry sometimes. I remember after I had Brock wondering how ANY parent could let a brand new baby cry without stopping ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to help them
2010 - Children that won't nap. This pushes my buttons more than ANYTHING. I can go from 0 to 60 in 1 second when a tired child refuses to nap.
2010 - Anyone who has spent a night with me knows I HATE ticking clocks, or any sort of constant repetitous noise. The vent next to our bed makes a constant ticking noise. I am considering selling our house.
2009 - When just ONE type of silverware is all dirty - but the dishwasher is not full. So all my spoons are gone - do I take them out of the dishwasher and wash them all by hand? Do I start the half-full dishwasher? Do I make-due without spoons? Do I use plastic spoons? AHH
2009 - It makes me sad to eat the last cookie. Because then they are gone... and I can't eat any more cookies. Sometimes it will take me days to eat the last cookie (then usually Jason eats it while I am waiting - that makes me really sad).
2009 - I go absolutely crazy two minutes before nap time - that is not fair... Brock goes crazy two minutes before nap time - and I easily get angry with him. He gets so silly and squirmy - he won't go potty, he won't wash his hands, he won't get in bed, he just laughs and sings silly song - and I find it VERY annoying! I often lose my temper with him - and it is JUST for those two stupid minutes.
2009 - I get so frustrated when I make dinner (especially what I think is a good dinner - that took a lot of time and preparation) and Brock and Noah won't eat it. When that happens I can't even deal with it. I tell Jason that he either needs to convince them to eat it or he has to make something they will eat - because I have "washed my hands" of the situation!
2009 - For some reason I feel entitled to have the only parking space in our complex that has shade (Lived here the longest, home all day, has 2 kids, etc) and I get really annoyed when someone else parks in it.

Confessions

2023 - I rarely think negatively about other people - especially parents. And I rarely feel like I am better than other people. Except when it comes to one thing. Tech outside the home. I can say this with 100% confidence with ALL my 6 children I have NEVER EVER given them my phone, tablet, pod, pad, or laptop to play with outside my home. Not in the car, not the dr, not a soccer game, not church, not another child's performance, not when we were waiting for a long time, not on a plane, nothing. And every time I see a mom do it I want to go tell her how horrible it is. Not that IT is necessarily horrible, but the missed opportunity to learn to be quiet, or frustrated, or even to learn it isn't all about them right now is so important. So my confession is that in those moments I think "I am the best mom!" ha
2023 - After 18 years of marriage I think we just figured it out.
2022 - we have recently done some house remodeling. I have always said we can't have nice stuff becasue the kids will ruin it, but the truth is, I am the one that mostly ruins it. I won't go into detail, but it is true.
2022 - I would LOVE to have hidden cameras all over my house so I can watch my parenting and my day and then analyze it with professionals so they can tell me what I am doing wrong and how to fix it (in all areas: time management, house chores, parenting, being a good wife, being loving and nurturing, etc)
2022 - I hope my kids get married young. I hope they are all still in college or just a year or two off their missions. I really don't think you are ever too young.
2022 - I don't belong in this generation of parents. I don't really care if my kids get hurt. Most parents and teachers spend time telling kids not to do things because they "might get hurt". I really don't care if my kids get hurt. I really don't care if they even brake something. THEY can and should not choose to do something because THEY don't want to get hurt, and I am happy to tell them what they are doing is dangerous and they might get hurt. But rarely do I stop them. I also don't base parenting decisions on "they could die". I just don't think that is a good way to live. This seems to be the number one motivating factor for parents of my generation JUST keeping them alive. That is like number 10 on my list.
2021 - It is a Saturday and I am meeting a friend (Krista) for dinner (first time since I had Eve I think) and so I was putting on make-up and Dane said, "are we going to church?" BECAUSE I ONLY wear make-up when we go to church!! So sad... stupid covid... I have lowered my standards so much!
2021 - I am loving Brock as a teenager. Why this is a confession is because I am loving his snarky attitude. I know I am not supposed to, but I find it hilarious. He makes snarky, sarcastic, negative comments under his breath about people, the world, or situations and they are so funny. This is especially true when we are driving and he is riding shotgun. I try hard not to laugh and encourage him, but he has a very funny sense of humor.
2021 - For about a year I have really wanted to learn how to correctly use "to" and "too" in all situations. I know I don't use them correctly and I am often embarrassed by it.
2020- I had to completely block Facebook from our home internet. I couldn't stop looking at it. For all the reasons I didn't have it when my other kids were little. It is a way to "check out" and a false sense of connection - it feels so good the first 10 seconds - then worse. And also because there are people on there that I love, but seeing them on Facebook makes me hate them, and I don't want to hate them.
2020 - My favorite things to talk about are politics and religion.
