I realized that I don't do this as much as I used to. I used to have a blog post every week about my feelings, emotions, successes and failures. I made a mini commitment to start doing more of those again. I sat down several times to do it and I couldn't. Or what I did write I eventually erased. Why? You might ask. I have thought about that over the last day or so and came up with a few reasons.
It is harder to write about older "real" kids. When they are babies and toddlers I didn't feel like it was inappropriate to say that they were driving me crazy or talk about their development or things like that. But it seems different with a real kid. I feel like I need to respect their privacy more. Plus my blog gets printed out as family journals and my kids read them. I don't think anyone reads that they were a difficult toddler and then labels themselves as difficult - but I do think that if you read that about yourself year after year or read that at ten you struggled in school at twelve you might think that is just "who you are". Or if I talk about how two siblings don't ever get along - it could become an excuse in their brain that its just always been that way, so they don't have to change. I don't want to do that to my kids. But if I only write the positive things then my blog seems disingenuous and like I am trying to paint just a pretty picture on the outside.
I don't know what the balance is. But I would like to write more about my feelings in life. Lets try a few:
- It is December 12th and I have not bought ONE SINGLE Christmas item. Not one! Heaven help me!
- I am the worst visiting teacher. I really want to be awesome. But for some reason it has always been something I have struggled with.
- Noah has just started doing his homework by himself and it is wonderful. I feel like it was a glimmer of hope. I have to sit and do homework with Brock. Every singe thing, every single time. Each spelling word, each math problem, everything. I was having to do it with Noah too. But Noah has found his groove and I just say, "do your homework" and he does it, all by himself. I thought homework was going to kill me - literally kill me. But now that I see that there comes a point when they can work independently and I just have to check it - I see that it will be possible to have all four in school at the same time. Before that I as considering selling one of them.
- Reading my old blog post taught me that I have great friends. Like seriously great friends who have really impacted the person I have become. There was a time when we all had blogs and we commented on each others blog. Some of you (if you still read my blog) commented regularly and they were so wonderful! Some brought me to tears and some had me laughing out loud (Karli). So thank you, thank you for encouraging me in those really hard years. Especially Karli, Karen, Emily, Laura, Heather, Ashleigh, Holly, Carrie, and Sabrina. You always left wonderful comments when I really needed them the most. They are a great record in my family archive. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Also, I miss Karli. If your a long time reader of my blog you know how much I love Karli - she has been my best frienemy since about fourth grade and my best friend since about eleventh grade. She moved to Boise about 6 years ago (?). Reading some of her comments left my heart aching for her. She makes me a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, and a better person. I really think I could be about 50% better in my life if she lived close to me.
- I love to budget. I haven't updated our budget since July. This is a major life fail.
- For the first time since I gave up on deep cleaning 4 and a half years ago I have slowly started doing it again. It's mondays still but only for 2 hours during naps. I am not going all in though until next year when Madison is in school.
- I also learned from reading my old posts are that my spelling and grammar are atrocious - I apologize for seeming like an illiterate 10 year old. I do know the difference between know and no, and knew and new, and their and there (but I don't really know the difference between too and to - that is just a guess half the time :) - I just am usually going fast, have a couple kids around me, and I spend too much time blogging that when I am finally done I just hit "post" instead of proof reading - because I don't have time for that. I hope it has brought a smile to your face and you have thought, "oh that poor Jamie, she didn't even get a third grade education... but I digress...
The End
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