Another journalish post

Today was a day full of emotions.  Our good friends, the Tobler's, blessed their baby girl today down in Provo.  It was so special to be with them. They had their first child about a year and a half ago, but lost him due to cord complications, seeing them with their new little girl has been so wonderful.  They live in the apartment complex where we used to live, and attend the married student ward that we attended.  We went back to our old chapel.  Jason's parents live in Mapleton and it was nap time so we decided to take the kids there first and nap them, then Jason and I just went to the blessing by ourselves. 

It was surreal.  We sat there - in a sacrament meeting, with no kids, pregnant, surrounded by newly weds, students, and first time parents.  I really didn't feel any different from them.  I started to think of my time there - how it seems like just 2 seconds ago, I sat with Jason in the same pews being pregnant with Brock.  Now we sat there, pregnant with our fourth!  How did we get here?  I don't know quite what I am trying to say... I hope you are maybe reading between the lines and feeling what I am trying to convey.  It is amazing how the Lord leads you and directs your path when you let him.  His plans for us are far greater that the plans we have for ourselves.  Our path has rarely been clear, and has taken many turns, but the consistency is that we have always known that He is there and that our choices regarding our family have been right.  Part of me wished that I could have gone right back to us at 22, sitting in that pew, awaiting the arrival of our first child, both of us studying for finals.  I would not have done anything different - it was just a good time in our life.  One I will always cherish.

After the blessing I went to a viewing.  My friends that I worked with back in my working days (before I had Brock) lost their 2 year old son last week.  His death was sudden and unexpected.  I worked with Brooke and Brek - Brooke and I were both expecting our first sons together and took maternity leave at the same time.  They have three sons (all about the same age as my three).  I, of course, could not help but put myself in their shoes and think about losing my little Noah.  I could barely keep myself together to go through the line and express my love to them.  They are strong, good people...things like this are hard to understand.  I expected to stay at the viewing most of the night but I decided to hurry home to see my babies before they went to bed.  I am glad I did.

Babysitting and some randomness

This weekend I babysat my friend's 3 kids overnight, at their house, with my kids.  I had a 5 year old (Rachel), 4 year old (Brock), 3 year old (Andrew), 2 year old (Noah), and two 1 year olds (Megan and Cara - just about 2 weeks apart) - not to mention 8 months pregnant.  It was a bit crazy but surprisingly enough - it was super easy.  We had a great time.  I wish I would have brought my camera - especially for Megan and Cara - they were so cute.  And they kind of look like twins I think - not identical - but could definitely be mistaken for twins.  There were moments when I thought "I could do this" (even the twin thing) but by the end of the weekend I realized that while I COULD do it - I don't think it would raise very good children or great adults.  We were in survival mode most of the time.  I went straight from preparing meals/snacks, feeding children, cleaning up, changing diapers, putting someone down for a nap, and then starting that routine over and over again - with an occasional cleaning up of toys, refereeing an argument, or fixing a toy.  I couldn't really even imagine having to fit in laundry, house cleaning, or grocery shopping (although I did leave her house clean, with dishes and floors done).  Not to mention trying to TEACH the children anything or spend one on one time or instill values in them.  So while it is manageable, I don't think anyone could really be successful at it.

We are also in the throws of the whole mini van thing.  It sucks.  First off I don't even really want one - I just have to buy one.  So I am not that motivated.  Nor can we really afford it - so that just adds to the procrastination.  When we started the search I had NO IDEA what I wanted - I was willing to take just about anything - since I felt all of it was stupid.  Now the pendulum has swung in the complete opposite direction - I know EXACTLY what I want - and I am not willing to settle on anything less.  The problem is it is incredibly hard to find.  I have about 5 dealers out there looking specifically just for me, and week after week they are coming up empty handed.  I am working against a time table here - so I ask them if I should just settle and the all assure me they can find it - I just have to be patient.  I can be - I just hope the same is true for our baby.  What I want is a Toyota Sienna 2007-2010 8 seats with power doors (at least one anyways) under 80K miles.  Everything else I could care less about.  There are specific reasons why I want/need those things - but I will spare you the details.  I just hope and pray that we can find one before our baby comes - because once she is here we will just have to buy the first van we can find.