2020 - I would love to be forced back into quarantine. It sounds wonderful!
2020 - I truly have mouse PTSD. EVERYTIME i go in my basement and round the corner to the storage room (which is a hundred times a day I look for a mouse. EVERYTIME I see something small and black on the ground I think it is mouse poo - no matter how illogical. I live in constant anxiety that there are mice in my house - constant. That can't be healthy. It was over 3 years ago that we had mice.
2020 - I only wear a mask to be obedient and compliant. I do not believe they work and are probably more dangerous - probably because a month ago the CDC said they dont work and are probably more dangerous!
2020 - I have a conference talk obsession. I started listening to conference talks about 3 years ago when I would clean up my preschool and get ready for the next day. I started in 1984 - I am currently on 1999. I listen when I clean, cook, drive, get ready, etc. I have collected all my favorites so far and I listen to them all the time. They bring peace to my soul. Currently there are about 280 favorites. They are all part of me. I may have a problem.
2020 - I don't know what a "kahoot" is. But my kids do them all the time
2020 - I am not a very giving self-sacrificing kind of mom when it comes to food. I am in other ways. But I don't share my treats with my kids. They are mine. ha
2020 - I am killing it at the new Children and youth program. When I am with other mom's sometimes we talk about it and everyone says, "we arent' doing anything" and I dont say anything because I don't want to sound like I am bragging.
2020 - I am having a hard time "fasting" (I am pregnant), praying and having faith to end the pandemic. I quite like it. I know it is so selfish because Jason is still getting paid and no one is sick. We are in the most blessed and ideal situation. I recognize this and am so grateful and feel for those who aren't. But honestly - I would love for this to last well into the summer. I love having all of us home. Some days are hard. But not really, and I even like the hard. I like figuring it out and trying again tomorrow.
2020 - I actually love the idea of polygamy and would happily take on another wife. Families would honestly run best with 2 wives and 1 husband.
2020 - Having these 2 more babies made us better more babies made us better, more intentional parents. I think we would totally be phoning it in at this point if we had stayed with the 4. Now when the babies are in bed or napping we make sure to spend time with the other 4. It just makes everything intentional
2020 - Facemasks are not so bad when you are not pregnant. Facemasks started when I was about 7 months pregnant. I couldn't breath. I wondered why we weren't rioting in the streets - how could they expect us to do this? Who ever becomes a doctor? Turns out they are not so bad. ha
2020 - 90% of the reason I go to things (church activities, receptions, showers, MLM parties, etc) is to eat the dessert. True story. (its probably more like 95%)
2019 - Sometimes I spend WAY TOO long watching Dane sleep on his video monitor.
2019 - some days are a mess. Some days rock. Most are neither. Or start one way and end another. Today I woke up, exercised, ministered, took noah to therapy, went on 6 mile bike ride with kids, took girls to harry potter camp, had morning devotional with kids, read my scriptures, and made baby food for Dane - all before 11:30.
2019 - If I need to get stuff done around the house I turn on conference talks. I enjoy listening to old conference talks (I am on April of '94 right now) but also the spirit tells me to listen to the current session most often. I spend most of my days with conference talks on in the back ground.
2018 - This is sort of a weird confession - but it is something not a lot of people know about me, but is none-the-less, true. I LOVE the scriptures. Like almost obsessively. I have made charts, maps, time lines, and indexes for my own study. I have also been working for 6 years on memorizing every chapter in the Book of Mormon. My kids flip through the scriptures read a verse and I try to tell that what book and chapter it is. That is my idea of a great Friday night!
2017 - Jason does our laundry. He has been doing it for 3 years now. I feel like by admitting this I am somehow less of a woman/house wife. I sometimes try and keep it a secret. But he does it and I love him for it, and he deserves the credit. He is so fast and efficiant and remembers to change the loads. He does it every saturday and is done with everything (washed, dried, folded, hung, and sorted by family member) in just a few hours.
2017 - It has taken me a few years to decide - and I needed to be several years removed from it - but I now officially know that I struggle the most with the 3 - 9 month baby stage. This is most parents favorite stage. But it is my least favorite. In fact that stage kind of gives me anxiety.
2017 - One of the worst things about living away from family is that almost my whole diet consists of food I made. With a large extened family living close by I often ate wonderful meals cooked by other people (farewells, blessings, parties, not to mention my moms house!). It is sad.
2016 - If you REALLY know me than you would know that the nicest thing you can do for me is give me dessert. I missed a RS dinner once because I was sick and my friend brought me the dessert after - I felt SO LOVED - like she really knows me.
2016 - If I could guarantee twin boys I would get pregnant again.
