Waiting: Job, baby, mice (what are we supposed to learn?!)

The first 2 weeks of November were definitely a refiner's fire for our little family.  It all played out like a Greek tragedy.  I honestly felt like I was a character in a book full of symbolism and foreshadowing.  Jason and I often looked at each other and said, "He is obviously trying to teach us something - that is obvious - but what?  It seems like patience, but honestly, we are both pretty patient people - so why the 'hit you over the head" kind of lesson?' I still don't have the answer.

Let's start with the baby.  I debated about wanting to write this on my blog - but since only a handful of you read it - I figured I would.  At this point the only people that don't know are my kids.  While Jason and I were in Fiji we decided we wanted to have another baby - two actually.  We have a lot of reasons why - I won't go into all of them - but we feel like it will be great for our family.  So in the summer we started "trying".  Then he got laid off.  I may or may not go into that in another post but basically all you need to know is that if we decide to have a baby then Jason gets laid off.  It doesn't just happen for four years in a row, then stop for 6 years and then happen again by coincidence - this is intentional - but I don't exactly know why.  But we felt like it shouldn't keep us from having a baby - we never do.  Jobs and money are temporary - this is a baby, a human, an eternal soul, it seems silly to let a job stop that.  We weren't actively trying - but not preventing.  In October I found out I was pregnant.  Everything was going great.  We decided not to tell anyone until Jason got a job - they always look at you with sad, concerned eyes when you are pregnant and don't have a job.  I had that 4 times before - I only wanted happy looks this time.  Plus, he was on the third and final interview with 2 different jobs - so we figured it wouldn't be too long before we had a job.  We decided we would go to Utah for Thanksgiving and tell our families then.  Let's put a pin in that story and go to the job.

During all of this Jason was having interviews for 2 different companies.  E-trade and TransAmerica.  Both jobs seemed great and they really liked him and they both would be a step up in position and in pay.  We felt excited.  As October turned into November he kept having more and more interviews with the companies.  About the second week of November E-trade went dark, they weren't emailing or calling back but they also didn't say "no" yet.  TransAmerica said they would let us know by November 10th (our anniversary) - we felt almost 100% positive they were going to give us an offer - and a good one.  We tentatively made plans for our anniversary - it would also be a celebratory anniversary, we were excited and hopeful.  Then November 10th came - we still heard nothing.  Nothing.  Nothing from E-trade, nothing from TransAmerica.  This was a Friday.  We would have to wait until Monday to contact them.  Put a pin in that story now.

The mice.  My dad came and visited us the end of October.  While he was there he saw a tiny mouse in our downstairs guest room  What?!?!  We have NEVER had mice.  Ever!  We used to have a cat that lived next door and liked our house more than his house, his name was Decker, and they moved about 2 months earlier.  Was this why?  I don't know - but we caught the mouse, didn't see any signs of other mice and called it good.  Oh how wrong we were.  Through the month of November we caught mice.  I am too embarrassed to say how many - but lets just say a lot, like a lot a lot.  I wanted to die!  Once we thought they were all gone, more would come.  Just for a little consolation they were only EVER in our storage room - NO WHERE ELSE - that gave me a little peace.  Jason cleaned out corners, patched up holes, everything... and they just kept coming.  Jason has a very tender heart and doesn't like to kill animals.  This was very very stressful for him. He hated going down in the basement several times a day to clean out traps, I think it was also a little reminder that he was HOME all day - not in a job - having to do this.  As the weeks wore on the mice got smaller and smaller.  By November 10th we were killing baby mice.  It was clear we had killed all the adults and the baby mice were just coming out of the nest trying to find food, it was heart breaking.

Let's go back to the baby.  On November 8th I went into the doctor for my first check up.  I was 10 weeks along.  My dates were a little off so we decided to have an ultra sound to determine the exact date.  The nurse and I were busy talking about how exciting a new baby would be in our family while the ultra sound got all set  up.  Mid sentence the picture popped up on the screen.  Almost instantly  I knew it didn't look right.  I know what a heart beat looks like.  I said, "well... that doesn't look good".  "No" she said.  I was calm and pragmatic, asking questions and trying to understand.  There was clearly a sac, and potentially a baby, my body was clearly pregnant.  There were more questions than answers.  They left me alone to get dressed and get the doctor.  By the time she got in reality had set in and I was in tears.  They took my blood and said they would call me tomorrow.  "For now act as if it is a viable pregnancy - because it still could be", the doctor said.  They called the next day, the 9th and said my hormones were great.  Everything looked fine - but they just didn't see a heart beat yet - but my dates could be off - we just had to wait.  Wait a week.

So here we are, November 10th, our 13 year anniversary, waiting on a job, possibly losing our baby, and killing baby mice over and over and over.  To add insult to injury Jason cleaned out under our stairs and found that the mice had made a nest in our baby bassinet - but we had killed them all.