It is getting really hot.  We decided that this year we would spend our money on the backyard and the van (oh and the bills for the baby) and next year (if all goes according to plan, and with our history...) we would get the AC and pave our parking strip (currently its gravel with a lot of weeds).  While the yard and mini van are still top priority - I dream of the AC.  Although I am not a great door/window shutter.  Especially for the backyard.  If my kids are out there and I have to be inside I like the doors/window to be open.  I know this would be a constant fight between me and Jason (and one he should rightly win) - so it is nice not having to worry about waisting money on keeping the doors open.  Silver lining - right?

I dread the first of the month because I have to do my menu and grocery shop.  I dread it even more being pregnant.  I have come to hate my big ole grocery trip every month.  One that same note: it is getting more and more difficult to keep this house clean the more and more pregnant I get.  My last few Monday cleanings have almost sent me into labor.  Not to mention all my stairs - up and down, up and down all day.  Well... that just turned into a lot of complaining... sorry.

On the happy pregnant note - I have started preparing for my birth.  I am a little late - but it is my fourth, so I figure I could wait a little longer.  I am reading my hypnobirthing book again and listening to my affirmations daily.  It is getting so fun and exciting.  I do love to give birth (strangest statement ever - could I put that on a list of hobbies?? "Giving birth" haha).  It is always so exciting to see how the birth is going to play out - it is still one of those things that is such a mystery - how it is all going to happen.  I can't wait.

And for something non-pregnancy/child related....um...thinking...
ok - I got something.  We love the history channel in our house (even the boys).  Have you seen the show "How the states got their shape" - it is really interesting and good.  Anyways, a few nights ago they did Utah - and of course it was all about Mormons - but mostly about food storage/emergency preparedness and the dating rituals of BYU students.  I just tried to find a clip on You Tube - but no luck.  It was hilarious, partially embarrassing, but generally accurate.  For the food storage portion they were almost making fun of us - they said that we go beyond reason and necessity with our food storage and emergency prepardness.  Really?  I don't understand why everyone doesn't have food/water storage - its just smart.  For the BYU part - while I was watching it I didn't think that it was very accurate (the BYU part) - I had never heard of some of the things they were talking about - granted I never actually went to BYU and wasn't in Provo during my dating scene - but I still would have thought I would have heard of some of those things - since I lived there for 6 years and all my friends went there.  So I went and asked Jason if he had heard of some of the things they were talking about - and he had!  It was so embarrassing to know that it was all true!  For example they talked about a NCMO (say it nicmo).. do you know what that is?  I didn't - apparently a non-committal make-out.  According to the history channel and Jason everyone who went to BYU knows what a NCMO is.  Oh...BYU, they are a strange people.

Cake

Our boys have their first inside joke.  Cake.  We are not sure why or how (we have our theories) - but the word "cake" is hilarious to our boys.  We will just be sitting there - doing nothing (driving, eating, watching a show, playing) and one of the boys will just say, "cake" and they both bust up laughing.

They will also sing songs and put the word cake in it - "twinkle, twinkle little... cake".  They think that are so funny - they laugh and laugh.  This has started to make them seem like real people.  To be silly they will call people cake.  "Good morning... cake" (instead of mom).

I like to get in on the action.  When they are not listening or focusing or things just need to be livened up - I will say something silly about cake.  They think  I am pretty funny.  I am sure if they were older they would think I am lame for trying to be on the inside of an inside joke - but they are young and they think I am pretty cool when I say, "row, row, row your... cake".

Theories to how it started:
Jason's:
Jason was teaching the kids how to say knock knock jokes.  Noah did one and when Brock said, "who is there?" Noah said, "cake".  They both laughed and laughed and ever since then the word "cake" is funny.

Mine:
Jason story is true - but I think  Noah's answer for "cake" came from somewhere.  They both like the show "Word World" and one of their favorite episodes is when pig eats Dog's birthday cake (twice I think).  The motto of the episode is "share the cake, don't eat the cake".  They thought the show was so hilarious and for the rest of the day they were saying, "share the cake, don't eat the cake."  Then I think they just shortened it to "cake".

