This has been a strange fall for me. 2021 has been a year of growth and knowledge for me. I have shared in previous blog posts about some of my ways of studying, hearing Him, and constantly having the Holy Ghost. At the end of summer Heavenly Father gave me opportunities that would grow and stretch me, you know, becasue if you are going to build muscles you should be able to use them, they aren't just to look good, or put spiritually, I needed to be a doer, not just a hearer of the word. He started to send me people who needed my help, almost daily. It became comical to me and Jason. Then In the beginning of September I was finished with my study of April's General Conference. I wondered what I should do for the month before general conference to prepare. Should I study my most favorite ones? Review my notes daily? Drop my GC study and just study the scriptures? Review a previous conference? I took it to the Lord and He told me very clearly to share what I had learned through social media. I DID NOT want to do that. Very few people knew about my intense study of GC and I don't like making it public. But I knew that was what He wanted me to do. So I did it.
From that moment on my spirituality started to decline, and fast. I wasn't sure why. I did all the things I knew to do. Life comes with ebs and flows and the worst things to do is panic. I went back to my foundation - put down and anchor, spread the sails, got back to basics. But yet the darkness kept creeping in. I wondered if I had misinterpreted the prompting to start the FB page. Had I got it wrong? Nope. Was I managing it wrong? (I did it from 6 to 7 am before my family woke up) Nope. THEN WHAT? I got nothing.
I am STARTING to come out of it. Two months later. I have identified several reasons for the darkness. Some lie at the heart of sin. I needed to repent. I had become light minded about the promptings and people the Lord were sending to me, I even complained about them. I learned that while the Facebook page was good for the world (I know I helped many people), it was not good for me. I had more muscles to develop before I can lift something that heavy. At the time I didn't have words for it, but, now, I can say with Elder Renlund that I had failed the spiritual stress test of doing and receiving work and praise outside the home. It made me focus less on my family and more on myself, even if just in thought and not in deed. In an ideal world I should be able to do both. But i learned that I can't yet, and again, to quote Elder Renlund, "it doesn't mean I am hopeless, it means I need to change, and that is good to know." It is good to know.
I feel as though I have been through 2 months of chastening, and oh how grateful I am for it. There were other lessons to learn. One came along with CFM this week. Now that temples are opened it is required of me to go. I could receive the power from the temple while it was closed in my own home and in my own study BECAUSE it wasn't available to me. But now that I can go that power can only be given to me IN the temple. I have to go if I want to feel that way again. Also, much help came in the war chapters in the BoM (and president Nelon's talk about Moroni a few conferences ago). Never stop preparing, make strong my weak places, prepare mind to hear the word of the Lord, etc. Great lessons were learned. I know more times like this will come and that is good to know.
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