2016 - I watch NBC Nightly News every. single. night. Literally. Like if I can't and miss a couple days I will spend hours watching old news just to catch up. Everyone who knows thinks I am CRAZY but I kind of love it and look forward to it everyday.
2016 - I hope to never serve in the primary
2016 - I am the worst at planning my kids birthday parties - I have never ever planned one even a week in advanced - I always send out some lame email about how I have to "hurry" and have the party tomorrow and can your child please come - but it is all a lie - I just never planned it. I think they are all catching on though, since I do it with every child every year. I am the worst!
2015 If you bring me cookies or brownies or something like that and you bring enough to share with my family.... than you don't know me at all!
2015 I would really like to have 6 kids. But when I pray about it I get the answer that we shouldn't.
2015 I am "that mom" who doesn't buy school pictures or sport pictures or back to school clothes.
2015 I almost wanted to cry when Brock decided not to play soccer this fall and flag football instead. It kind of broke my heart.
2015 I took a magazine to the pool today. First time I have ever brought something to read while I was out playing with my kids. I couldn't decide if I felt guilty or liberated. The truth is the last few time we have gone they just play so well by themselves I have found myself being bored. I read for about 45 minutes - than got in and played with them. One day I assume we will go to the pool and will not even have to wear my swim suit.
2014 It feels like the older my kids get the more I have. I thought as they got older things would get easier (i.e taking them to the grocery store). It has gotten harder. A lot harder.
2013 Madison threw up on me. I cleaned her off and whiped off my shirt with the same rag with the intention of going and changing it after I got everything else cleaned up. Then I forgot and went to the library and the store. This was a white shirt with redish brown throw up. Talk about "letting yourself go". haha
2013 I do not really know what a 'hashtag' means - and I don't really want you to explain it to me.
2013 I desperately want to homeschool. I hope one day I can.
2013 I am watching Downton Abbey and if I got to choose I would rather be one of the 'house maids' than one of the rich people. That looks like a much better life.
2013 Brock can beat me at everything athletic even when I am trying 100%. He can run faster then me, shoot better baskets, and is way better at soccer. I am not sure when that happened.
2012 We got an air conditioner. I am struggling with the adjustment. I have lived without one for 8 years. I feel that living in comfort all the time seems too... entitled. Shouldn't I suffer a little? Who am I to always be comfortable?
2012 Unloading the dishwasher is actually chore I put off as long as possible - but when I finally DO unload it if feel a distinct sense of running my household, serving my family, and day to day accomplishment, every time!
2012 I really have no idea what I am doing.
2012 I hadn't swept my floor in a while - I hadn't needed too - it just seemed to not get crumbs. I wasn't vacuuming as much either. I was impressed, thought my kids must be eating cleaner. Then I realized I have a new vacuum...a crawling baby. It is embarrassing to admit - but I am sure my lack of crumbs are an essential part of her caloric intake.
2012 I can not just build a simple train track for my kids. When they want to play with trains I think, "I will just build a quick easy one so they can start playing"... an hour later I am still building - I get so into it and want to build the "coolest one ever" - it is kind of an addiction.
2012 I analyze the kid's tv shows. They drive me crazy. I think to myself "that's so dumb, Spiderman wouldn't really do that" or "what are the chances that would happen" - I remind myself they are written for 5 year olds and try to move on. Then I am just sad about my pathetic state of my life analyzing World Word and Thomas.
2012 Every night at exactly 6:30 I look at the state of myo house, my children, and dinner and I realize I can not make it to 8:00 (bed time) alone. I go thtough my options on who I should call to help. I never end up calling anyone and we always make it to bed tome in one piece - but ever y night at exactly 6:30 I have the same melt down again.
2012 Even the most disciplined, responsible, thrifty, budget oriented people can overspend when given a wind fall.
2011 When we are at the store and we get samples - I always grab 3. I make the boys share one and I eat 2.
2011 We lost Megan's sippy cup in our house about 2 months ago. The confession - it was full of milk! She was carrying it around drinking it, and I never saw it agian. We have searched and searched. I now pray we never find it and that she threw it in the garbage.
2011 My weekly Monday cleanings have turned into every other Monday cleanings. Not on purpose - but probably for like the past 6 weeks it just can't get done every week (sickness, activity, appointment etc) and I swear up and down I will do it Monday night or on Tuesday and I NEVER have. It just waits until the next Monday. I hate it. When I did it once a week I felt like I kept a clean house clean. But this every other week thing - I feel like every other Monday I am making a dirty house clean agian. I have got to get back on schedule.