For what ever reason I think it is so cute.  Like I said earlier, it makes them seem like real people and real brothers - to have long standing inside joke.  (It has been about 4 months - it just took me a while to blog about it.)  And they think it is as funny today as when it started.

Day out with Thomas

You may remember back in April when Jason's sister, Kasey, came to visit.  She was here for both Megan and Brock's birthdays - so she got them both awesome presents - she felt bad for Noah - so she got him the best present of all!!  Day out with Thomas!!

Noah loves trains - especially Thomas.  I decided to take this opportunity to go alone with Noah - a special date.  Because of napping/sleeping schedules I get uninterrupted alone time with Brock and Megan everyday - but not Noah.  I have to just seek it out, but it is often interrupted with needs of another child.  I try to have special days/activities just with Noah to try and compensate.

This day was pure bliss - for both me and him.  One of the things I love most about Noah is that he knows pure joy - and shows it all over his face.  It is so easy to make him happy, and its not just happy, you can tell that it is joy.  He gets this huge smile that lights up his whole body.  The best way to see it is to give the kid an ice cream cone.  On this day it was almost the whole time.  From the moment we were in the car and I told him where we were going - his face lit up and he smiled the whole way up to Heber.  It was wonderful.

We met Sir Topamhat - he was SO EXCITED!  

 And rode Annie and Claribel

And sat on a patch of grass and watched Thomas pull in and out of the station for about an hour and a half.  One of the best things about the day is that we just got to go at Noah's pace.  Noah likes to doddle and wander.  He just likes to go slow, look at everything, and kind of talk and sing to himself and be silly along the way.  Basically he is me as a child - so I have compassion on him.  I try to let him wander and doddle as much as possible - but realistically it just can't happen that much.  So when it is just me and him I make it a POINT to never say, "hurry up", or "come on" or "this way" - we just do what he wants to do at the pace he wants to do it - which is SO SLOW!

 It was great weather, Noah was so happy to see Thomas and ride on a train, and I was in HEAVEN spending the whole day with my two year old!  I love two year olds.

Then... to make things even better - the very next day Jason's mom and dad took the whole family!  This worked out perfect because the second we left Noah wanted to go again and as soon as Brock found out where we had gone he of course wanted to go.  So I could say, "well.. guess what? We are going tomorrow!"  Put an end to all that whining right then and there.

Noah actually woke up in the morning and yelled from his room, "I am ready to ride Annie and Claribel".  It was so cute.

The day was great - although is was about 3 times as crowded (a Saturday will do that).  But the boys enjoyed it just as much - plus they got their grandparents, aunt and uncle, and cousin with them!

 They were NOT into taking pictures - I dont' think I got a good one all day.  Here they are with Grandpa Herbert.

 Brock with his cheesy smile

The fam on the train

Noah rode with Grandpa 

And Brock with Jason 

 Our nephew Aaron - he looked out the window like this almost the whole time - it was so precious!

And of course - Sir Topamhat

Noah then spent the rest of the day playing with the Thomas train set.  Me and the other mom's kept commenting about how we had no idea why our children wanted to play (fight) with a million other kids when they all have a train set at home. 

I know I have mentioned this before but I love the way Noah plays with toys - so much focus, concentration, and passion.  The whole world around him just shuts out and he is in his own little bubble.  I sat and watched him the whole hour.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Kasey for the day with My Noah, Jason's parents for a fun family  trip, and my mom for watching Brock and Megan all day so I could go with Noah.  It was all wonderful!

Usual days

I am pretty behind on my blogging.  I never posted this post because I wanted to get more pictures of our day to day things - but I never  did.  So these pictures are from back in April. 

Brock literally thinks he is spider man.  He spends almost his whole day being spider man.  He jumps around on furniture, over our railings, climbs on everything, shoots webs from his wrists, and makes sound effects for everything the does.  When it is time for bed or when we are in church I have to say things like "no web sounds".  It actually doesn't annoy me at all.  It makes me smile every time.  His favorite thing to do is build webs around our house.  He takes yarn and spins it around anything and everything.  This is often done while wearing his spider man pajamas.