The next week came and we still never heard about the job.  We got an email on Monday that said things came up and they still hadn't made any decisions and we still needed to wait.  I had an appointment on Tuesday they said on Tuesday we would know for sure if I had miscarried or not.  But then I got to the appointment  and it was still inconclusive - my hormones kept going up, my sac and the "baby" kept growing, but still no heart beat - they said it was very strange and hadn't seen something like that before - fantastic!  They didn't feel right about having a D and C - because they just weren't sure.  We still had to wait.  We went to Home Depot on the way home and bought some poison to put outside our house.  Jason came home and put it in the garage a few places - where we thought they were getting in.  I guess he forgot to wash his hands, because that  night he got violently ill.  He never woke me up (but he should have).  He went down stairs to throw up and got sicker and sicker and sicker.  Jason isn't one to make a big fuss about things but he said the next day that he really thought he was going to die, he passed out in the bathroom and hit his head on the tile, he almost could have.  Turns out he had gotten sick from the rat poison.

On Thursday I went back to the doctor (still no word on the job) and my hormones had dropped.  I had miscarried.  We were supposed to leave for Utah on Saturday (to tell people about this great job and that I was pregnant) - but my body didn't recognize the miscarriage and was still thinking I was pregnant.  I had to go to the hospital on Friday for a D and C.  Friday morning we are at the hospital, in the waiting room and Jason gets a phone call.  It is TransAmerica.  Our hearts started beating.  Finally!  They tell us he has the job. They give us the offer - it is far far less then they had told him in interviews.  The doctor comes and tells us it is time to go back.  The job thing goes back and forth for a few days.  They gave a bunch of stupid reasons for advertising and promising the job at one price and then offering lower (it was just a bait and switch) - well frankly who wants to work for a company like that?  We wanted so badly to turn it down... but who turns down a job when you have been unemployed for 4 months with 4 kids.  He tried to negotiate - but in the end they said, "take it or leave it".  We reluctantly took it.

Back at the hospital.  All I want to say about the D and C was that it was sad.  I was fine, mostly.  I was coping well.  Lots of women miscarry.  I have had 4 pregnancies and 4 healthy babies.  I was very blessed and tried not to let my emotions get away from me.  I tried to keep things in perspective.  Then they took me into the operating room.  They started hooking me up with all sorts of wires and machines.  The problem is I hadn't really miscarried.  I felt pregnant.  I looked pregnant.  I acted pregnant.  I was nauseous  and tired and had all the symptoms.  It felt like an abortion.  Like I was choosing to not be pregnant.  I knew that wasn't true.  But that is how it felt.  As they put the gas mask on me I had a flash of my other deliveries: no drugs, no machines, no wires - not even an IV.  The contrast was too great.  This is not how I wanted this to end.  My heart couldn't take it and I started to cry.  The nurses were great.  They held my hands and rubbed my head as I fell asleep crying.

The next morning we left for Utah.  We felt empty and defeated.  We were sure we would come home to a house overrun by mice.  (I am being a little dramatic with that one - the poison seemed to work.  They ate all of it in a day - then we never had another mouse and we left our neighbor to check our traps everyday - he never caught one.) But at this point being a little dramatic didn't seem too far off base.

Back in June I stood up in Sacrament meeting and bore my testimony about the blessings God was pouring out on me.  I went over the endless spiritual experiences I had had the previous 2 months.  I said I felt like my cup was full and he just kept pouring and pouring.  Then I said something I hadn't even thought before, "it is like He is preparing me for trials to come."  Since that testimony Jason lost his job, I lost both of my grandparents within 10 days of each other, Jason and Noah were diagnosed with Autism (that is another post), I miscarried, we were infested by mice, and a few other things that are too personal to mention, not to even mention the minor things like sliding on ice and my van going through someone's back yard, our washing machine, vacuum, and hot water heater breaking or Brock needing to switch medication.  It felt like one thing after another.  And while the days between November 8 - 17 felt like an onslaught and I wondered why - I can honestly say that my reserves worked.  I have been so close to the Lord through the whole bottom half of the year.  I never felt alone or forsaken or forgotten.  I knew everything was going to turn out.  I knew He had a plan for us.  I never stressed out, I never lost faith.  People kept waiting for me to break down - but I honestly was fine.  I still feel that way.  I have drawn closer to Heavenly Father and been more perfected in this last year (with the great stuff at the front and the bad stuff in the back) then any other year in my life.  I receive inspirations daily from the Holy Ghost about how to help my children and husband in their trials - I am constantly being nourished.  Even with the bad stuff at the back I can honestly say this year wasn't all that bad.  Jason and I grew closer together, I feel the hand of the Lord in my life, and I gained greater perspective.  This was a good year.  I am excited to see what happens in 2018.

**Just for a little advice: the ONLY reason I kept my wits about me was reading the scriptures everyday.  They were my lifeline.  There were about 100 other things that made a difference - but the MAIN thing was prayer and scripture study.  Never stop doing those 2 things - no matter what.