2011 I was really out of my comfort zone having my fourth child before my best friend Karli. She has done everything before me (college, marriage, children, home ownership, mini van purchase etc) Her three kids are about as close as mine - but she took a break after three. She has been my example for all my major life mile stones - and I was really nervous about doing something without first knowing the ropes from Karli
2011 I hope to one day be able to say that I love the book of 2nd Nephi. Right now it is something to get through - has a few good verses - but it is a hard book. I know that it is wonderful and has some amazing deep doctrine, and is very plain and simple to "someone with the spirit of prophecy". I truly hope to say one day, my favorite book is Second Nephi - but for now I am happy just to read it and move on.
2011 I am still too scared to go into a dark bathroom - even for one second - I MUST turn the light on. When I was in the first grade I did Bloody Mary in the girls bathroom during recess, still proobably one of the most frightening expierences of my life.
2011 I am doing a March Maddness with my Young Women. We are supposed to read the whole Book of Mormon in the month of March. To be honest when I put my name on the list of people commiting to do it - I did it knowing I would give it my best effort - but knew I couldn't possibly keep up. Well - we are almost half way done and I have kept up! I am disappointed I didn't even believe in myself.
2010 While I was making dinner the boys were playing in the backyard. Brock was just wearing underwear and a t-shirt and Noah was just wearing a onesie. I kept trying to make time to go outside and make them get dressed and put shoes on - but then I decided it was pretty great :)
2010 We often go to fast food play areas during "non-peak" times. Usually we are the only ones there. And when that is the case, I get in and crawl around with my kids. Seven months pregnant and all!
2010 We had FHE under our swamp cooler yesterday - man it is getting hot!
2010 We go through 4 gallons a milk a week. Two gallons of 1% for me and Jason and two gallons of Whole milk for the boys. I think we have issues.
2010 Sometimes I find myself missing Provo...gasp
2010 Since I know that we are moving - I have no motivation to do ANY housework. Things are getting pretty bad - but I just think, "I am going to have to clean it really good in 2 weeks - why clean it now." Bad thought, I really need to clean!
2010 I have two new favorite shows, "The Good Wife" and "The Marriage Ref". The Marriage Ref is SO funny - I don't laugh out loud a lot - but I do for this show.
2010 I desperately want a calling in my ward - a really good one too. I would love to HAVE to use my talents on something else other than mothering. If I had a "good/busy" calling, it would make me get out of the house, interact with women in my ward, and maybe give me projects to work on at night. I know this sounds crazy, like I don't have the time right now. But if was my calling I would have to make time.
2010 For the last 3 weeks I have not been able to get Jason's work clothes ironed. For the life of me I can not find the time (well... I guess I could be doing it now). That has been the one thing that I have not been able to find time to do.
2010 Chores I put off doing as long as possible - unloading the dishwasher, putting laundry away, and cleaning up the bathroom after baths.
2009 Today Brock and I made cupcakes and I have eaten 10 of them already.
2009 Noah doesn't like it when I eat chocolate - but I still eat it if it is something really worth it. Does that make me a bad mom?
2009 My dream calling in church is to be stake girls camp director! On a lower scale - as soon as I move into a family ward my dream calling would be Young Women's Personal Progress Advisor! yea!
2009 Jason had a stick in his hand that had a piece of hair on it, when I saw this I immediately took it out of his hand and threw it. He asked why I did that, I said, "it had a hair." He was like, "What the crap, I am a grown man and you just treated me like a child." HAHA - you are so right, when I saw that stick with the gross hair I just reacted like I would if he were one of the boys - oops.
2009 I put Brock's shoes on the wrong feet at least once a day.
2009 I just figured out that for the last few meals I have been giving Brock sour milk to drink - and he drank it! And this wasn't just sour milk - it was starting to curdle - ok maybe I shouldn't confess this.
2009 I am terrible at calling people back. I have every intention - I want to do it when the timing is perfect and I can devote 100% of my attention to them. Either this timing never happens or I forget that I am supposed to call someone back. I feel this is one of my biggest faults and am always setting goals to change - I find it to be horrible rude and inconsiderate, and that is NOT what I want to be. I love these people and REALLY REALLY do want to call them back and talk to them.
2009 During my last post I totally forgot how to spell 'loud' - I spelled it: lowd, loude, lowde, and lowed - I couldn't figure it out - I actually had to look it up before I figured out the right spelling.
2009 Brock really wanted to go to they gym - but I did not want to work out - so I took them to the gyms day care and sat in the locker room and made our dinner menu for the next 2 weeks and a shopping list. Is that a misuse of the gyms day care? ;)
2009 Brock and I make cookies or cupcakes at least twice a week. We make them together and then we bake one pan and he gets to eat one - I then hide the rest of the dough or batter and bake them when he is asleep. I hide the cookies or cupcakes and eat the rest myself. I don't do this so he eats healthy, I do this because I want all the cookies.

The Herberts

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Guilt

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