Strangely this rarely annoys me also.  I just step or duck over them.  I love that he loves something.  It does annoy Jason though - so we have to take them down after a few days. 

Noah loves his sand box.  This picture was back when it was still really cold and windy outside.  Noah didn't care.  He wanted his jacket with his hat on and he just digs with his little tractors.  He would stay out there for hours.  His new thing now it to shovel sand into a little bowl, once the bowl is full he pours the bowl into a bucket until the bucket is full and then dumps the bucket into a pile.  He is so meticulous about things like this.  He loves to quietly play by himself working on things with great patience, focus, concentration, and detail.  I could watch him play all day. 

This post was originally going to be about Jason going back to work - how I was handling things by my self, what our days were like, and my feelings about it all.  Sadly I never did that post and my emotions are not fresh anymore.  But I want to try and document it.  So try to imagine we are back in April and Jason just started working again.

I was really nervous about Jason going back to work.  I had really gotten used to him being around and taking the whole "mom" bit pretty easy and light.  During previous bouts of unemployment I never wanted to get used to having him home - so I never let him help.  I got up with the kids, I did all the meals and cleaning, I took them to activities while Jason stayed home.  He always wanted to help but I was insistent that we kept our traditional roles.  So needless to say his unemployment was always very hard on me and I desperately wanted him to go back to work.  This time around I decided to give in and enjoy having him home.  We spent our days together as a family, I included him in our day to day routine and he helped out and parented just as much (and some days more) than I did.  It was great because I was in my first trimester of my pregnancy - so the help was much needed.  I loved having him home and if it wasn't for financial reasons I wanted him home forever.  (Who would have thought a change of attitude would have made all the difference :)

Needless to say I was very nervous to have all three kids (and pregnant) by myself again.  When Jason got laid off Megan was still a baby - no crawling, will, or personality, and when he went back to work she was basically a toddler - a much bigger handful.  I didn't think I was going to be able to handle it.  I decided baptism by fire was the best method.  So I planned an activity out of the house everyday and did errands several times through the week.  On Tuesday I was coming home from one of our activities (I think Discovery Gateway) and I realized that I LOVED doing what I was doing.  I LOVED being by myself, with the children, doing the mom thing.  I loved the schedule, I loved the routine, I loved the silliness, and the precious moments, most of all I loved having to do it by myself.  I felt as though I had found my niche again.  I do love being a stay at home mom.  It fits me well and I am so grateful to Jason for always letting me stay home and NEVER making me feel guilty.  There are times when I feel as though I am being selfish by staying home - especially with the last few years that we have had.  It would help us a lot if I had a job and would definitely bring more stability - at least financially.  There are days when I considered getting a job.  But as soon as we seriously try to discuss it it is always obvious that the best thing for our family is for me to stay home full time. 

Zoo

Last week we had one good day of weather so me and a friend took our kids to the zoo for the evening.  Late afternoon/evening is the best time to do stuff like that  - no field trip crowds.  Thanks to a dear friend I was able to get a zoo pass.  I am so so so excited - I have been dreaming every night about our fun summer zoo trips.  This is the ultimate pass - three free adults and 5 free kids - PLUS unlimited train and merry-go-round rides - that is worth a million dollars right there in my kids' eyes.

So we rode the train a few time. 

Ivy, Olivia, Wes, Brock, and Noah

Megan on the train

Then we rode the carousel several times.  Weird that they all wanted to sit on the peacock bench instead of the animals that go up and down - kids are funny sometimes.

Natalie and Jillian - she is about three months old - so cute!

It was a quick trip - about an hour and a half.  but when it is free it doesn't matter - no stress about "getting your money's worth" - that is what I LOVE about passes.

I will TRY not to overwhelm you with zoo pictures this summer - but I can't make any promises :)

Ashley

This is my little sister Ashley - and she is wonderful, for many reasons.  One of which is that she graduated with her bachelors in finance from the University of Utah a few weeks ago.  I am SO SO proud of her.  She is amazing, I can't believe how hard she worked and how focused she was on her goal.

