On Sunday night I kind of had a moment. I asked Jason for a blessing. In the blessing he spoke a lot about control and my issues with control. I was perplexed with the blessing. It was not really what I was expecting. I am naturally a really controlling mom. The thought of sending Brock to school next year is sending me over the edge. The thought of losing that control drives me crazy. I assumed that the blessing was about giving up control issues I have with my kids - but I didn't think that was my problem - because I hardly had time to spend with them to control them anyways(haha). Today I got the answer to my prayer.
background:
I have secretly been having a hard time since Madison was born. When I say secretly I really mean that - I would not even admit it to myself. When we decided to get pregnant with our fourth I thought that if was consciously going to have 4 in 4 years - I better be able to do it - and do it well. I put a lot of pressure on myself. I didn't want to let anything go. I was going to still have a clean house, dinners made, daily outings, kids ready and dressed every day, Megan's hair always cute, and I would always shower with hair and make-up done. Why would I put all that pressure on myself? I didn't do all of that when I had no kids, or just one kid... why did I think I had to do all that with 4 kids. Crazily enough I actually did all that. I kept up. But something was missing. Joy.
I love being a mom - I seriously love it. I love love having these young kids at home. When I had Brock and Noah and was living in Provo those boys were my whole life. I took advantage of every moment and lived every moment in the moment with them. For the last year I lost that. I had been trying for the last few weeks to find it again. But at the end of the day, I just could never find the time. Everything seemed to be slipping through my hands.
So back to my answer. I have to let go of everything else. I realized that when I look back on these years I will mostly remember having a clean house, dinner made, and being frustrated with my kids most of the time. Forget it. I don't want those memories. I want to just be with my kids. All day. So I am going to let go. Forget what everyone else thinks about me or my family or "how I am doing", forget about my expectations, and just enjoy this last year with all my kids at home. I will miss these days so much one day - and I want to be able to look back knowing that I spent them right.
So three months after having my baby I am going to start my post-partum days over and let myself off the hook for a while. There will be days when the dishes don't get done, or days when we are all still in our pj's when Jason gets home, and I am looking forward to it.
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9 comments:
I'm proud of you. You can still be a perfect Mom and not have "the list" done everyday. Love ya!
I can understand that you wanted everything to be in its place and have things be put together with 4 children. At the end of the day, sometimes it is easier to see what I got done by looking at my house instead of what I did with/for my kids. I appreciate your thoughts and need to remember to take advantage of my time with my kids.
I second what Karen said, and I LOVE you and your mom stories and posts. I think that you help out so many of your mom friends by being candid and honest. At least I know it helps me! And I only have 1.9 kids. Hopefully really really soon (as in I would be so happy in the next week or two) I'll have 2 kids :)
PS I can't believe that Brock is going to school next year. That much time can't have passed--no way!
Hi! I've been wanting to comment for awhile now. I'm Katie's friend Lacy Sylvia. I read your blog a lot because I can relate to the madness of having kids close together and all very young. And I totally relate to this post. I also want my house clean and organized ALL the time, and it almost always is. I have a husband who sounds a lot like yours...we parent as a team, and after 5pm we both share responsibility for EVERYTHING (which is why I want to be the mom during the day that I am when he is home!) But I am also like you in that I have had to learn to let some things go, because I have been unhappy with how I handle my kids. I even started reading love and logic...but I think its mostly for me. I also LOVE being a mom and completely enjoy this time in my life, but I'm glad you reminded me that I'm not perfect, and even if I think everyone expects me to be, it doesn't matter--they aren't raising my kids! I am! Great post! THANKS!
I love this idea! Good luck on your journey.
I stumbled upon your blog awhile ago! Hope you don't mind me reading. We have 3 very young kids almost identical spacing as yours (just a year younger) and yet we feel strongly that we should get pregnant with our fourth! Yikes! I love reading your blog and the example/realness that it has been. Thanks for being such an example to me!
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing”
Ok, so I don't agree with this 100%, but pretty close(:
I do believe apathy is a tool of the devil, and that finding the perfect balance of "best" over "good and better" is one of the most challenging, personal things in this life. Sounds like your on top of it, as usual - thanks for sharing. (:
Good for you! Real mom's have dirty houses, kids with no clothes on, and it is OKAY! Let it go. You can do it.
I think you put pressure on yourself because people judge and you want to show them that you can handle four. Well, handling kids does not and will never mean perfection. I only have one at home now and I am far from doing anything right every day. It does get easier as they get older. I however find I am getting lazier and lazier as I have less and less to do.
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