After she graduated I found out she is the first woman on my dad's side to get a Bachelor's degree (ever), the first grandchild on my dad's side to get a Bachelor's degree (and she is like number 16), AND the second PERSON ever on my dad's side to get a Bachelor's degree (the first being my dad).  I didn't know any of that. 

Pridefully - I think if I would have known that I might have prioritized it a little more - you know - being the first is cool.  I am only like 16 - 20 credits away.  But she deserves it more anyways.

I am so glad I got to be there.  I almost didn't make it.  It was a hard day to get away, by myself, for several hours, things just weren't working out.  But Jason insisted I be there and made it all happen.  THANK YOU!

My little brother Michael

Me

Ashley also went through the temple for her first time last Saturday.  It has been a special month for Ashley - she is just growing up so much :)

But seriously I am so proud of her and appreciate everything she does for me.  She is the best little sister and an awesome aunt.  Ashley is becoming quite the wonder woman and I cannot wait to see what her future has in store.

Better than Christmas

What could be better than Christmas you might ask??

Well at our house 2 things.  Dirt and a tractor.

And last week we got both.  We finally finished our backyard - and it is beautiful!!  But before we get to that.  The dirt.

We stood on our front porch when a big dump truck came and dumped this dirt on our RV pad - Noah said immediately, as the dirt was dumping, 'I need my tractors".  It was about the cutest thing I had heard my whole life.  He ran inside grabbed all of his tractors in his arms and brought them out to the dirt pile.  

He was in heaven... so the thought.

Until...


This bobcat showed up at our house.

Noah sat like this in our front yard (with tractor in hand)for almost 2 hours (never moved a muscle) and watched this bobcat haul dirt into our backyard.

He was in heaven... so he thought.

Until...

He got to DRIVE IT.  I asked our landscaper if he would give the boys a ride.  I thought a quick 2 second ride if they didn't touch anything - you know - liability reasons.  Well, he put them to work.  They were picking up dirt, and driving it to the backyard and dumping it.  He let them drive it and control it all my themselves.  They each got a turn for like 10 minutes. 

Now to OUR Christmas.  Our backyard was not much to speak of.  A completely broken sprinkler system, just weeds and dirt, and to top it ALL off broken glass everywhere.  We didn't know about the glass when we bought the house - but once the grass started dying it appeared.  It seems as though our previous owners shot off fireworks in vases - or shot at glass bottles - we are not sure - but it was everywhere - and about 4 - 6 inches deep.

Don't let the green fool you - they are weeds.  So after a year of "we can/will do this ourselves" we wised up and realized this was way above our ability, knowledge, and time to finish this on our own.  I NEEDED a backyard that the kids could play in (after all that was the number 1 reason we bought a house... to get a backyard.)

We hired Hallmark Landscapers and they did a wonderful job.  I was a little sceptical and bummed to be hiring out.  Jason comes from a VERY STRONG tradition of do-it-your-selfers and my family has rarely, if ever, hired manual labor out.  To be honest, I was a little embarrassed.  Especially with the year we had.  But after watching the process it was the BEST decision we have ever made.  I watched these professional men in my backyard work for hours and hours on end - with fancy equipment and the know how of what to do.  I realized what took 5 - 6 men 2 full days to do - would have taken Jason every single Saturday this whole summer.  Not to mention a million trips to Lowes, endless frustration, thousands of google searches, countless phone calls to his dad, and favors galore. 

Watching these men work I had an epiphany.  Jason leaves our family everyday to work for us - to make money.  And now we have used some of that money to allow him to spend what precious time he has home with us.  Now our Saturdays can be spent at the Zoo, the pool, or in our new wonderful backyard.  I couldn't think of a better way to spend our money. 

Plus our landscapers were wonderful.  I was nervous about having these men in my backyard while I was home alone with the kids.  Especially since I knew my boys would be so interested in what they were doing, and would want to be involved.  But they were so great to deal with and were awesome with my kids (obviously from the tractor pictures).  I am grateful our first real purchase on upgrading our home was a positive one.

bla, bla, bla.... lets cut to the chase.

The reveal...

Isn't she beautiful?  We seriously just stand and look at it and smile. 

I imagine a swing set here.  I have been searching for one on KSL or Craigslist - last summer I saw a lot of "if you come take it apart it is yours..."  So I am in the market for one of those.  I saw a few earlier in the spring, but not since... just my luck.

And a patio table and chairs here.  Nothing fancy - just plastic - maybe one nice padded chair that I can sit in while I hold the baby.  We already have an umbrella and stand. 

Can they tell?

Can they tell that I have been counting down the minutes until nap time for the last 3 hours?

Do they know that every time that I smiled and said, "that is so silly" I rolled my eyes as I turned around?

Can they tell that I am on pins and needles, gritting my teeth and clutching my fists as I try not to yell because they really are just acting their age?  But truth is - it is SO annoying?

Is it misleading to let them think I am so nice by letting them watch Barney at 12:30 when in reality I just wanted to lay on the couch unbothered for 30 minutes?

Despite my annoyance and attitude today (who knows why?  hormones, weather, tired...) my boys have been all smiles, laughter, giggles, and overall silliness, and as I put Noah down for his nap he wrapped his arms around me tight and said, "I love you mom".

Guilt overcame me because today was not one of my best days, which led me to wonder... could they tell?

Today

You know those days where you don't stop.  Today was one of those days.  Most my days are usually pretty busy - but today for some strange reason I decided to jam pack it.  Unfortunately it wasn't with anything grand - it seems my to do list didn't really get any smaller.  They are all just "revolving" chores - the ones that as soon as they get scratched off the top of the list get added right back on to the bottom of the list. 

Today I:

• Woke up at 6 and went walking
• Did the usual morning thing - everyone ready, everyone fed, everyone cleaned, everyone dressed and ready
• Cut the boy's hair
• Did my Monday deep clean - but with the kids home
• After Megan woke up we went to the grocery store and to the library
• lunch and naps
• Made a bazillion phone calls about: painting, landscaping, craigslist and KSL stuff, ward calling stuff, doctor and insurance stuff (did not even get through half my phone call list)
• Read books we got from library
• Made dinner
• Washed all the bedding and towels in the house and put them all back together
• Did all the laundry and put it away
• My children were HORRIBLE between the hours of 6 and 8 - Jason was out working in the yard - Megan I think screamed the whole time regardless of what I did and all Brock and Noah wanted to do was read the library book and NOBODY wanted to eat the wonderful dinner I made (Chicken Cordon Blue, stuffing, and asparagus)
• As soon as everyone was asleep I had a huge mess of a house to clean... again
• And now I am about to begin ironing Jason's work clothes while I watch The Good Wife

Even while I write this post I can't decide if I feel good about my day or wish I would have bagged it all and spent my day at the park with my kids.

Update:
*Dang - I published this post and then went to my blog to see how it looked.  I realized from my "grand list of daily things" - one blaring thing was not on the list.  FHE.  I guess I failed on that one.  It was planned earlier in the day - but never carried out.  For a little redemption I did my scripture study and we read as a family.

Favorite time of year... Favorite place

My cousin, Sarah, got married last week in the Salt Lake Temple.  Temple Square is probably one of, or IS, my favorite place in the whole world.  And it is beautiful this time of year.  What a time and place to get married.

 Sarah and Jordan were so cute.  Oh to be young and in love...  Um... I actually still feel their same age and place in life, is that weird??

Anyways I, of course, had to take pictures with my kids with the beautiful flowers.  They were not really in the mood - but that didn't keep me from trying. 

 Oh - it was just so beautiful and peaceful - temple square is like heaven on earth - especially when you have your kids with you.  The kids love all the places to climb on and the water fountains and the rivers.  We could have spent all day there.

Megan loved the stairs up to the temple doors.

Some days are just perfect... this was one of those days.  Nothing like an eternal marriage surrounded by tulips and the sound of my children playing.

By the way one of my friends had a great post.  I cried for a good 30 minutes after I read it.  So if you want to be sad about your children growing up.  You should click here.